CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

janeyf · 16 Nov 2005

I am angry, frustrated and desperate and I just want someone to listen girls if that is ok.

After 1 fresh cycle resulting in m/c and 2 failed frozen cycles the money has run out. I desperately want to be pregnant before time passes us by but life, circumstances and everything else means we just do not have the money to cycle again. I imagine one day we will but at nearly 36 and DH at 48 time is precious.

I can't have treatment on the NHS because I was sterilised (now reversed) but I was only sterilised as I had no option. My ex battered, bullied, abused and threatened both myself and my daughter and basically threatened to seriously hurt both of us if I didn't have the sterilisation. I didn't want to do it and all I have ever wanted is more children. It is hard to describe the situation we were in and the genuine fear and terror I felt for myself and my daughter forced me to do it. I wish the NHS could be a bit more understanding, if I hadn't had the op then both or one of us probably wouldn't be here today. Survival instincts and of course protecting your child are very strong driving forces and at the time essential. I didn't have anyone to help us escape and because of him we suffered every day.

I am extremely grateful for my beautiful DD but the longing to have a baby with my DH who is the absolute love of my life is so strong it hurts. He is working around 14 hours a day and most of the weekend too but paying for 3 cycles in a year has broken us and it is going to take a long time to recover.

I lost a beautiful daughter 12 years ago after going into premature labour at 23 weeks. There isn't a day goes by that I don't think of her and remember the moment they took her off the machines and I had to watch her take her last breath and then bury her tiny coffin. They say time is a healer, although it is easier the pain never goes away.

I mourn for my lost daughter, lost fertility and my miscarried twins every day and it is eating me up. I feel numb and like I have a great big black hole inside. I can't hardly sleep anymore, panic at the slightest thing and I am quite honestly a wreck.

I have been through a lot with ladies on the BB since late 2005 but it seems they have all either had babies or are pregnant. I feel so left behind now and very very alone. I don't have anyone to talk to apart from DH who I hardly ever seem to see and then I feel guilty telling him how I feel because he in turn then feels guilty for not being able to provide enough money for us to try again. I have my review this week for my failed FET in December and the thought of going back to Care fills me with dread. I can't even look to the future and plan our next cycle.

There are so many people in this world who do not appear to deserve to have children or are unable to look after them. I have all this love to give and yet I can't because of that horrible man and because I don't have another £2500 to try again, it just seems so unfair. I have started smoking the odd cigarette again and also sneaking the odd vodka at all times of the day to try and numb the hurt but it just doesn't go away.

I apologise if anyone thinks my post is selfish but I just had to get it out and who can I tell if I can't tell the wonderful ladies on this BB?

Thank you for listening, Janey xxx

Reds(1703) · 20 Sep 2005

Janey,

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, I'm afraid, but I'm so sorry that you've suffered so much. Life really does seems to be unfair at times.

I hope you find at little pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to fund future tx - Heaven knows you sound like you need some luck.

Take care.

lol
Reds
xx
PS - Re your age - I was 36 3 days after my girls arrived, so please don't tell me you're old!!! I know the odds get worse, but it's not impossible.

Reds(1703) · 20 Sep 2005

Janey,

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, I'm afraid, but I'm so sorry that you've suffered so much. Life really does seems to be unfair at times.

I hope you find at little pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to fund future tx - Heaven knows you sound like you need some luck.

Take care.

lol
Reds
xx
PS - Re your age - I was 36 3 days after my girls arrived, so please don't tell me you're old!!! I know the odds get worse, but it's not impossible.

full of faith · 10 Jan 2007

I am so sorry for your hurt - many of us on BB have stories of ivf failures but your story really is sad and you have been through so much you just don't deserve. Your desire for another child is so real and I cannot possibly make it all alright but I want to know that I have 'heard' you and you did the right thing sharing your story.
I am a Christian and will pray for the pain to go and a way through all of this, for you and your lovely DH
Sending a huge hug.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Janey
So sorry you are hurting so badly right now, I wish there was something I could say that would make it better but there isn't.

I've been on here for more years than I care to remember and have been through endless cycles, watching everyone else get pg and have babies while I've had BFNs and a miscarriage at 12 weeks. I never got pg again and cruelly as we got all the answers our money ran out, we remortgaged as well which was something I had hoped to avoid. Only saying this because though you feel alone you truely are not, there are a number of us that have reached the same stage and it is difficult to accept, we do understand and will offer any support we can.

We have now moved onto adoption and it feels right but if I won a lot of money I'd go back to ivf, each cycle for us costs about £8k though!

I have no answers, NHS funding is so unfair and you have been through a terrible time in the past, I really do hope you find a way of having more tx and getting the BFP you long for.

Love
Mel x

Briony · 06 Apr 2001

Dear Janey,

I can relate to so much of what you say. I don't have any children but have been trying to conceive for nearly 9 years now. I've had 4 early miscarriages and then lost my twin boys at 19 weeks in October 2005. We don't qualify for NHS help either, my DH has had testicular cancer but my PCT will not fund anything if you've self funded. We found out about his cancer shortly after finding out he had severe male factor infertility and on those grounds they refused funding. They then brought in new guidelines for one cycle, but excluded anyone who had self funded. Stuck between a rock and a hard place with that one.

Is your GP sympathetic? It is possible to challenge the PCT funding, you might not get anywhere but it might give you a bit of a focus, or would the disappointment to be turned down be too great. I've been fighting over some funding for blood tests but got so stressed that I just gave up last week and paid for them. It was too much on top of all my other anxiety and I felt like it could push me under. I know that sounds melodramatic, but I was really getting in a terrible state.

