CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Hi Hutchy
Nope, don't know what to do to move on - today was another bad day. The morning was bad and the nativity play was bad too. Bad because I was so sad when the children were singing about babies, I was blubbing to the extent that the headteacher came and comforted me in front of everyone (she knows what has happened). Luckily, one of my daughter's friends mum lost one of her children aged 10 weeks old so she was with me and came back to mine afterwards to talk about things. It brought it all back to her too so we were both wrecks. Glad to hear you are feeling better today after your argument. I know money is a worry, I still have a massive credit card bill for the IVF to pay off after Xmas and have nothing to show for it but a heartful of pain and distress, but you will manage financially. Money is of course, important but it is only "things" and you will manage to make savings. Your health is the most important thing and you can't get good health back unless you look after yourself properly now - both spiritually, emotionally and physically. Money can always be earned. Easy for me to say when i am worrying myself sick about the credit card bill.....plus the 11,000 quid that was stolen fraudulently a couple fo weeks ago....
I have been very lucky with the support I have had from healthcare professionals, people have been so kind and generous with their time. It does help with that feeling of your life being at a standstill and that you feel you are going over and over the same things whilst life goes on for others.....

Becky, once again another lady comes onto the forum and explains their sad story which is once again, heartbreaking. I am so sorry. It does help knowing that you do recover a bit.

My daughter said to me after the nativity "I saw you crying MUmmy, why were you crying?" and I explained that she was singing about babies whilst our baby was in heaven instead of being in Mummy's tummy and that was why I was so sad. All teh children were so cute I couldn't help it. It was very very hard and I'm back to the beginning again I am sorry to say.

xxxxx

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Rosemummy

I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you today, it is so hard to hold your emotions back when you are going through what we are. It was very nice of the headteacher to comfort you like that... I hope talking with the other women has helped you as I suppose talking to somebody face to face who has experienced this has got to help... A friend of mine lost her little boy at age 5 a couple of weeks ago and it was a couple of weeks before christmas too, but I don't get to see her that often as she lives quite a way from me, so I only have this BB to talk to people going through the same...

I hope you wake up in the morning and feel better, sending you a big ((((hug))))....

Hutchy xx

Robbo2 · 14 Mar 2007

Hi Rosemummy/Hutchy

I will reply to your posts but will probably be tomorrow as it;s quite late and I have a million and one things to do having just got back from hols. I just wanted to post my e-mail address: so that you can contact me off line if you both want to. Let me know when you have it and I'll remove it from the board.

Take care

Robbo x

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Rosemummy - How are you feeling today, I have been thinking about you getting the test results back regarding the sex of your other twin, I hope they where able to let you know.

((Hugs))

Hutchy xx

Robbo2 · 14 Mar 2007

Hi Rosemummy & Hutchy

Rosemummy - I hope you are feeling a little better today - I have e-mailed you also. I'm sure your mum means well and that she is just trying to help. I remember having similar conversations with my mum and it is frustrating becuase one of the main things is that I don't think anyone that hasn't gone through IVF can appreciate how it works. Another thing to hit us was when we had our second little boy he was born really ill and in SCBU for a month and I remember some of the frustrating conversations I had with both my mum and dad at that time to the point that I was quite agressive at one point in the hospital corrider - it now makes me want to cry for the way I snapped as they were only trying to comfort their little girl as I was trying to comfort my little one. Try not to be too hard on her - grit your teeth, smile and answer with one word answers - or literally change the subject Smile

!

How did your results go by the way?

Hutchy - hope your feeling a little better today. Your picture of Archie is a lovely keepsake. I'm sad to say that I haven't seen my 1st little boy as I just couldn't bring myself to see or hold him as it seemed to make everything more real - which sounds really silly now but it was my way of coping with things and we were in a different situation to you also. We have pictures in our files which I asked them to take in case when my grief had worn off I wanted to see them - I still haven't summoned up the courage as yet but maybe one day.

Well best be off.

Speak soon.

Robbo xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

I found out that our other twin was a little boy, so we would have had one of each. Apparently he didn't have any abnormalities - how very sad that the one that died naturally didn't have the problem that caused us to be in this situation. I came home last night and was beside myself (again) becuase now I am grieving for that twin all over again. We now have to think of a name and now there is also no excuse not to get on with the funeral which has opened up all these emotions again because this is the next stage of the process which I really really don't want to face. We also have to tell our little one all over again which is a disaster.
I can't believe that I feel like this all over again and I will have to start thinking about practical things. I was going to have a friend over this morning but i have cancelled as I really can't face it to be honest. We will need to tell our family, they don't know yet. I rang my Mum and she told me, ever so sensitively, that girls are stronger than boys.....can you believe it....like that's relevant??? I did go nuts at her I must say.

