CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

alibluebell · 24 Oct 2007

Wenna and everyone - hello - and sending you ALL love and strength and happiness for 2010. I realy hope this year brings you all your dreams - you so deserve it..

As for me - well I am so sorry I have not been on the Boards much. I returned to work in Sept and life is busy. That's a bad board buddy excuse I am NOT proud of, but I do read and try and keep up with you and I can see you are all doing a fantastic job supporting each other. Also I did not feel right posting around Christmas as you were all being so brave and strong in the face of a very difficult time. And there is me with my 3 children....

I just hope I can be an inspiration to you to NEVER to give up hope!

Wenna - keep reading the Secret and remember all the positive messages. You'll get your dream honey - and your darling girls will be watching over the baby/ies.......forever.

You are all such brave ladies x

I am thinking of you all and sorry no personals this time Sad

Ali
x

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Well ladies
I am feeling very very down today. Got to go into town and give our donations in and I know this will be awful....but worse than that, I am picking up the ashes today too. I have this massive lump in my throat that won't go away and I can't stop crying. I slept for about 2.5 hours last night, couldn't sleep so mnay questions going round in my head about the future, about the past about how sad I feel. STupidly, I watched Eastenders last night and there was Stacey Slater feeling the baby in her tummy....it just totally set me off even though I know it isn't real. I have to start back at work soon, I thought I was ready but now I don't think I am, I feel so low and for the first time in a while I cried myself to (semi) sleep last night and cried first thing this morning when I woke up...I definitely feel worse if I am tired and I really am today. My Dh was working until midnight last night, he knows that wind sme up (always has done) and he promised me he wouldn't do it anymore but he has....he also doesn't want to go through this again...which has taken away my hope.....he says that he will do FET but not another fresh cycle...we always agreed we would only have one cycle...but I think I was assuming we would have a neg result....now we know we can do it, until we get a BFN I want to carry on.......

I'm sorry I've rambled on.

Rosemummy

Though it is warm in the house so that's one plus point I suppose...

nicknacknoo · 04 May 2009

Hi ladies,

Rosemummy - I am sorry you are feeling so very down today. I hope everything went ok when you went into town. This must have been very hard to do. It is so understandable with everything you are going through, I am sending you a really big hug. When you were going into town, I am sure you were feeling like the whole world around you, the people you pass & see haven't got a clue the pain you are going through right now. No-one should have to go through this. We are all here for you & hopefully can offer you some comfort. Understand re Eastenders, so many things have set me off over this past year. Like you said, you are going to feel worse if you feel tired. I wish I could make things feel better for you.
Do you have to return to work soon? If you are able to, do give yourself more time off. I can't say how long, but you have recognised you are not ready yet. I was off for 2 months after the loss of my twin boys. Financially it didn't matter as I get full pay, but felt like I needed to face the world. It was really hard going back, especially seeing everyone who I last saw showing off my bump.
I know how much you want to be pregnant again. Give DH time to come round to what you want with regards to your treatment x

Hutchy - I hope you are ok to & the worst of your AF is starting to pass. I know the emotional pain will be so raw still. I hope your counselling session starts to help you move on a little x Think of you often x

Wenna - Sending lots of baby dust your way. How did your scan go? Hope everything is going ok. You are doing so well Of course you are not replacing Madison & Jessica. You are bound to feel anxious about your treatment. Hang in there with the positive thoughts xx

Robbo - Hope all is good with you & LO. Have you settled back into work ok. I often feel a bit glum returning after the Christmas break. Find it kinda hard to get motivated. I'm sure many people do x

Ali - Good to hear from you. Completely understandable how busy you must be with retuning to work & your LO's, hope they are all doing well x

Well as I said, feeling a bit glum, not really down, but not particularly happy either. Just trying to get on with it ,as you do. Don't have anything to be down with inparticular, just think its my infertility situation. Its been 3 yrs this week since my 1st cycle, (ET), also 3 yrs next week since the loss of my dad. He died suddenly, the week after my transfer. He was a massive support & friend to me. So just guess I am really missing him to, infact I know I am, just typing that has made me cry. Sorry ladies, I don't want to sound depressing. I do think coming on this board & letting out your feelings does bring the tears on. They say it helps to get it all out!!??

