CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

wannababy09 · 28 Mar 2009

oh chelle, i just feel exactly the same as you my love, in fact i couldhave written the same words. i have been back to wor a week now and to be honest it has helped, but to be honest i wouldnt have gone back if it wasnt for my mum making me!!!! yes i am 31 years old but she said she was going to drive me there!!! i guess mums do know best but it was hard, i think i could have carried on sitting in my pjama's watching daytime tv feeling sorry for myself for ever!!! dont get me wrong im heartbroken and so so tired of life but work does give me something else to think about, i suppose for now it gives me a purpose. the girl i sit next to has also just gone through a mc, although i dont know her that well yet ithink we are propping each other up at work.
ive found it really hard in the last few weeks, because it was my brothers wedding and my aunty recently died, to totally selfish ive had to kind of put my feelings on hold because of this andput a brave face on, but this weekend its all hit me a bit again, i also would have been 12 weeks last monday, i cant believe what the last 3-4 months has been like.
i hope all you lovely ladies are ok, we didnt deserve any of this and we are not alone, this is a utterly shitty time in our lives and things can only get better!!!!!!
love, hugs and best wishes o you all
Kerry xxxx

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Wannababy and Chelle, I can relate so much to all you are saying and Wannababy, like you have felt so tired of life and yours sounsd like a real whirlwind recently. I am sorry to hera about your aunt.

Chelle, you have been such an amazing support to me, anything I can say or do to help make it a bit easier, I wil do it. I hope yesterday at work went ok for you. You are probably hurting so much, feeling so much pain, that is why you have pushed people away. I have too, in my own, way, I have been skulking around not wanting to see people. I feel so tired and need to have things on my terms for a bit, selfish as it seems. Chelle, as you know Andy and I have been rowing, he wants to help but I feel he is watching me go through this to some degree.

I think this process is going to take time, but we will get through.

The twelve week milestone is going to be a nightmare, mine is coming up. You two have done it and come out the other side, very well done. Each step forward is a big achievment. The due date is obviously going to be hard, we all thougt we were (at last) going to be mummies. It maybe a good time to plan some distractions. Mine is Feb 19th.

Love to everyone, we can support each other xxxx

nicknacknoo · 04 May 2009

Hi ladies,

Titchy, Wannababy09, & Chelle

It is completeley understandable to feel how you do. I find this bulletin board helps, as so many of us feel the same. this helps me put things in prospective & not to start thinking I am being a miserable cow, strange, mad etc etc

If I am I have good reason to be lol!

Titchy - It is not about being selfish, its about looking after yourself. Your retail therapy sounded good. Over the past yr have not bought as much clothing as ususal, as reluctant when pregnant & when TTC. So nice treat for yourself. Hope you are enjoying a few days off.

We are all feeling a loss, unless you have been through any significant loss, it is very difficult for others to understand. Grieving has a process, like all the milestones that you guys are mentioning.

Small steps at at time, although some of us may be used to big steps at times !!

Chelle - Well done on returning to work, it is a big step. again all the feelings you have are associated with what you have been through. I was off recently for anxiety & fear of panic attack. Usually I am very confident.
Same with friends & family, more cut off than usual. Some if asked, might even say I have changed. I don't care though. this process & loss along the way has made me a better person. It has made me over time put myself first for a change!! Those that care will try to understand.

Saw Dr Davies at NHS on mon, was booked as wanting to discuss stitch in cervix from natural conception. Although I MC, thought would still see, free consutation. I said I felt wanted to explore immune issues, to rule out or in issues. Gave blood for tests after app, thus saving us £800 that Care would charge for same tests. Only difference is Care get back tests in 2/3 weeks, where as NHS 2/3 weeks, but one test is up to 3 months. So felt like if I don't ask I don't get as Dr Davies may not have suggested immune tests level 1, if I hadn't mentioned & knew my next plan of action.

Feel like the ball is rolling again, has given me a boost too, Just waiting for AF to come after MC bleed, then shall be trying naturally for a while again. Have 5 frosties left, if I want to go down that road again.

I am not thinking about the milestones, I think because there are still so many milestones with the loss of my twin boys that still feel so raw somedays. Like the fact they would be 4 months now & probably weaning.

It never goes away & has an affect, but I am determined that I will keep moving forward.

Just like all you ladies are doing, slowly moving forward.

Anyhow, take care, keep in touch.

Hugs
Nicky xx

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Ah Nicky, yours is atouching message, particulalry about the four month thing and weaning. Makes us all think. I am glad you have saved some money on the tests, wish this ivf thing wasn't so costly. like you am going to try naturally for a while.

