CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

Jez · 23 Sep 2005

Everyone (well, coming here we know it's not everyone really don't we) getting ready for happy family get togethers ... but not for us, and I hate it so much.

I really just cannot stand it and wonder when things will get better. I guess if we weren't one of the "unexplained infertility" cases, it might be easier, if there was definitely something wrong. Maybe that would help me to close that part of my life ... but there isn't and in january it'll be two years since our last cycle and I still cry inside every hour of every day that I'm alive. Why has it happened to me, to us, what have I done to deserve it? Why? I'm not perfect, but I'm not bad.

OK then Christmas is out the way, then it's DP's birthday, then Valentine, then Mother's Day, Easter then my birthday then Fathers Day and I just don't want anything to do with any of it any more - all these events that should be happy but just remind me that I'm not a daddy and it feels like I'm being kicked when I'm already down, so down. Boo!

A couple we're friends with over the road had a little boy in February and he's so lovely - I even got to push the push chair the other day and I felt so ridiculously happy doing that simple thing - something so many take for granted but I felt so deliriously happy pushing little Alfie along, tipping the chair up so he could look up at me and smile and laugh ... but I had to give him back!

There, rant over, got to get back to work - the phone rang in the middle of typing this and I had to put on a happy voice but at least it was a supplier and not a customer!

Love to you all

Jerry xx

Nikki B · 15 Dec 2005

Oh Jez,

Your post really made me think of exactly how I felt last year. I really feel for you hun.
I thought I must have been Gengis Khan in a past life or something. You are not being punished for not being perfect, Im sure of that.
I had 2 cycles last year, 2 BFPs & 2 miscarriages & very nearly didnt try again as the pain was just too much, but something inside me just wouldnt give in, no matter how much the thought of failure yet again scared me. I finally got my dream 11wks ago (after many years if infertility & heartache just like you described) & gave birth to perfect twins
Dont give up sweetheart. You will make a fantastic daddy one day soon.

Take care of yourself, huge hugs

Nikki
xxxx

dianeuk · 17 Nov 2004

jerry

i TOTALLY no where ur coming from, i feel exactly the same so much i hav even said to dh we sud just go abroad at xmas as over here its for them with kids and we dont and cant hav any Crying or Very sad

for the last 13 yrs we hav been on tablets,had ops and 6 cycles of ivf ,every xmas ,birthday,etc ive thought i wonder if this time next year i will hav my child, boooooooooo and im still waitin as now money is an issue

takecare hunny, we will get there 1 day i hope (((HUGSS))

Fiona Ha · 26 Aug 2004

Hi Jez,
I really do feel for you. It's so hard at the special times of year because it magnifies all of your feelings of loss. It has taken us 17 yrs to have our dream family and 10 lots of tx in all. Please don't give up. I too have felt exactly as you do many times. Christmas is sooo hard when you're still dreaming of having a child , thinking of you both, love Fiona x

Jez · 23 Sep 2005

Thnak you all so much - the cyber hugs do feel warm and supportive - just what I need right now!

I made two mums cry yesterday - with happiness when I delivered the photographs I'd done of their little ones - I saved mine til I was back in my car!

Thank you xx

Solucky41 · 10 Sep 2006

Please don't give up. After 10 years of 'unexplained infertility' on our 4th attempt (a frozen transfer) and at the ages of 38 we achieved a pregnancy - our son. Keep trying and remain positive. Unexplained infertility is always difficult to deal with as you said, but it certainly does not mean that your dreams cannot become true.

kerry121 · 18 Aug 2007

I know exactly what you mean about this time of year.
This Christmas my baby son would have been 1 year old, but I lost him last year at 26 weeks.

Last year we went abroad to escape it all. This year has been so difficult, and yesterday my husband walked out, and is staying with his sister. He says I've got to sort out my anxiety and get some counselling or something.

It is all so very hard, and waiting and trying is so difficult, but this BB helps.

I hope you are feeling alittle bit happier.

Kerry x

Jez · 23 Sep 2005

Oh Kerry - so sorry to hear that.

The strain this situation places upon our relationships is immense, and often so hard to bear. I'm amazed my DP hasn't kicked me out yet, I think I'm probably very difficult to live with.

Our only pg ended in mc at 7 weeks, but had that not happened she'd (I've always assumed a girl ...) have been three last month.

I hope things start to look up for you too, Kerry, and that your husband can resolve his issues with your situation.

Jerry xx

kerry121 · 18 Aug 2007

Jerry, thankyou for your reply.