I am just focusing on the natural way at the mo & My app with George on 4th Feb.

Well my thoughts are with you all.
Take care everyone, one day at a time xx

Love Nicky xx

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Rosemummy - Are you and your DH not having counselling, just thought it may help your DH to think about treatment again and I also think it may benefit you as well, has your bereavement midwife not mentioned anything about it.... If you are not ready to go back to work then I don't think you should go back, you don't want to go back and then have to go off again if you are not ready...

Nicky - I think this time of year is a really crappy time I hate January, the weather is crap, unmotivated and it seems ages away to pay day!!! It sounds like there are a lot of anniversaries for you as well which is not helping and it must be hard to lose your dad so suddently, my dad died when I was 3 so never really knew him which upsets me.... It is good to get things out on here as we all understand and i think it is easier to type our feelings than speak about them as we don't have the sympathetic stares...

Wenna - Have you had a stimms scan today, I hope everything is progressing nicely and Madison and Jessica are with you all the way, as are we... I am hoping you are going to be the first of our happy starts to 2010.....

I am having another teary day today, I feel I could just cry at the drop of a hat, but keep composing myself in front of DH as I don't want him to see me upset (don't know why though), I am of course putting all this down to AF and hormones!!! We are seeing our consultant on Monday with my maternity notes and I am considering askin him if I can try the dreaded Clomid again and give au naturale a go although not holding out much hope with my one remaining tube!!!!

Love n hugs to you all....
Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

I did write a long message but yet again the broadband connection let me down and it crashed as I posted....
Nicky, I am sorry you too feel a bit fed up. It is understandable when you reach anniversaries especially if you lose a relative so suddenly, one of my friends lost her dad very suddenly to a massive stroke and she still finds it very hard to think of him without feeling such a loss, and that is 5 years ago now. I suppose you just have to think that your babies are up there looking down, while giving their grandad a big cuddle at the same time...i know it doesn't really help but that is all we have.

I am due back to work end of Jan, I could take more time off as pay isn't an issue but I am worried about never going back if I delay for much longer..I have already been off for about 8 weeks all in all....my boss is very supportive and has said that he will be happy if I come into work and work until I feel I need to go home..he just wants me back at work under my terms and keep me there...so he is being very supportive, I have an appointment with the occ health next Monday. It is only about 2 weeks away until I go back and I am dreading it...in between then and now we have a whole stack of appointments to go to and then I will be back at work...

Hutchy, have emailed you separately. I hope you feel a little better now.

Town was a nightmare, I cried all the way to pick up the ashes and all the way back, I cried walking through town to make the donation, cried when I made it, cried all the way back to the car while everyone was just looking at me like I was mad. I was in absolute floods and one unicef woman actually stopped me and asked me if I wanted to make a donation....I am sorry to say that I was a bit rude and said "Do I look like I want to make a donation? I ahve just made a donation to Bluebell Wood with the proceeds following my twins stillbirth" and walked off. I know I shouldn;t have but really some people are so insensitive when it is so bloody obvious that somebody is not in teh right frame of mind..silly cow. I also cried giving the radiator back to the neighbour and cried when my DH phoned me. He doesn't know what to say anymore. Hutchy, I too am "hiding" my emotions, don't know why and don't know if it the right thing to do, I just feel I am going over the same old stuff. I have so much going around in my head but all the questions can't be answered until we go for our review appointments.

I have been crying a lot today. The ashes are on our fireplace, it is a tiny casket...and that is all that is left of my darling babies. Not much to show for it eh? We now need to think about whta to do with them. We think we may scatter them at Rutland Water which is about 70 miles from here (which is the only downside) but at least Rutland Water means something to me, DH and DD and it is so pretty there. Doncaster doesn't have the same emotional connections for us, we don't really consider it home. This wholething almost makes me want to pack it in here, go back to another job in Rutland even if not so well paid as at least I feel at home there....but that is like running away too.

Robbo - how are you?

Wenna, how are you doing too?? Fingers crossed for you...