Chelle, how are you getting on?

How about everybody else xx

tiredmum3 · 15 Jan 2008

just wanted to say things do get easier.
I myself was in this position last christmas. I miscarried at six weeks which I think was due to ohss which was not handled correctly by care in the fact I was given no advice on it other than to go to hospI ital who in turn were clueless. I had a month off work as I had to wait two weeks to bleed by thankfully I did this on my own without any medical intervention. I too see white feathers quite a lot but I often put them down to my mum who passed three yrs ago but thinking now these could be from my bean. I feel the same even now - was I expecting a boy or girl. was there one or two etc. I found seeing ladies on here who found out the same time as me displaying their baby pictures very hard as my baby would be due now. Also seeing people around me who were pregnant at the same time with their babies hard - one in particular seeing in asda may me cry as I just thought that should be me. At the time I hate to say this but I almost resented the ladies who I had cycled with and had gone on to keep their babies as I thought why me ?. I suppose thats natural though.
I cycled two months after my miscarriage which was cancelled due to poor response which I believe was because my body wasnt ready to go again and that felt exactly the same as when I had m/c. I vowed to give myself time which I have done. I want to cycle in nov again strangely enough. I have lost weight and hope my body is ready for cycle number 3. I am trying not to think about if the same thing happens again or if I get a negative result or even if dont produce just got to be positive that is all any one of us can do I suppose. chelle and all the other ladies - take care of yourselves and allow yourselves to grieve no matter what anyone says. You need to .
love and hugs adele (tiredmum3)

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Hi teird mum thank you for your message. I also wnat to cycle in nov, wouldn't it be lovely to be fat for xmas - however it will be 2 months after for me, so maybe will be too soon. Did you ahve to pay for your cancelled cycle, how far did you get? You have given yourself time and I hope this is your year. xxx

Brandy · 16 Jun 2009

Hi Everyone,
Please can I join this thread, I had a scan yesterday at 11 weeks and 5 days only to be told that there no longer was a heartbeat and I should discontinue my meds and wait for nature to run its course. I know that you all have been through this or are going through similar stories so I ask for your help please.

Titchy and Chelle, I think we were in the 2ww together and I am so very sad for you and everyone else in this thread.

My heart is breaking and and I can't stop crying, I am walking around in a daze unable to decide what to do with myself.
The last almost 12 weeks have been tough as we lost the first twin very early, and there has been concern about the second one, but there was always a thread of hope as there was a heartbeat albeit a tiny embryo, but finally "button" has given up the fight ..... goodbye little one.

We have a review booked for the end of Sept and hope to try again in 3 months.

I send lots of love to you all,
Nicole xxxxx

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

Oh Nicole I am so so sorry to hear what has happened. It is terrible that so many of us on that thread got BFPs only for them to end in such tragedy.
I so wish I could take away this pain for you I really do. Theres not anything I can say to make it feel any better and it will take so much time but you WILL get thru this although you will never forget your little angels. Im sure button did his/her very best to hold on but it just wasnt meant to be.
I really hope you get some sort of comfort from this thread, I know I do even tho we dont post loads. At first I found I was posting all over the place but now I am fed up with my sadness, does that make sense? I would much prefer to concentrate on my loss by helping you and others in anyway I can. Im not saying I am over losing 'Bernard' by any stretch of the imagination and TBH am still struggling daily but I know I will get thru it and come out a better person.

We are all here for you Nicole. Take care and most importantly take time.

Love Chelle xx

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

HI

I hope you are all feeling well. Kerry, Titchy, Adele and Nicky sorry I havent been around, not felt like posting.

How are you all OK.

Like I said to Nicole I am still struggling but somethings are getting easier.

Take care, Love Chelle x

Brandy · 16 Jun 2009

Hi Chelle,
Thank you for responding, I was feeling so alone ..... but it helps knowing that there are caring people out there who know exactly what I am going through.
My DH has been fantastic but he is at work now and although I know I can always call him, I really don't want to upset him at work.
I am just waiting for the miscarriage to begin, it is the worst knowing that "button" remains inside me but lifeless, how can one move on knowing that ? I hope it happens quickly .... at least then I can begin to heal.

Love to all of you strong ladies,
Nicole xx

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

Oh sweety you are not alone, we are here for you and I'm sure once the others read your post they will all be offering support. It is hard being on your own when DH is at work, I had that also. Try and find little things to do or things you can do out of the house. You dont want to cut yourself off from people as it will make it harder to go out. I know I did it for a very short while and cut myself off from all my friends with children and am only just feeling strong enough to get back intouch slowly.
Are you off work? I have only just gone back and with the 2ww I had about 2 months off. It was hard going back but Im glad I did. My work have been fantastic so that helps.