It is all so very hard. I have had 3 natural pgs, 2 missed mcs at 8 and 12 weeks, and they felt so awful, so I do understand.

They say that 1 in 3 pg will be mc, but the facts dont seem to make it any easier when it happens to you.

It is the strain of picking up the pieces and trying again and again that is so hard.

We had a funeral for our son, but since then, my husband has hardly spoken to me about our loss. It has put a huge strain on us, and our relationship has ended up like this.

I have rung for counselling this morning, so I'll see if it helps. My husband has called today to say he will come with me to an appointment tomorrow about an operation and chromosome testing, so I am taking heart from that. It all feels so strange without him here.

I wish you and your DP well, and thanks again for caring, it has meant a lot to me today.

Kerry x

Jez · 23 Sep 2005

"my husband has hardly spoken to me about our loss"

Sadly, most of us men are not good at talking about things like this, we tend to bottle up for fear of being vulnerable, or even to avoid seeing our partners distressed and upset; certainly the latter stops me from talking quite often, and I'm a fairly open emotional kind of bloke! His silence may not be a sign that he isn't as upset and anxious as you.

The strain is so hard, dealing with something that for most people just isn't an issue, and there are so many references to parents, mothers, fathers, children, babies absolutely everywhere - another favourite space of mine on the net are a couple of photographers forums, and even there I'm not safe, as occasionally a very proud daddy or mum posts a picture of their newborn.

Thinking of you!

Jerry xx

* · 25 Feb 2006

Kerry

I wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through. I've suffered (and still do) from anxiety and it's not nice, but I feel your dh really needs to support you or it will get worse. I had a course of cognitive behavioural therapy earlier this year and have had a couple of counselling sessions at work, the CBT did help but it's more a way of managing thought processes and behaviours rather than a cure. It's understandable that you feel this way after what you've been through and it's bound to put a strain on you. I've also had 4 m/cs (the longest pg was 10.5 weeks but the baby, a girl, stopped growing at 7 weeks in May), so I can also relate to what you say. My first m/c was in Feb 2004 and I often think " I should have a 3 year old now etc" especially as everyone else seems to now have children or be pg. I hope you sort things out with your DH. Mine is really supportive, but he doesn't say a lot, he says he doesn't want to keep reminding me (as if I'd forget) but I just think men cope in different ways really but you both have to try to be open with each other else things will fester. Good luck, if you want to chat I'm here.

Jez

I hope you didn't mind me replying to Kerry, she posted me a lovely message this morning on another thread and I just felt I had to reply. I too hate this time of year. It's all geared up for families and I often think about all me friends and my sis in their homes with their young children and then there's me and DH. We alternate Christmas day now at my parents and his parents - my sis had a 2 year old (conceived the first month she tried) and my BIL has 2 step daughters (inherited within 5 months of getting together with his then g/f) and they have applied to foster babies - so at either house we have 'happy' families in our face. We've decided to go away for NY this year, it will be so nice to just get away from everyone we know wishing us 'happy New Year' when none of the last 5 have been happy (I've m/c'd every year since 2004).

Sorry to ramble, you're right though, we do put brave faces on to the world. Sometimes I just want to scream at people to tell them how unhappy I am but how can I?

Love to you both,

Diane x

Nikki B · 15 Dec 2005

Diane, Jez & Kerry,

Just wanted to wish you all a happy xmas and truly hope you all have a much happier 2008. Will pray that all 3 of you get your dreams next year. I hope none of you give up as Im sure you'll all make fantastic parents.
Thinking of you all. Big hugs

Nikki
xxxx

Jez · 23 Sep 2005

Hi Nikki

Many thanks for your best wishes - it means a lot! I feel very lonely right now, and have done for a long time. I think we have pretty much given up now, all routes, and that's what making me so sad. I would so love to have held my lover's pregnant body in my arms, and my babies too ...

Kerry - how did your appointment go, in terms of both the treatment and your dh?

Jx

Jez · 23 Sep 2005

It really makes you feel the world hates you .... couldn't get to sleep last night, as so often, lying there thinking about my life and where I am ..... plug in the mp3 to listen to the soothing tones of Radio 4 ..... what's on .... Book of the Week ... usually pretty good .... what book ..... "Waiting for Daisy: The True Story of One Couple's Quest to Have a Baby" ......... I really hate the world sometimes!

Nikki B · 15 Dec 2005

Big hugs honey. If I win the lottery at any point I'll personally pay for a few cycles for you. I hope from the bottom of my heart you achieve your dream.