I can't help but think that this has broken me as a person. I will never be the same again, I will never recover and I will never have the same drive as I once did. I have always been proud to be me, proud to be a strong, practical, supportive, sensible person with a kind word for everybody. I feel a million miles away from that person I can tell you. Today and last night has come a real shock, I did not expect to feel the way I do, I thought I was almost getting there, now I am not so sure. Perhaps a good night's sleep will help....

Sweet dreams all

Rosemummy

Wenna · 12 Nov 2008

Evening ladies,

Sorry not been on sooner i've had a horrible day without really knowing the cause (well i do now i've admitted it to myself) Sorry rambling crazy lady...

I went for the scan this morning and all is looking good got to continue and go for another scan & bloods on Thursday so that's all looking like things are as they should be.

But I was feeling more like crying than anything.... Not helped by when i got into work only 10mins after my official start time the only other person in my office decided today was one of the days where she wasn't going to talk to me and just be curt all morning.... By lunchtime i was fighting off crying every hour or so but i wasn't sure why i felt so bad. I met my friend for coffee and we were chatting away I did my usual trick of smiling and laughing didn't broach fact i felt more like crying. Anyway b4 i bore you all senseless about an hour ago after telling my dh i was fine we watched friends he went to go in the bath and i crumbled.
I haven't cried like that in ages everything i've bottled up came out i was hyperventilating i got so worked up, i managed to make my dh cry i couldn't stop or say what was wrong hearing myself and the noise i was making just made me worse. After half and hour of this and dh rocking me n stroking my hair i told him i was hurting and angry that was back doing this again when i wanted Madison & Jessica why couldn't they have been here, what do we do if this doesn't work, I feel guilty for wanting to try and trying again already, I'm terrified of failing and letting everyone down again.....urgh i felt like my heart was breaking even more telling him!!
But we've been talking and he's been really good i apologised for having been such an evil cow the past couple of days to him as i really haven't been the nicest. Albeit he told me off for not telling him that i was whittling to myself about everything and nothing. It's not that i don't want to be pg or be going through this cycle but just i'm totally terrified of it of getting so close to fall down again i don't know if i can take another kick like that and get up again!?

I'm so so sorry for being down and depressing it's just all kinda snowballed on me today and i now i've cried my heart out once i can't stop from sniffling away still. I miss my girls so so much they were so perfect and i know they're watching over me n dh helping us acheive our dream of their little bro/sis and i'm rambling again i'm sorry!!

Rosemummy i hope today wasn't too hard and i was thinking of you and Rose & Jim. Please don't rush back to work you've said you don't feel ready so maybe it's worth looking at having a bit longer off, giving yourself time to get more ready to be back working when you're upto it. Also maybe after awhile you and dh can talk about your options and look at the future when everythings not quite as raw he might feel differently then. Sending you lots of hugs xx

Nicky not long till you see George hope he works his magic for you too hun, you so deserve it!! Looks like its been a tough day today, hope you're feeling little better for talking sending you lots of hugs too for a brighter 2010.

Hutchy ((hugs)) I hope the af goes away for you soon and that you've managed to have a talk with dh, don't do my trick of letting it build up. Will be thinking of you on Monday and sending you lots of strength for your meeting i hope you get some answers.

Well I'm really sorry i've had such a rant and rambled so long I didn't want to bring everyone down with my worries. Here's to a gentler day tomorrow for all of us we all could do with it, take care all of you

Love Wen xxx

Briony · 06 Apr 2001

Dear Wenna,

Oh my love, I wish I could share some of the burden for you. Don't be hard on yourself, think how hard an IVF cycle can be under the easiest of circumstances, cycling after losing your darling girls is going to be fraught with all sorts of added emotions. And your emotions are not your own at the moment because of all the hormonal interference.

I'm glad you were finally able to talk to your DH and I hope that the crying, whilst really upsetting, also relieves a bit of the pressure? I had counselling during my subsequent cycles after Sam and Ben, strangely getting through the cycle somehow seemed easier having lost them - before a failed cycle felt like the end of the world, after losing them it sort of reset the emotional scale for me and nothing could have been as bad as what had already happened, the worst part was not knowing if I'd ever get the chance to be pregnant again.

