CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

Wenna · 12 Nov 2008

I should have known better that my luck has never held for when i really needed it to but somehow this time i thought i'd turned a corner and things were going our way.

We had had numerous failed IUI and then in September last year we started our first ICSI IVF and the joy and love i felt when i got my BFP was indescribable!!! Then when we went for our first scan at 8wks and they told us we were expecting twins i thought my heart would burst with joy. My lovely dh's face was pure shock and happiness we'd finally after 6yrs managed our dream & it was double!!!

I had a fantastic pregnancy from the beginning i didn't suffer with morning sickness, i developed anemia but nothing major. My bump grew rapidly and soon i could feel my girls moving around they loved chocolate which i hardly ate but boy when i did they had a party in there. We nicknamed them Lump & Bump until i went for a scan at 20wks when we found out it was 2 girls. Immediately we knew their names and went and brought some girly clothes as we'd only gotten a few baby gro's etc.

Then out of the blue @ my 23wk point on the 19th March i woke up & i was bleeding immediately i panicked and burst into tears my poor dh only just in from a night shift didn't know wot do. My mum & dad came and rushed me down to the hospital where they scanned & swabbed, and listened in to Madison & Jessica to see how they were and all was fine. They let me stay in as a extra precaution just to keep and eye but thought all was well as my cervix was long and fully closed.
Typically i let my hopes up thinking it was just a blip with the extra strain of two in there but not to be. at 9.20pm that night i got terrible pains coming in waves i'd gone into labour but my cervix wasn't opening. They rushed me into labour ward in the early hours of Friday morning as a precaution as the pains weren't stopping.
Eventually they put me onto a drip to slow my labour and gave me an injection to mature Madison & Jessica's lungs as my cervix was starting to thin out.
But luck isn't and wasn't on our side to allow our babies to grow stronger inside me & at 02.25am on 21st March Madison was born and at 02.33am 21st March Jessica was born we'd been prepared for the various gloomy outcomes. They were both absolutely gorgeous weighing 1lb6 & 1lb8 tiny angels so perfect and precious. Our precious girls though came out screaming and kicking away & were rushed in NICU. All this time my dh was my rock as i fell apart everything in me was willing Madison & Jessica to fight.

For nearly 48hrs they fought, i got to bathe them, change them & get to know them for which i feel very honoured to have been allowed the time to be their mummy. However Jessica wasn't very strong and on the 22nd March 10pm Jessica died in my arms squeezing my finger with her gorgeous long fingers. We got to bathe her and dress her in a beautiful little outfit which even though tiny was far to big for her perfect little body but she still looked totally gorgeous.
Throughout this time Madison was still holding her own and we sat with her for awhile then went to get some sleep we felt totally drained physically & emotionally. Sadly Madison crashed by the time we'd gotten back to the ward & we rushed back down to her side to find she'd had a heamorrage and wasn't going to survive the night. Again we did as we had with Jessica and held her in my arms and talked to her constantly she too knew her mummy and daddy and she was squeezing our fingers tightly with her own long fingers. But her pain was too much and she died in my arms 1am on the 23rd March squeezing my finger.

I feel so cheated and empty why my girls why us, what did we do wrong, there was nothing to warn of any problem what did we do??? We've wanted this for 6yrs and were so close but Madison & Jessica were cruelly snatched away from us i feel like i failed them & my dh why couldn't i keep them to term, am i that bad i wasn't allowed our dream???

I feel so guilty i desperately wanted our angels and i feel guiltier still for wanting to try again, am i wrong to feel this i don't know how to be or what i'm meant to do now. I still look pregnant but i'm not, i'm a mummy but they're not with me anymore, i'm neither me nor who i was about to be Crying or Very sad

Can anyone tell me if i'm normal i've talked to my dh and he's been my rock even through his devastation at losing his longed for little girls. I love him so very much but feel like i've failed him totally in the one thing we've tried to long and hard for Crying or Very sad

I'm sorry for such a long post but i can't stop questioning everything even if i should be posting about this.

For Madison & Jessica never forget your mummy and daddy love you so very very much and miss you with everything we are. Sweet dreams my little girls we love you now & forever xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

vonny · 01 May 2006

Wenna, (((BIG, BIG HUGS)))

You have every reason to feel cheated and empty but rest assured, do not feel guilty and don't punish yourself, you did everything right and you are a mummy but sadly you will not enjoy your beautiful little girls in this life. Rest assured also that they enjoyed the comfort of their mummy for the little time they had in this life. They will be with you forever and so they should.