I will keep logging on during this afternoon so if you need me I will be here

xxxx

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Brandy, I do remember you from our thread. We spoke before when we were hoping to get bfp. I am so sorry you have had to join us on here. And you nearly got to 12 weeks, how cruel life seems for us. I lost twins too at an ealier stage, they never found hbs at 8 week scan. Were yours identical?
Mine weren't. Doctor says genetic tests after my d and c suggests no reason chromsomally why it happened. The pain is unbearable and i knwo you will be feeling it too. My DH thinks I should go on anti depressants but I don't want to if I can avoid it. I do realsie how much pain infertility has been bringing me over the past years though. Chelle and the others on here have been really supportive. I am going way tomorrow but will log in when I'm back, Chelle is right, we all need each other. Do take care. I am also on fertility friends losses website, searching for answers..........
xxxx

Brandy · 16 Jun 2009

Hi Titchy,
Thank you for answering ... I am so sorry for your outcome too. I hope that getting away may help you relax and avoid anti depressants. A holiday is always good. Try to have a good time.
It must be hard not knowing why it happened ... I am just assuming because of my age that my embies were abnormal. We are going to go for CGH next time to screen for abnormal eggs. But it may not have been the reason, who knows ?
I hope you don't mind me asking, but did you have a D&C because you never miscarried natrually or was it your choice. I was advised against a D&C, but the waiting is killing me knowing that my dead baby is still inside me ?!
I never had identical twins, I had 2 Blastocyst transferred so I think that those were the twins. I lost the first one really early about 4 days after OTD.
Take care and rest on your hols,
Nicole x

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Hi Brandy
After some consideration, I wnated a d and c. I had waited naturally for a couple of weeks but it felt awful having them inside me and the phyiscal symptoms of pg were still there. I was also scared of what could be with a mc and wanted the gentic test that can come with a d and c, this may be helpful to you? Why have they advised natural mc? Let us know what you decide and look afer yourself, it is a tough journey we are all on.
I too had blasts, I am so sorry we both lost them. Our little baby angels xxxx

nicknacknoo · 04 May 2009

Hi Titchy, Chelle & Nicole,

What can I say. It feels me with such sadness to hear your news Brandy.
I followed your story. I do find it hard sometimes coming on here as it upsets me so much. I think it helps more though!! You are not alone, you will be in my prayers. I wish for us all the answers were easier. What went wrong etc etc.
Take care Brandy - BIG HUGS xx

Titchy - Hope you are keeping ok, I know how you are feeling too hon. Its interesting you mention anti-depressents, have you taken them before. I haven't but have considered. I really am determined to get through life without them. I do believe they can level out how you feel, but the reality is still there!! I have found this bulletin board helps. There is also counselling availalble for ladies like us. I can find out info if anyone wants.

We are all doing really well, the biggest & bravest thing you are all doing is talking about it. We are all going through such traumatic experiences. yes we are making the choices. But we all want to be mummy's, this comes to other women so easily.

tiredmum3 - thanks for sharing your experiences, good luck with cycle 3 in Nov x

Kerry - Hope you are keeping ok x

We are all grieving, this is the most stressful thing to go through in your life.

Sorry if i am rambling ladies, I guess I am trying to say "It is perfectly understandable to feel how you feel, be gentle with yourself & never too hard on yourself, we are all very brave ladies"

Chelle - Hope you are ok hon, Same as you, some things feel easier. I am coping with this recent MC, but the reality is I am not over the loss of my twin boys.
I hope returning to work is going ok for you. It is hard, good to be back too. I find too much time on my own makes me brood. None of us are blocking things out as we come on here. But normal routines, I think are good for us. Love it when I have a good day.

Take care ladies, be kind to yourselves. take each day as it comes.

Thinking of you all
Nicky xxxxx

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Thank you for your kind message Nick nack Noo, you are right. Grieving is a process and we can help each other. We are not alone. I too think normal routines are good, as it is when I am on my own I brood. I have had a god night tonight, packing and trying clothes on, for tomorrow's holiday. Husband and I have talked in depth and finally he is coming onto my page - about getting immunity testing done by a specialsit - before we go through next tx. Hope you are ok, take care and speak to you and all else when I return next week xxx

Brandy · 16 Jun 2009

Hi Everyone,
Thank you so much for all being there and sending such words of strength ... It really helps.

I can't sleep again, I just keep thinking about everything, wishing and hoping for the miscarriage to start, I would be 12 weeks today, how horrible to know that today would be the day that I could start telling people I was pregnant, but now all I can do is wait to miscarry my little button. I am crying all the time.