I hope you don't mind me posting, I really do remember how hard it is but try to remember that you have been pregnant before, it can work and it will work again. There are bound to be big emotional ups and downs, more so for you than other people going through IVF because of what's gone before, but your little girls are watching you I'm sure and their spirits will be with you through this.

Not sure if I've said anything helpful at all there, but know that I'm thinking of you and have got absolutely everything crossed.

Love Briony

PS Nicky, not long til you see George. If you want to try to arrange another chat/drink just let me know, have been feeling bad that we didn't manage it the first time.

nicknacknoo · 04 May 2009

Hi ladies,
What a difficult day we have all had. All at different stages, but the pain is equally the same. Please give yourself a big hug, because you all deserve it.

Rosemummy & Wenna, I could have written your posts myself.

Rosemary, please give yourself more time before you return to work. Your mental health & physical health are more important than any job. If you are paid, try to stop putting pressure on yourself to return, you sound so much like me. Make that decision for yourself, then try to forget about work for a bit. that can wait honey. It will get better, it really will. You are having to still go through so much, eg what you have had to do today. And now you want to give time to think about where the ashes will lie You really can't be thinking about work too. You are also a mummy to a little girl & there is DH too & a very important person & that's YOU. Please be more gentle on yourself. I know how you feel like a broken person, , after 13 months, I don't feel like a broken person, but a very big part was taken away from me. I feel I will only get that back if I have a child. This journey does at times make you feel like a broken person. I really hope you can find the support from us ladies & those around you x

Tomorrow is another day, I hope it is a brighter one for us all xx

Wenna - You rant whever you need to, you are doing so well. Its understandable how you have been feeling. I was the same last march in prep for FET in April. I think you needed that big cry, glad you let it all out to DH, I cried when I read the details, it so reminded me of me & dh. He is probably feeling anxious too & you are trying to protect him, he sounds like a good man & is able to offer you comfort & you were able to talk a bit too, which is always good. This is such a difficult journey hon You won't be letting anyone down, just try to tell yourself that how you are feeling is part of what you are going through, it is understandable & acceptable behaviour, given the emotional stress that you are really going through That you will come through this. That every day will not feel like this, I think it has alot to do with acceptance, and our situation & experiences are very difficult to accept. BIG HUGS to DH from me x (& you of course)

Briony - thanks for your post, & sharing of your own experience, lovely to hear from you, think of you often.Please don't feel bad about us not getting to meet, I have always known I can make contact again. When we had that contact, I was finding it quite difficult. Didn't even see my closet friends & family for several weeks.
How's Georgeous Hattie, am I right she will be 1 in March, would be lovely to see updated photo x

Sorry no other personals tonight, its getting late, could stay on here longer, but early start.

Tomorrow will be a better day,

Nicky xxx

Robbo2 · 14 Mar 2007

Oh Wenna

Just popped on to see how you were doing. Massive ((((hugs)))). As Briony says I too remember the heartache and the treatments that followed our loss. I'm glad you've had a good off load to DH. I know - and they will too - how badly you wanted your girls. Anyone that has had a cycle of IVF can never doubt anyone's determination to achieve their dream. As Briony has said you have had your beautiful girls and I have everything crossed that this cycle gives them a brother or sister. Stay strong and keep communicating - you will get there. I know at the moment that your worst fear is that you won't get there again but as my nurse said to me don't think that way - it's happened once, you know you can get pregnant and your body now knows what to do. I have everything crossed and double crossed and please keep us updated on how you're doing both in yourself and with the cycle.

Hi Hutchy/Rosemummy - welcome to the thread. I hope your day has been a little better today. Will write more soon as need to sleep - I do this all the time - think I'll just have 5 minutes then an hour and a half later I'm still sat here!

Hi Briony - Hope you are well and have had a good Christmas. Can I ask have you or will you let Hattie have the swine flu jab? I'm just so unsure - even though I've read all the other ladies that have Sad

.

Well best be off

Take care all

Robbo x

Wenna · 12 Nov 2008

Morning ladies,

Briony thank you so much your message made sense to me and thank you for sharing with me, and you can post anytime you want don't feel like you can't!