Hutchy, you OK today?

Robbo, I'll email you later. You should try to look at the pics when you feel ready. You will get some comfort I'm sure and also you will feel the love wash over you when you see that little baby - it will be tinged with sadness of course but I bet you will be glad. I am glad that I have pics of my little Rose, they make me feel profoundly sad but it brings back the cuddle we gave her.

Speak later
Rosemummy

Wenna · 12 Nov 2008

Hi Hutchy/Rosemummy,

Hutchy i'm sorry you're worried about money i know its hard not to as its something that obviously we all need. But i agree with Rosemummy you and your health is priceless there's nothing more important than you being able to cope before going back, as you won't do yourself any favours sweetie. I know i was very lucky in that my work paid me full pay the entire time i was off work which was unbelievably kind and not something they needed to do but as they'd all known about what it had taken for us to get pg & then to have the ending we did they were fantastic to me. I hope you manage to sort something so you can go back in March like you'd prefer to so long as you're feeling it up to it then too.
How are doing? Sorry your dh did the phone thing i know what you mean though i don't get their need tohave the best phone thats out at the time, definitely a man thing i think?!? Hope you're doing ok and your chat has helped some.

Rosemummy, you were very brave going to the nativity i went to the Christmas Rose service on Sunday that SANDS do each year and the minute the carol started about babies i started crying and didn't stop until the end of the service. I hope talking to the other lady has helped you some. You found out i saw about your other twin i'm sorry hun that you're in the position now of arranging your babies funeral and thinking of a name for your little boy, sending you ((hugs)) wishing there was more could do for you and Hutchy to help you through this. It's lovely that you have your pictures too i know i love to look at mine of Madison & Jessica too and although it always makes me feel heartbroken at my loss i have the overwhelming sense of love and pride for my girls too.

Sending you both ((hugs)) and hoping your days are as gentle as possible for you.

Love Wen xxx

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Rosemummy - I am so glad you got to find out about the other twin, but I think even if the other twin wasn't healthy it would have still brought back all the memories as like you say you now have to arrange the funeral and in a way it is closure on your babies but the hurt and memories will never go away... As Robbo said, try not to be too hard on your mum, she is probably trying to make you feel better but not knowing her words are not a comfort for you... I remember when my waters broke, my mum and my sister where telling me stories of women who had perfectly healthy babies with no water, which was difficult to accept when Dr's where telling me that Archie would not survive.....

Wenna - I have always been a worrier over money and I like to have savings for 'a rainy day' and I would save any spare money we had but DH would rather spend it!!! I work for the NHS and I am entitled to 6 months full pay but I was off last year with a miscarriage and I was off for approx 9 weeks in August as I was in hospital with OHSS... Everyone at work knows about our situation but the NHS have policies!!!!

Robbo - I remember before Archie was delivered we where asked if we wanted to hold him or if we wanted him to be taken away, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to hold him as I never though we would be able to, I thought they would just take him away... We asked if we could take our own photos and was told we could and the midwife also took some for us along with his hand and footprints.... Its good to know that you have the photos on your file for when you are ready as there will probably be a time when you want to look..

We had our appt today with the consultant and basically my bloods where normal and it doesn't sound like I have an incompetent cervix, it doesn't sound like there is a reason why it happened, he said that it could have possibly been an underlying infection that irritated my cervix, but he wants to see my maternity notes to see what is in them, so we will be going back in January when he has got all my notes.... We will be having our first counselling session on Tuesday, so will see how that goes.... I am having a good day today, but that could all change tomorrow as I feel guilty now for feeling ok!!!!

Hutchy xx

Wenna · 12 Nov 2008

Oh Hutchy please don't feel guilty for feeling ok i know you will do but try not too, Archie wouldn't want you to feel bad for feeling more positive. I wish the hospital were able to give you a reason sometimes but then i don't know if knowing would be any better either....I to have been given no reason as to why i went into prem labour just "one of those things" was the answer i got!?!?