On a practical note, is it possible for you to ask the clinic if you are entitled to any free counselling after your cycles? Would having a third party to talk to help - sometimes I feel like screaming when people suggest it to me, but it can help and gives an outlet to all these feelings.

There aren't any answers Janey and life can be so cruel, I feel your pain.

Love Briony

LornaB · 22 Dec 2005

Hi Janey

Im really sorry to read your post. I wish I could help make your dreams come true. Its so hard and its even harder when you have been through what you have already.
It does hurt, it hurts all the time unless your successful. I look at some of the tickers and wish to god it was me who had one counting down the days. And just because you already have a little girl doesn't mean you dont deserve to have another child with your lovely DH, who makes you happy.
I do hope you get your successful BFP one day soon.

Lots of ((((hugs)))) to you

Lorna xxxx

babysoxs · 27 Sep 2006

Janey,

You are so not alone on here my darling. I have been on these boards for so many years have been through the excitement of having 5 BFPs then have to go through the hell of losing them while all around me it seems everyone is either having children or getting pregnant. We spent over 16k on our 5 cycles have remortgaged the house to the hilt and are in so much debt it makes me laugh because if I didnt I would breakdown and never get up again. You are not being selfish at all, I have two beautiful daughters by my late husband and would dearly loved to of had a child with my 2nd husband who at 47 has no children but is fantastic with them, he is called the pied piper of our street and family - kids just love him. Every time I see him with a child I cry so hard inside but smile on the outside, I just wished I could have given him the child he so rightly deserved. I agree with you when you say there are some people out there with children who do not look after them or deserve them but life is not fair at all as we seem to know so well.
I had councelling after my last m/c and it did help - I always said I would never see one but after 3 sessions I came away feeling a little better about a lot of things. Please do not suffer in silence on your own and as for the drink well I have also been there I came to realise vodka doesnt smell but then hubby found out and then the councelling started. Please see your GP to see if he can refer you to see a specialsed councillor or ask at the clinic where you had your IVF and see if they have one available for you hopefully free of charge. If you need to talk just come on here I will always be around surfing in the background daily.
Take care and if I win the lottery you will definately be getting a share for you next IVF journey.
Mary-Ellen
p.s. sorry it is such a long post

J · 23 Mar 2001

Hi Janey
I recognise such a lot of what you are saying.
Please think about seeing a Counsellor - if only to release some of the emotion and thoughts you are having without fear of being judged. I only had my dh to talk to as well but problems started when he couldn't support me anymore because the pressure got too much for him (grief for past miscarriages / ivf failures, working long hours etc). We split up for a few months but thankfully are back together now. A counsellor listened to me and didn't judge me and helped deal with my relationship with dh and how to deal with talking to other people. It wasn't a miracle cure but it has helped me deal with things on a day to day basis without it getting to the point of a complete breakdown again. Also i am now on anti-depressants as i want to help myself get better and stronger to tackle the future and possibly more cycles - talk to your GP - they are normally very understanding. Don't try and battle these feelings yourself - let someone else help you cope.
Your post is far from selfish - you have every right to hurt so badly. Everyone copes with miscarriage differently but for people like us it so much harder to move on - we have to battle with so much more than the loss of the baby. Give yourself some time to find yourself again and regain some inner stength. Spend some quality time with your dh and dd - it will help them as much as it helps you.
I wish i could say that the pain will go away but unfortunately it doesn't - all i can say is that counselling and anti-depressants have helped me cope with the pain and stopped the pain destroying my life.
You are never alone - we are all here for you and understand your pain.
Take care
Jo x

janeyf · 16 Nov 2005

Hi girls,

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me too. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take the hurt away from all of us. It really does mean so much to know that there are people who care and understand.

Thank you all once again for your kind thoughts and wishes, I sincerely hope one day we all get our dream.

Love to you all, Janey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

janeyh · 06 Jul 2005

Hi Janey

I am truly sorry for how you are feeling, I have only just come across this post, and would have posted sooner if I had seen it.

Please try and go down the counselling route, i was counselled over the break up of my 1st marriage (completely different to IVF I know) but just found it helpful to talk to a 3rd party who wasn't involved.

Please take care of yourself, I know your heart is breaking but you have a wonderful husband, dd and dss who need you.

Take care love Jane xx

janeyf · 16 Nov 2005

Jane,

Thank you for your kind words. I have thought about counselling many times but I just can't bring myself to do it. I put on a brave face and a smile every day for my family and the outside world whilst inside I am falling apart. I suppose I'm scared if I let that barrier down to anyone then I won't be able to carry on being a mum and a wife and all will be lost.

Love Janey xx

janeyh · 06 Jul 2005

Hi Jane

It too me a lot to go in the end a close friend of mine booked the appointment for after she come round for a coffee and see I had smashed a load of things in the house!.. The 1st session wasn't easy i will admit, but there on after each session became easier and easier. You wont be letting your family down if they truly see how you are feeling, they will help you through this, especially dh, dont shut him out of your true feelings or else you could end up resenting him. Please think about it,

Love Jane x

Littlun · 13 May 2006

Janey,

I am just going to say this Jane has given you the best advise please think about it.

Much love and kind thoughts are heading your way hun*

janeyf · 16 Nov 2005

Jane and Littleun,

Thank you so much ladies, I WILL seriously think about it.

Janey xxxx

janeyh · 06 Jul 2005

Hi Janey

Thanks for your kind words on CB. Really glad you are going to think about counselling, you will end up feeling as if a whole load of weight has been lifted, I promise, wont happen overnight but you will get there.

Thinking about you and take care

Love

Jane x