Nicky, Robbo thank you too for your lovely messages I do feel a bit better today for having let out everything i was worrying about albeit i now look like i went 10 round with Tyson and lost this morning. Poor dh i don't think he quite expected my outburst definitely not how much i was crying, but it had a positive outcome we both know how the other is feeling as i hadn't realised how hard he was finding it all because although its me who's doing the injections, etc he's still going through it just differently. To see him crying made me realise we'd both been keeping quiet about our fears when if we'd talked we'd have seen that they're similar. I'm really lucky he's been so good he's not snapped my head off once whilst i've been acting like a total b***h every night for the past few days, he's just taken it even though he's been worried too.

I know there's the saying "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" well all of us are still standing and we really should be proud of ourselves for that and for the fact we've come out the other side still together and trying everyday to keep going to find our way back to some sense of normality. I'm thankful for having all of you too i don't know what mess i'd be without being able to talk to you all, it helps knowing someone else understands what we're going through.

Here's to today being a better day for all of us, I'm going to make a cuppa tea now and keep my head down so don't scare people with the puffy eyes lol

Love Wen xxx

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Oh Wenna your post made me cry..... what a bitch of the other woman in your office, has she any idea what you have been through, I hate people like that the ignorant cow!!! It sounds like you definately needed a good cry for you to sob so hard and your DH sounds like a huge support for you just like my DH... I know I have not been communicating to DH about my feelings, I think it may come out in our counselling as I think we tend to speak more truthfully to strangers than to each other.... I think all your emotions and fears are very normal as you want this so much and scared that it won't work as I know thats how I feel anyway...... I am glad you are feeling better today despite looking like you went 10 rounds with Tyson!!! Big (((HUGS))) to you.....

We have decided that we might be going away at the end of April when Archie would have been due and my birthday.... DH's best mate lives in Gran Canaria who phoned us last night to invite us over and will only cost us £180 for return flights for us both so bit of a bargain and we haven't seen them for 3 years... Still thinking about it at the minute, but nothing to think about for me as I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year as I should have been celebrating it with a baby.... I think we need something else to focus on and look forward to and then hopefully start FET in May after a relaxing holiday...

I hope everyone is having a better day today, I am still a bit up and down but not as bad as AF is coming to an end now, I think I would feel even better though if the weather was a bit warmer!!

Big Hugs to everyone.....

Hutchy xx

nicknacknoo · 04 May 2009

Hi ladies,

Wenna - I am glad you are feeling a bit better today, have you gone into work? well done if you have. I would have probably not gone, I find this very difficult to do when I have been as upset as you described. Hope you have a nice relaxing evening & big cuddles with DH - take care xx

Hutchy - I hope you & DH can communicate your feelings, it is hard because I think you kind of protect each other. I am sure the counselling will help, give yourself time & try not to put any expectations on how you should be feeling or what you should be discussing. I think going away is a good idea. Don't get me wrong, you won't feel like it, but it will do you more good than harm.
I was due to fly to Spain to see my mum, before getting too big, the day I lost our twin boys. Easyjet were great, they honoured the cost of flights etc without question.
My babies, I thought would arrive early March 2009 (due date difficult with twins) I was also 40 in March. I couldn't have thought of a better present. I decided to go away on for my 40th birthday to see my mum in Spain, the holiday we never got in Nov. At this stage I had already decided to undertake another treatment. I was actually down regging whilst there.
April is a while away, it will give you something to look forward to IYKWIM. You also may have moved on a bit emotionally & see things a little different in 4 months time. I love Gran Canaria. DH & I had our honeymoon in Porta Mogan - take care x

Rosemummy - How are you today ? Thinking of you xx

Robbo, Briony, Ali - Hope you are having a good day x

Well I am working from home today, due to drive to Peterborough which is about 1.5 hrs, been snowing since I got up, don't mind driving in this weather, but thought why??, when I can plan work with colleague over the phone. Flicking between personal stuff eg Washing!! & actual work.