Hope the counselling goes well for you, i found it helped me i was able to say what was thinking/feeling without hurting anyone as didn't like to always tell dh or family as they were hurting to so felt like had to watch what i said sometime iykwim... So i hope you find some comfort from the counselling and it helps you. NHS they do love their policies!! Sounds like ur dh is just like mine, any "spare" money burns a hole in his pocket till he's spent it then he thinks about what it could've been used for?!?

Wen xxx

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Rosemummy - How are you feeling today, I hope you are having a couple of good days to get you through although I know you are probably busy planning the funeral, just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you....

Wenna - I know I shouldn't feel guilty for having a good day but I really can't help it, I feel like I am not allowed to laugh or even smile as I don't want people to think that I have forgotten what has happened (as if I ever will!!!)... I hope the counselling helps, although I don't know what to expect...

I had the shock of my life this morning as I have seen my job advertised!!!!! it has been advertised on a fixed term basis until the end of March.... It really upset me when I saw it as nobody has spoken to me to see when I am planning on going back, I have only given them a sick note for 4 weeks which will take me to the beginning of January!!!! What if I go back before the end of March, will I not have my desk to go back to, I feel pushed out of my own bloody job!!!! This really set me back today....

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Hutchy
They may need an extra person to give you some support when you come back to work....try and feel positive about it as you may go back phased return. I agree, they should have spoken to you but perhaps they didn;'t want to bother you and they can't force you out as that would be illegal. I'm glad youa re feeling a bit better. Sorry you haven't been given a reason for what has happened, I don't know which is worse but either way it doesn't turn the clock back or make it any easier. I suppose if there is nothing wrong tehre would be no reason that you couldn't try again and be successful and now you know that you can get pregnant.........these are all things to discuss at the counselling sessions.

I feel guilty too if I have a better patch. Our duaghter had a little Xmas performance today at her drama school thing - she had a solo song to sing and I actually did smile (and cry...) and then I felt guilty but it meant the world to her that I was there and enjoyed her being the cutest reindeer in the world.....
I am still sleeping badly - get to sleep OK but wake up early hours and can't get back to sleep. It looks like the funeral will be Xmas week which is also devastating. Can't think about it without sobbing my heart out (again). Don't know how I will get through that. My duaghter has drawn a picture of me, her, Daddy and the two twins with angel wings in the sky. That will go in our memory book and she took ages to draw it - she smiled when we told her that the other twin was a boy, she wanted to know and she said she was glad that we told her.
Well, I'm off. Thank you all for your good wishes, I am thinking of you all too.

Love
Rosemummy

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Rosemummy - I know work have done it for good reasons, it was just such a shock this morning when I looked on NHS Jobs website and saw it and I know my Consultant would have pushed to get somebody in so I am not under pressure to go back too soon. I just wish one of my colleagues would have warned me...... I bet you made youir daughters day being there for her and watching her in her reindeer outfit, she sounds like such a sweetheart drawing that picture and wanting to know about the other twin.....

I hope you get through the funeral ok, I wish I could be there to support you as a mummy who is going through the same thing....

Speak to you soon...

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Hutchy
Are you having a funeral? Or have you had it already? So sad. If you haven't had it / don't know what to do then make sure that you get a director that doesn't charge for their services. We saw one director that wanted £700, then once we told them we were shopping around they said they would work on it.....mmm. just what you want to hear 2 days after you have had a stillbirth.....and then we found a director that didn't charge anything. I think that first director were preying on vulnerability and once I fel up to it I will be writing them an extremely uncomfortable letter. Funeral will be dreadful and we are trying ot decide what to do for Xmas.....jesus we shouldn't be doing this.
We have chosen our songs for the funeral tonight. Can't really believe this is happening to us. What cruelty. What pain. What distress. What awful memories. What awful decisions.

Goodnight.

Love
Rosemummy

PS We have decided on a name for our little boy. Jim. Just Jim. So we have our Rosie and Jim......together forever.

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Rosemummy - We didn't have a funeral for Archie and it is my one biggest regret not that we didn't do it... I never thought that we would be able to as it was classed as a 'miscarriage' and no birth certificate etc.. We where given options after the birth which where a communal cremation at the hospital with a rememberance service in January, a private burial or take him home and bury him in the garden.... After just giving birth we where given so much information we didn't know what to do for the best and the midwife seemed to sway us towards the communal cremation so we went with that.... I feel so guilty now after having a few days for it to all sink in that I have now thought about it and would have wanted a private burial but it is too late now and I feel like I have abandoned him.. I feel so upset that I didn't do it...