Nikki
xxxx

Jez · 23 Sep 2005

Can I buy you a ticket then!!

Thank you, Nikki! You've made me smile!

xx

Nikki B · 15 Dec 2005

Course you can! Just a thought, but CARE wrote to me the other day advising they were doing a Sperm share scheme, you are allowed one subsidised cycle. I dont want to assume that money is an issue for you, but maybe something worth considering if you have no issues with that sort of thing. If you want more info, let me know & I'll dig out the letter for you.
In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed that my numbers come up!!!

Take care babe

Nikki
x

Jez · 23 Sep 2005

I wouldn't mind, I'd try pretty much anything, it's more that my dp has, understandably had enough of the whole thing now and is ready to move on and enjoy a child free lifestyle.

I'll just have to remember to tune to Radio 3 tonight, if I'm still sleepless!

Just checked your biog, Nikki - well done - how are Caitlin and Callum?

Thanks Nikki

Nikki B · 15 Dec 2005

Dug out the letter & basically, assuming your swimmers are ok, you give up to 7 samples to CARE for them to donate to anyone who needs it. These are quarantined for 6 months & then you return for your check blood tests & provided these are normal, you are eligible for one cycle. This costs £500 plus £100 for female screening & the HFEA fee of £104.50

I completely understand that your DP has had enough of it all. It is a rollercoaster beyond belief. When I had my miscarriages last year, I could easily have thrown in the towel but carried on in an almost masochistic (sp?) way. I honestly didnt think it would work, despite the doctors telling me that miscarriage was a good sign of an eventual pregnancy. As you know, miscarriage feels anything but a good sign. But I felt so numb that I figured it couldnt actually hurt anymore & so tried again.
As understandable as her feelings are to you, maybe you should broach the subject one more time. It seems to me that you havent moved on & are not at all ready to enjoy a child free lifestyle. I know men are not good at talking about feelings & stuff, but I really think you should try honey.
Callum & Caitlin are just fine thank you. Again, big hugs, as this time last year, I was in the exact same scenario as you, so I can relate to how you feel. Have you seen this by the way?
http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html
Be careful, its very emotive & makes me cry! So watch it maybe when you think a good cry might help!

Tell me to but out & mind my own business if you want to by the way. Am on here alot though if you want to chat more!

Take care

Nikki
xxx

mangobaby · 23 Jan 2008

Hi Jerry,

Your post prompted me to register so I could reply to you. Your situation sounds so similar to ours and I felt I couldn't not reply. I felt the same as you all the time and withdrew from friends/family and became incredibly bitter about our situation and aggressive towards everyone.

Initially, we had several attempts at IVF/ICSI which all failed and actually had booked our first appointment with social services to register for adoption, then we got talking to someone who suggested DW went for uterine doppler studies. The result of this was that DW has poor endometrial blood flow - to cut a very long story short DW was prescribed Viagra and we had a success straight away, resulting in our daughter. This has been followed by 1 more cycle - same protocol - success again.

I am not saying that this is your issue but your story sounded so like ours I thought, for the sake of £150, it might be worth you considering as a last resort.

The very best of luck whatever you decide to do.

Simon

Isobel · 25 Apr 2004

Jez your posts always make me feel so sad for you. I've posted to you before, so I won't harp on. But I can't help but say that it seems that you and your partner are in totally different places. If she is moving on to enjoy a child-free lifestyle, where does that leave you? Does she understand the depth of your feeling? Facing a problem as a couple is one thing, but having diverging views makes coping much harder.

Life is long Jez, and you have many many years in which to live with your choices. Please don't force yourself to stay in a situation that is making you unhappy.

Sorry if I'm being blunt, I don't mean to upset you. You clearly love your partner a great deal, and obviously you know best what's right for you. But I can see a similarity in the situation I once faced, and you know the outcome of that story.

All the best

Isobel xx

Jez · 23 Sep 2005

Hi everyone

Thank you all for taking the time and trouble to reply - it's much appreciated and makes me feel less isolated.

Nikki - you are right about that video - I hadn't seen it but it is so very true isn't it. Watched it a couple of times yesterday and it released floods of tears, which actually did make me feel a bit better - strange isn't it, sometimes the emotions just build up inside and when there's a release, it's like a pressure valve being turned. Paying for more cycles isn't really the issue, though of course unlimited funds would be fantastic - it's more that my DP has just doesn't want to do any more, and at our ages (me 47, she 44) probably rightly feels the chances of a positve outcome are very limited indeed.