Bye for now
Nicky xxx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Dear All
Firstly Wenna. You sounded so sad, but it also sounds like your outburst of crying probably did you both good. Stress is best kept to one side if you can during the IVF process, it is hard enough anyway. you sound better today though and I have to say that you are one brave brave person and doing so well.

Hutchy, I think you should go away on hols too, it will do you good to get away. Before planning anything for us I want to see the consultants and follow up with CARE so we know what we think we might want to do...timescales etc etc.

Nicky, I know Peterborough well, used to work in the hospital there for 9 years. Wave to them all in there when you go past....how is your day?

Robbo, thank you for your words, you have been so kind to me. Will email you later.

I feel a bit better today, I slept much better last night and my DH came to bed at a reasonable time which always helps (I can't sleep when I know he is working at all hours of the night, I have no problem if he is away overnight or out playing sport or in the pub...only when he is working - it drives me nuts and always has done). I have still had a wobble this morning though, for no reason really. I have to make a dental appointment and last time I was there I was nearly 20 weeks pregnant...he won't know what has happened and how will I deal with that? Stupid reason and stupid to be thinking of it at all really. I was in tears most of the day yesterday so I am vastly improved from then....have taken my DD to the hospital this morning to have her eyes checked - she has a lazy eye and has been wearing a patch for the last 6 weeks - her eye has improved but she still has to wear it...she is a bit disappointed about that I think. It was strange walking into the hospital after such a long time, but I didn't want ot be recognised by anyone I have to say (luckily I wasn't) as I didn't want to have that conversation.

Anyway I will sign off for now, will write some more later.

Love to you all
Rosemummy

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Dear All
Not going to chat for long as need to make the tea...but I went to see my friend's baby today. I was surpised that I didn't cry when I saw her....we talked a lot about how she was doing, how my friend was doing and I made some lunch for us both, it was nice. Then Caroline asked me how I was and that was the end of me!! Blubbing away, she was blubbing away...I told her all about what had happened and she was absolutely sobbing with me...I think it was quite therapeutic as it had been building up between us...she was feeling guilty for having a baby, I was feeling guilty for making her feel bad....but in the end it was OK...I chatted out some of my feelings and she helped me work through some of it and told me what had happened at work when the news was broken, the colleague that read out my statement apparently was in bits as she was reading it....it makes me feel better that others also feel my distress...even though that is a bad thing to make someone feel better...IYKWIM.

How is everyone else today? hutchy? Robbo? Wenna - how are you getting on? Ali? Nicky? I bet I've forgotten someone!

Well, I will pop in later

Love
Rosemummy

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

More bad news for me. Just discovered that on of my friend's Dad's has been found dead in his house - unexpected and no reason for it as yet. Post-mortem due tomorrow. Why oh why does my life not seem to be getting any better??

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Rosemummy - It sounds like your visit went well today with your friend and I bet your friend was glad to see you as well... I know what you mean about people feeling your distress at work as one of my colleagues kept crying when she heard about me.... So so sorry to hear about your friends dad that must have been such an awful shock...

Nicky - I like Gran Canaria too it is the first holiday me and DH went on when we where going out together..... I think we are hoping to book it in a couple of days, but I am having mixed feelings about not being here on Archie's due date, we are due to fly on 23rd April and due date would have been 25th..and my birthday is 27th...

Wenna - how are you feeling today?? hope the stimming is going well for you, have you any date yet for EC??

Hi to Robbo and Ali, hope you are both well...

I am having a better day today although I am feeling quite nervous about our counselling on Monday as I know it will be upsetting... We are getting a visit from DH's HR dept tomorrow which I am not pleased about as they want to make sure he is ok, basically they are just checking up on him as they do it if anybody is off which I think is out of order, plus he is back in work in a week anyway!!!

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Hi All
Can't sleep. Been awake for ages so thought I may as well get up and get a cup of coffee.
Hutchy, glad to hear you are having a better day. Don't feel guilty about the EDD, it will do you good to get away and you can't change what has happened sadly. It will be really great to be relaxed if you are going for a FET cycle soon afterwards and you will be in a better frame of mind. Also, the other thing is that it won't matter where you are, that day will be hard no matter what. Funny, Archie's EDD is my brother's 40th birthday. Rose and Jim's EDD was 31st March, which is around Easter I think, I will take that day off work for definite. In fact, I may even look at a holiday over the Easter Hols (really expensive but we can't go out of school hols) for us as we don't have anything planned this year yet - we went overboard last year what with one things and another and went away 3 times which is all a bit unusual and a bit decadent!