Wishing you the strength to get through these dark days until the sun shines again for you.

You will get the support you need here.

Take care sweetheart,
Vonny
x

**Honee** · 06 Aug 2008

Wenna, darling. I can only echo what Vonny has said above. I am so so very sorry for your loss. You must never ever feel guilty, you did everything you could. Your gorgeous girls are sleeping now, together.

Lots of love

Honee xxxx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Wenna

(((((((HUGS)))))))) I read your post and have tried to reply a few times but never quite sure what to put. I am so, so sorry for your loss and can only imagine the heartache you are feeling right now. I lost a baby at 12 weeks and felt all the things you have described so I can only agree that what you are feeling is normal from my experience and yours is a much bigger loss.

Please don't blame yourself, you did nothing wrong and have not failed your DH, for some reason , you may never know why, your darling girls were not meant to stay with you longer than the couple of days they did. You gave them all the love and comfort they needed and did your best for them while you could and I am sure they will be looking over you and with you forever.

Take care
Love
mel x

*Sarah* · 25 May 2005

Wenna

I have no other words of wisdom but did not want to read and run as it must of taken you alot to put that down in words and I hope that it has helped you in someway.

I can not imagine what you are going through but please do not blame yourself.I am so sorry for your loss of your two girls,its so tragic and I hope over time you will get your strengh back.

Take Care (((HUGS)))

AliceS · 19 Feb 2007

Wenna,
I know there is nothing I can say or do to make things better. I'm just so sad that things like this have to happen to anyone, especially after going through so many years of TCC like you have. My thoughts are with you and your DH at this sad time and I do hope you will be happy again soon.

Alice xx

*MichelleJ* · 28 Mar 2006

Wenna,

I am so sorry to hear of your tragic loss. I wish I could say something to take away even a fraction of the pain you are both feeling right now, I really do.

There is no ryhme nreason for what happened to your precious daughters... it is certainly nothing that you did honey, you must remember that.

I will pray that you and your DH find the strength to get through this extremely hard time. I am certain that Madison & Jessica are watching over you and will help you find happiness again.

((((HUGS))))

Michelle
xxxx

bunjack · 22 Jan 2006

Wenna -

Nothing I can say to help - just wanted you to know there are people out there who care.

I hope you and DH are able to get through this together and find some strength from your 2 beautiful girls. They'll be safe and in peace together now and looking out for you both.

Many (((hugs)))
Bethan x

LouisaE · 09 Apr 2002

Wenna

You have every right to question what is the most unfair thing in life - losing a child - and my heart goes out to you and your DH at this tragic and unbelievably sad time for you.

My thoughts are with you at the loss of your beautiful daughters.

Take care of yourselves and be strong.

Lx

Isobel · 25 Apr 2004

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through, really tragic, I can't imagine how awful it must feel.

Can I suggest that you post Briony? She's a lovely lady, been posting for years, and she lost twin boys at about 20 weeks. I'm sure she'd be able to reassure you that all your feelings are natural, and that the pain eventually subsides. She also has a positive outcome, because she's just had a baby, after more treatment.

Marshmallow also posts - she lost her baby at 37 weeks, so you could maybe post her too.

We all feel desperately sympathetic, but sometimes it helps to talk to people who've actually been through it I imagine.

Thinking of you

Isobel xx

LouisaE · 09 Apr 2002

Also, Wenna, there is a lady called Nikki (name on here = hope_tom) who lost twins at 22 weeks then went on to have twins afterwards. She doesn't post often but was on here a couple of months back.

Thinking of you

Lx

niksykate · 30 Aug 2007

So sorry to read of your tragic loss. I pray for you, your DH and your little angels. Though I have not lost a child I have two friends who have plus the cyber friends on here and I have seen their grief so my heart really does hurt and go out for you. Love Nik x

Reds(1703) · 20 Sep 2005

Wenna & DH,

My heart is breaking for you both that you have lost your precious daughters. Life can be so cruel and it isn't a reflection or judgement on you. You are guilty of nothing, sweetheart.

Sadly, there are other mothers on here who have lost their precious babies like you - Briony, Marshmallow and Tania that I know of in the last few years alone. You are not wrong for wanting to try again - Tania lost twin girls after they survived only a few weeks after being born at 23 weeks, but has since gone on to have twins again; Briony lost twin boys at 19 weeks and has just had a baby girl 2 weeks ago; Marshmallow is trying for a sibling for Kitty who was born sleeping - so you see, others who have faced the same pain as you have also wanted to try again.