Simon - thank you too so much for taking the trouble to register! There's some nice poeple around here. Wish we'd heard about this earlier - I've googled this and not sure if it would have been good for us or not - ours is one of those unexplained cases, so frustrating not having anything to blame as such. If you see what I've said to Nikki above, it's highly unlikely we'll be having any further cycles - our last was Jan 2006. Glad to hear of your success - it's heartening, especially as it does sound as if your were in the same kind of place - while not feeling aggressive towards anyone, I do feel so withdrawn and not part of family things - Christmas Day I was really just sitting there feeling a bit dazed, didn't really feel part of anything at all, just wanted everything to be done with so we could get back to the normal routines.

Thanks one and all

Jx

Nikki B · 15 Dec 2005

Hi Jez,

Just wondered how you were doing & if you had maybe decided to chat to your DP about it?
I notice you have always troed with your own sperm & eggs. would she/you consider donor eggs / embryos at all?
Hope you're ok

Nikki
x

Jez · 23 Sep 2005

Hello Nikki

Thanks for post - it's nice to know you're there, as not being a CARE patient and a long way away from you all, I never really ever get to see and talk with anyone who's been through this. There's one group locally but they're all at much earlier stages in their journeys, and I'm not sure it's the right place for me.

I actually did a wonderful post this morning but think I closed the window before hitting the submit button - aarrgghh - and there's no way I can recreate it as it was so I won't try I don't think.

Essentially, I think our situation now is that treatment is over - my dp was so adamant about that two years ago and I know that hasn't have changed, if anything her views have strengthened since then. I would have tried any option that looked good, whether de, ds, surrogacy, whatever, though our consultant didn't think de would do us any good; unfortunately we didn't get any kind of final consultation; my dp just wanted to end any contact with the "system".

So the elephant still sits in the corner of the room, occassionally winking! Often farting!

But the post I did this morning in response to you, Nikki, kind of took me by surprise a little bit, well a lot actually ... as I was tapping away at the keyboard, these words started appearing on the screen, and I guess they were coming from me ... along the lines I'm not going to let this get me down anymore, I'm getting out there, (not sure where yet, but I'm getting out there!), getting out to gigs and things, rediscovering old passions and finding new ones, throwing off the hibernation we went into during treatment (partly finance partly just lying low), throwing off the blanket that is stifling me, and then I rambled on about life's journey, how it's sometimes good, sometimes bad, but the overall tone of the message was positive, upbeat, optimistic, forward looking - I went to a professional photography convention a couple of weeks ago and a lot of the speakers talked about goals and journeys and plans, and reaching out for what you, and putting yourself into places where what you want will happen for you - making your own luck, those kinds of ideas. But as well as saying all this in the context of the businesses we run, they also were very much putting it in the context of our lives, and where we want to be, what we want to do with our lives ... so I'm not quite sure what the next stage of my journey is ( ... or am I?) but I'm fed up with being where I am, and by the end of this year I will be in a much better place than at the end of last.

This morning I expressed this all so much more eloquently, it all just flowed, not sure exactly where from, and as I typed I realised that tears were streaming down my cheeks but I was laughing and smiling! There's a lot of thoughts and ideas swirling aorund my little brain right now, quite where they're going to take me I'm not sure, but it's got to be better than where I've been!

Hey, and this time I am going to hit "Submit"

Jerry xx

Nikki B · 15 Dec 2005

Hiya,

Cant believe you shut the window before hitting submit, what r u like! Rolling Eyes

I'm sorry to hear that blasted elephant is still in the room, it farts too... cant you shoot it?
On a brighter note, your post DID sound positive, upbeat & optimistic, weather it was a 2nd attempt or not. You sound like you do know the direction in which you want to travel. I think the convention did you the world of good maybe. By the end of the year? It sounds as if you are already in a better place...Going out to gigs, rediscovering passions... Thats not the Jerry that 1st posted here is it.
I hope those ideas & thoughts that are swirling take you to a very happy place indeed. I will understand if that means you abandon us over here, but we are always here if you need us. Im sure Isobel will be proud of you too. I think we both just felt that you werent at all happy & to quote a bit of a cliche on you, "Life isnt a dress rehearsal"
You know, "talking" to you has made me enquire about a couple of things recently. I've looked into altruistic egg donation & host surrogacy. If I helped one person like you, I'd have achieved something very special indeed.
Take care honey, hope you keep in touch

Nikki
xx