How are you girls? Wenna, hope everything is OK with you, thinking big positive thoughts for you.

Speak soon
Rosemummy

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Hi Girls

Just thought I would bring us back to the front page again as we had drifted to page 2!!!!

Rosemummy - Hope you get some sleep tonight.. We usually go camping in summer (folding camper not a tent) and we had planned to go late August for a week instead of 2 as we where supposed to have a small baby with us so that is going to be hard knowing Archie should be with us on holiday....

How is everyone else today, hope you all had a good day and are doing something nice at the weekend, we have had lots of rain today so all the snow has nearly gone which means I can get out and do a bit of jogging now (oh no!!!), I need to get fit and lose at least a stone now before we go on holiday, we have both been good for a whole 2 days now, but I could really eat some chocolate now!!

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

I have been OK today, but a lady in the supermarket made me cry because eh pointed out one of her colleagues with a small baby girl and siad (amongst other quips) " they don't stay small for long do they?" and that set me off, she was a bit upset I think but i did expalin it wasn't her fault and that it happens all the time....she offered to make me a cup of tea bless her but it wasn't required as I had bought 2 boxes of tissues anyway....

Other than that I have been OK today but i am totally dreading going back to work...

Hope you all have been oK today...Hutchy I feel we haven;t spoken much...maybe I'm feeling a little lonely..I don't know...

Love
Rosemummy

nicknacknoo · 04 May 2009

Hi ladies,

Hope everyone is keeping as well as expected.

Rosemummy - sorry to hear you have had more bad news, with your friend's dad passing away. You did well to go & see your friend & baby. I know how hard it is. I think it is theraputic to be able to talk together & have a good cry. So many of your colleagues will be feeling very upset about your loss, it will be difficult when you go back, but at times it will also help a little a bit. Since ttc there have been 4 babies born within my close network. I am very close to all of these children, enjoy being their Aunty Nicky, even though I am not biologically their Aunt. Have always told myself that it is good for me to spend time with chidren + I love them. Have also worked with children & young people for 20yrs. It has been difficult at times, but I try not to dwell on things too much. I just want a LO of my own to love too.
I hope you are sleeping better & starting to have some better times throughout your day.
Do you have a date for returning to work? Take care x

Hutchy - Have you booked your holiday yet? Try not to feel too anxious about you EDD, I know that is easier said than done. I tried to tell myself that babies often don't arrive on the EDD. Mine definately wouldn't have, being twins. Also they have so so sadly arrived already for us.
The end of April will no doubt be a very sad time for you. It doesn't matter where you are Archie will always be with you. Some nice warm sun & change of scene will hopefully do you the world of good. You'll probably have moments of thinking, I feel happy, then burst into tears because you feel guilty for feeling happy. You might have experienced this already. Its perfectly normal though & part of the grieving process.
Hope your counselling goes well on Mon. Take care x

Wenna - Hope your week is finishing on a happier note than it started. How is the stimming going? - Take care x

Robbo - Hope all is good with you LO x

Hi to Briony & Ali too x

Bye for now
Nicky xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Hi All
Well, I slept a bit better last night which always helps. Added to that, our DD went for a sleepover so we have been home alone this morning. We went to the ballet last night to see Romeo and Juliet - it was really good and I enjoyed thinking about something else for once...though there was the odd moment when what happened to us flitted past my mind. I haven't been to the ballet for ages and ages, so it was great and my DH has never been so he enjoyed it too.

Nicky, no date yet - sick note runs out on 28th Jan so I am working on that really but we will have to see how it goes with occ health tomorrow. I feel so sad that you don't have a baby of your own, and to the other girls on here too. I know I am grateful for the gorgeous DD we do have but it is still very upsetting when people say "be grateful for what you've got" - it isn't about not being grateful it is about that fact that we want her to have a sibling and always have done and it is about the fact that we still have lost our children under such horrid circumstances so it is almost irrelevant that we already have one...if you see what I mean. Does that mean that I should grieve less? does that mean that I should forget about what has happened? Does that mean I shuldn't want another child like any woman would? I know I am lucky compared to those that do not have a baby yet but it doesn't make me feel any less sad....