There is a specialist bereavement site for those who have lost twins, which is part of Tamba http://www.tamba-bsg.org.uk/ I hope it might be of some use to you when you feel up to it.

If it helps you to deal with daily life by posting on here, you will always get support. If you want to stay away, then everyone will understand.

Take care.

lol
Reds
xx

Sah · 14 Sep 2004

My heart goes out to you and your DH. God bless your angels. You are a mummy and a mummy of twins at that. Your girls will always be in yours & DH's heart and they are with each other too xx

I was going to suggest what Reds has done re the TAMBA support group. You have been through and are going through so much. Please allow yourself time to grieve and keep talking to your DH.

I wish I could take some of your pain too. xx

City Chic · 15 Aug 2005

Wenna,

I am so, so saddened to read your story of your beautiful little Angels, Madison & Jessica, I just wish that there was something/anything that I could do to help you through this pain, my heart goes you to you and your DH.

Please take care of each other, I'm sure your little girls will be with you always.

City Chic x x

Wenna · 12 Nov 2008

I just wanted to thank everyone for all your replies it means so much knowing there are people out there.

The funeral is tomorrow morning and i'm not entirely sure how i'll make it through it just doesn't seem right i keep hoping to wake up from a bad dream Sad

One of the worst things i've ever had to do was go and see them in their coffin last night. We'd brought them a teddy each before it all went wrong so it was only right they had them to keep them safe, we also gave them a picture of their mummy & daddy smiling & put it at their heads so they know we're always there and love them so very much.
I dreaded last night and i can't stop feeling like i should be with them so they're not alone. They have each other as we didn't want them seperated but i just can't shake the feeling of meant to be sat with them Crying or Very sad

Thank you all so much for your kind words and feelings it really does mean alot to me & my dh!!

Love Wen xx

City Chic · 15 Aug 2005

Wen,

Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Take Care

City Chic x

AliceS · 19 Feb 2007

Wenna,
Will be thinking of you as well tomorrow and hope things go ok,
Take care,
Alice xx

**slummymummy** · 26 Aug 2008

I am sooo sorry to read your news. I lost my wee boy 6 years ago next week. I never in a million years thought I would get through it but I did. I actually found his funeral ok because it was something i thought he deserved. We too bought him a wee teddy and wrote him a letter and put a pic of mummy and daddy in his coffin. After his funeral we let off heart shaped balloons and went for a walk in the rain--it was lovely.
Our funeral director was fantastic and said death is like a cut on the hand--the pain eases but the scar will always be there and 6 years later its so true.
We now have dd who is nearly 5 --she certainly helps but you dont forget.
Wishing lots of strength for tomorrow
E xxx

HellsBells · 19 Jun 2006

I cannot bgin to understand and feel what you are going through. You met your little girls for a short while but they will have felt your love and you theirs.

God bless Madison and Jessica ,keep them safe forever.

HellsBells x

Katie (KTF) · 11 Jan 2008

Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Such very very sad news. Please don't feel you did anything wrong hun.

You and your DH take care of each other.

xx

Rallygirl · 06 Mar 2006

Thinking of you tomorrow,

Jo xx

ClareBear · 27 Nov 2007

Wenna - thinking of you today, my thoughts and love are with you both on this difficult day.

Much love
Clare xx

helenm · 24 Nov 2005

Wenna

I am so sorry to hear about your loss of your two girls. Yes it is cruel and unfair and you have every right to feel like you have described.

It wasn't anything you did and was certainly not your fault that they died, it just happened and nobody knows why it happened to you. Perhaps there is a purpose in the future that you will fulfil and this was part of it, we don't know.

You have nothing to feel guilty about and all your feelings are perfectly normal. Twin pregnancies can be riskier, and this was just the way it happened for you, no more no less.

I don't think that wanting to try again is at all abnormal either, so don't worry about that feeling, just accept it for the future. Of course you desperately wanted your little girls and just because they are not here now doesn't mean that the longing for a child has gone away.

You will come through this Wenna, it will get better, really it will. Not today, not tomorrow but one day, even if you don't know when that day will be. Just try to believe that for the moment.

I wish you and your husband all the best for today, even though it won't be easy. And I send you much love for the future.

Helen x

Reds(1703) · 20 Sep 2005

Wenna & DH,

Sending you lots of love on such a difficult day.

lol
Reds
xx