I love the names Rosie and Jim, that is so sweet, I bet your little girl loves the names too... What songs have you picked for the funeral?

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

We were given lots of choices but I knew that I wanted a private ceremony, but then we had some time to think about it before the twins were born....not sure that is a good thing...but at least we made the choice that was right for us. You haven't abandoned Archie, you did what you thought was right at the time and that's all you can do. The remembrance service will be a time for you to say the things you want to say to him. There may be a book of remembrance too - ask about that because we are going to make an entry in the hospital chapel's book.

Funeral songs are "I watch the sunrise" by Kathryn Crosweller, Baby Mine by Bette Midler and Brahm's Lullaby played by Julian Lloyd Webber - all on itunes. Maybe on youtube as well if you want to listen. I think it is a good combo - a hymn, a disney song and a classical piece. I love music so it was hard to pick only 3 songs but they reflect my love of music and they are right for us as a family. Not that we should ever have to think of this. I have written a message for my DH to read out and a copy is going into the coffin along with a pic of all three of us. I won't be able to read it out, I know I am going to be destroyed on the day so there's no point even trying to get the words out.

I think Jim is a good name. Simple and reverent. And I think they go well together. My daughter liked the name. She is so sweet.

How are you today?

Rosemummy

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Rosemummy - We where never told about what our options would be beforehand, I only found out the day before that I would have to go through labour as I didn't know!!!! If we had been told at the beginning then we would have had time to think about it and discuss it... There is a rememberance book, we have been given a form to fill in that will go in the book that we can look at at any time...

I don't know the songs you have chosen although I might do if I hear them.... I would be like you, I wouldn't be able to hold myself together during the funeral and definately wouldn't be able to read any messages....

I am feeling quite teary today, I think everything with work has really upset me... we are going to the inlaws for tea today, I don't want to go but DH has already said we would go..... they only live at the back of us so will be able to come back soon..... I keep looking at my photos of Archie which upsets me too.. Our nurse that has looked after us for over 5 years now cried when she saw his pictures as she couldn't get over how big he was...

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

It will be good to go out for a while, change of scenery and all that. I know it will be hard but it may make you feel better. I try and go out for a walk every day otherwise you would go mad and isolate yourself. Don't even worry about work...it's not important at the moment but I understand how things prey on your mind and get amplified in this situation which is very intense. I have been sad today too, what with Christmas carols being played up in my daughter's bedroom, away in a manger etc makes me sad which I think she finds upsetting when I look sad and start to cry. She says that she doesn't want me to cry but I can'thelp it. I sat eating my tea tonight with tears running down my face. I don't think it is a good look....

We'll speak tomorrow
LOve
Rosemummy

Diane2 · 17 Mar 2004

Hi Hutchy and Rosemummy

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. Its been 4 1/2 years since we lost our first daughter to Trisomy 13 (a chromosome condition like downs and we were told incompatable with life) I was 35 weeks pregnant when we found out and my daughter was stillborn at 39 weeks.

Those first few weeks were so hard,I was in such a state of shock. I hope that you find some comfort through speaking to each other. As great as my DH was, it was so great to speak to women who knew exactly what I was going through.

- Rose I cannot believe that they were going to charge for the funeral, our DD's funeral was free and I assumed that all funeral homes would not charge. Glad that you have found one, will be thinking of you on the day.

Take care of yourselves.

Diane x

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Diane2
thanks for your good wishes.

Hutchy are you OK today?

I have had a very bad day so far, have been crying a lot. The funeral is next Monday so I think that this has set it all off again. I have to think about whether I want to carry the coffin, I'm not sure I can do this but it wouldn't be fair on DH if he wanted to do it. I can't even make a decision whether the car should come and pick us up from here. We have more paperwork as well for the cremation of Jim now we have foud out so I have to sign that tomorrow too. I think it is finally hitting home, I am in a state of shcok and pain I can't seem to do anything today, I feel paralysed. I have tried to do some housework but I can't stand it.

My babies, I am so so sorry about what has happened to you. Mummy loves you with all her heart and she thinks about you all the time.

I hope everyone else is feeling a little better today.

Rosemummy

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Hi Rosemummy

I went out for a jog today, although walked more than run as I haven't done any exercise since July when I started my treatment... I then got in the bath and cried, I find it is my escape from everything to lie in a nice warm bath and cry on my own.... I really hope that things start to get a little easier for you after the funeral as you are constantly being reminded of everything at the minute although you will never forget.....