If I decided I wanted a D&C do I just go to my GP ?? I am not sure I can really wait any longer .... the consultant I saw at CARE advised me to wait and let it happen natrually, but I am not sure I can.

Titchy, I hope you have a really good rest on your holiday. Take care. xx
Chelle and Nicky, thank you for talking to me. xx

Take care,
Nicole xx

nicknacknoo · 04 May 2009

Morning Ladies,
Just a quick post before I go to work.

Brandy - I hope you got some rest. Re D & C, I don't know the answer to this. Don't hesitate to ring your Dr for advice or maybe even try your Early pregnancy unit. My thoughts are with you.

Titchy - Have a great holiday, enjoy the time with your DH. Re immune testing. I had all of mine done with NHS, this saved us £800. So do enquire. For me, I am doing this to rule things in or out.

Well I am counting down the days. Roll on fri, I will then have two weeks off.

Love to you all x

Nicky x

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

To my sweetheart

Im missing you so much sweetie, its not getting any easier. I think of you all the time.

I wish you were here so much. I hope you arent scared, I so want to be with you to give you a cuddle. My biggest fear is that you are scared and alone. I cry about that every day and night. Im hoping you have found your nannans and grandads because I know they will look after you.

I am finding this so hard without you. I dont understand why you couldnt stay with us. You are so wanted.

I love you baby, I know you are with me always and I will always be here for you.

mummy xx

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

Nicole how are you doing? Im thinking of you hunni. Hope you arent too bad.

Love Chelle xx

Brandy · 16 Jun 2009

Dearest Chelle,
I too am thinking of you and your loss and your grief.
Our grieving, however long it takes, will heal our wounds and, in time, our pain will subside. We will be OK, with the support of our falily, friends and this thread we will all get through this very, very real and tough journey.

My miscarriage started yesterday, the backpain and cramping with some bleeding, I was almost relieved for the physical pain to try and justify the emotional pain. I cried all day.

I hope you are feeling a little better today, big hugs and lots of love sweetie,
Love, Nicole xx

Brandy · 16 Jun 2009

Hi All,
I hope you are all well, Titchy I hope you are having a good rest on your Hols.
I have had a really bad couple of days, the whole thing was awful, but I feel much better now and hope to start my healing now. Obviously the bleeding will continue for a while but it is nothing like the "peak".

I am relieved as I can now focus on myself and my DH again, we can get healthy and ready for a new cycle. I am reading Dr. Alan Beers book " Is your Body Baby Friendly", has anyone else read it on this thread, I assume some of you have as you have talked about Immune Bloods etc.
I am not sure if I qualify as I have only had one miscarriage which I assume is due to a Chromosomal Abnormality, however, that would be the easy answer with no proof.
It is something I will definately talk about at my review.

I am going to try and leave the house today, I have been avoiding it for 3 days now, but I feel the need to feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair .... xx

Take care all of you and lots of love and hugs,
Thanks for listening.
Nicole xxxx

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Hi Brandy, well done on getting through the last two weeks. When is your rveiew? Mine is Sept 30th, i don't think mine was caused by chromosomal, we had tests done. I think it may have been hormonal.,
I hope you, Chelle, nick Nack and evereyone lse on here is feeling a bit stronger. My holiday was peaceful and helped a lot but still have many 'moments' where I feel like I'm cracking
xx

Brandy · 16 Jun 2009

Hi There,

Titchy, I am glad you had a good rest, yes, I too have my 'moments', but mostly I feel better, I am sure we will continue to have tender days, we lost something we were so excited and so looking forward to, it is normal to continue to feel that loss for a long time.

My review is also on the 30th of September !! Are you at Nottingham ? Mine is at 11:30am ? We may very well be in the waiting room together ?!

I had a scan about a week ago showing that I still had retained products and I just needed to wait it out, which I have done and now I believe everything is gone, I have another scan on Thurs just to check. I find it very hard having the scans as it is in the same place where I first saw my "Buttons" heartbeat and we were so happy, so going back to see nothing is very painful. Will be glad when it is over.

Chelle and Nicky, I hope you are both doing OK. Nicky, did you have a good time off ?
Everyone else, I hope you too are well.

Lots of love and strength to us all,
Nicole xx

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Nicole mine is that afternoon. I wonder now whether you were the person I met in the waiting room, did you have e/c 3rd June?

I also find going into the hospital disconcerting, had to go in for counselling, same place which was hard. Am not having counselling now for a long while, she thinks I have made progress, which I suppose I have in a strange sort of way.

Good luck with your review is it with Mr H?

xxx