We have our first counselling session tomorrow afternoon, not really looking forward to it as I know it will be upsetting and not sureif it will help or what it involves......

I found this poem that Marshmellow posted on her forum when she lost her little Kitty, I just think it is so true how we are both feeling at the minute, I hope it helps you.....

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realise that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Hutchy
I like that poem. You are brave going for a run. Did it make you feel better? I hope the counselling session goes OK. It will be hard and upsetting but it is the nature of the subject that is bound to be difficult. It will help I'm sure. I really had a very dreadful day yesterday, I really was so so upset and sad, it was like it was happening all over again. I am sorry to say that I drank too much wine last night and now I wish I hadn't. The chaplain is coming over tonight to discuss the service. I am not looking forward to it. I also found out yesterday that one of my friends is dying which doesn't help. I will try and go to see him as it is the right thing to do. All in all it was a bit of a shocker yesterday. The bereavement midwife has been to see me today, she has helped me and I don't feel quite so bad today, though I find that this changes in a heartbeat.

Well, I'll post again later. Thinking of you. Let me know how the session went.

Rosemummy x

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Rosemummy - Not sure if my run made me feel better, as I tend to think too much when I am on my own and started to feel myself getting upset when I was walking, I was hoping the endorphins would kick in and make me feel a bit better, my legs are sore today though!!!

The counselling session today was more of an introduction and whether it is right for us and what we are expecting from it... I had to briefly explain what happened so I got upset at this point.. DH is not that interested in counselling but thought It would be beneficial for me, we have our next appt on 18th Jan which DH will come to but may not come to others....

I hope it goes ok with the chaplain tonight and is more comforting than upsetting for you... I haven't had any alcohol yet, I find that it doesn't feel right to drink yet a I should still be pregnant IYKWIM...

I can't believe you have more bad news to deal with about your friend as if you haven't got enough to deal with...

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Hutchy
At least if your legs are sore you know it will have done you some good...i don;'t think men like counselling and things like that, so i am not surprised but at least he is supporting you which is what you need. are you doing the sessions through CARE?
I have felt a little better today, only a few tears after lunch. I have had a few people popping in to see how I am which is nice. Unexpected visits too...from colleagues in the community setting which is also very nice to know that they are thinking of you.

I have such bad indigestion that won't go away, the midwife reckons it is anxiety related. If it hasn't gone by the time I see the GP next I will mention it.....

My duaghter is playing up, I shouldn't complain but she knows the chaplain is coming and she won't go to sleep...she is saying that she can't sleep becuase she is so sad about the babies....but i know she is playing up - one minute she is "crying" the next she is asking me which way round a 5 is written. But I can't say that she is making it up.....

well, i'll let you know how it goes with the chaplain.

Night night
Rosemummy xx

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Hi Rosemummy
The counselling is through the infertility clinic at the hospital as we have been NHS funded....

That was really nice of your colleagues to pop and see you, it makes it feel like you haven't been forgotten about..

I went into work today which was good, I spoke to my manager who was really good and she said she really admires me for everything I have been through and how strong I am, I don't want to have to be the strong one all the time though... She told me I should pop in on a weekly basis as everyone misses me and it won't feel too bad when I do go back to work.. I told her that I wouldn't be in through January but I would see how I feel after that....

How are you feeling today?? how did it go with the chaplain??

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Hutchy
It is nice that work are being supportive. You must feel a bit reassured now about your job?

The meeting with the chaplain was OK. My DH was crying just talking about the funeral, it was so very heartbreaking. I have written a letter to be read out at the service and DH doesn't know if he will be able to do it...he said he would try but couldn't guarantee that the words would come out. This morning I have written a letter to them on the back of a photo of hte three of us, I am crying as a write this. It is to go into the coffin and I need to take it to the undertakers today. OUr duaghter wrote them a letter to go into the coffin too. It said I love you Jim and Rose. Mummy keeps crying. We are sad. Lots and lots and lots and lots of love daughter (your big sister). How sad. We have also put a copy of e picture that she drew in there with all of us smiling and the two of them as angels in the sky....it is so nice but also so so so sad. I'm not having a good day today I don't think. The day draws in closer when we have to finally say goodbye and i can hardly bear it. Our poor babies.

I'm going to have to go, I can't see the screen or keyboard properly because of my tears.

xxx