Hutchy, how are you today? I will be thinking about you tomorrow. I'm sure it will go well and do you some good. I am going to ask about counselling services tomorrow too through occ health and see if they have anything to offer.

Wenna, how's it going?

Robbo - I must email you, I keep forgetting what with one thing and another.

Briony and Ali - how's things your end?

I'll post later, I have a castle hat to make (don't ask) and we have panto rehearsals this afternoon for 5 yes 5 whole hours.

Love
Rosemummy

nicknacknoo · 04 May 2009

Hi everyone,

Rosemummy - Glad you slept better & enjoyed the ballet. It must be very upsetting if people say " Be grateful for what you have". They have no idea how you are feeling as a person or a clue what you have been through. Of course you should want a sibling for your DD & no you should not grieve any less at all. Like you say, you have lost your babies under such horrid circumstances. Your dreams at the moment have been taken away from you, DH & your family. You will come through this honey & be able to look to the future. Like I said before, try not to rush back to work too soon or put too much pressure on yourself - Take care x

Hope everyone else is keeping ok x

DH & I have had a quiet w'end, not been anywhere, other than shopping.
Lots of cleaning too, case of having to when both working all week. Its been fine though.

Bye for now
Nicky xx

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Hi Girls

Rosemummy - I hope you have been thinking about taking a bit more time off work, I think you need to start having more good days together before you go back, or if you want to do something, ask if you could possibly do 1 or 2 days a week to ease yourself back in, I think I will be doing a phased return to work in Feb as it is going to kill me getting up in a morning as we are not out of bed before 10.00am!!! Glad you enjoyed the ballet last night, it probably did you good to do something different together...

Nicky - I love quiet weekends just doing nothing, I love to read gossip mags whilst DH plays on his X=Box... We have been out for a long walk today though, trying to get in shape for our hol to Gran Canaria (not booked it yet but will in a few days) but I am really feeling stiff now though!!

Wenna - How are you doing, hope you are ok, no heard from you for a few days...

We have got a really busy day tomorrow, our counselling is at 9.30am and our consultant appt is 1.15pm so a long wait round till the appt.. I told DH that I am feeling anxious about the counselling as I know I will get upset but he thinks it might be a good thing I'm not too sure as don't want to be a wreck everytime I see counsellor otherwise what would the point be... I am also having my hair highlighted tomorrow night so hope my eyes are not too puffy!!!

Hope everyone else is well and had a good weekend..

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Hi there
A quick post tonight.
Hutchy, I was hoping to go back phased too, but doing shorter days. I don't think going in for a couple of days a week will be much good, the problem will be facing people and sort of stopping and starting will be worse for me I think. I would rather go in every day for as long as I can work and take it from there, that way if I have a bad day I can go home, if I have a good day I can stay...if that makes sense.
I was OK at the rehearsal today, but when I got home I went into this really black mood and turned into a horrible witch. Nothing much really, but my DH hadn't even bothered to think about tea (me and DD got home at 6.30pm and she has school tomorrow), he hadn't moved the cereal bowl he had eaten out of while I'd been out from the living room, the kitchen was a mess even though I had cleaned it on Friday, my DD's bedroom is a mess and the toothfairy had been and left her 2 x £2 coins for two teeth (which was extremely generous) and she has lost one of the £2 coins along with a purse with more money in becuase her room is such a mess...I was just in a really really bad mood. Oh, and my DH had promised he would hoover the whole house yesterday but sat and watched the snooker instead so the house was a tip when he had promised he would help a bit...if he hadn't promised then I wouldn't have been disappointed...!! Now that's all off my chest I feel a little better!

Hutchy, tomorrow will be fine I know it will. It will be hard, no doubt, but they are small steps towards a better goal. ANd just think how gorgeous you will look once you have had your hair done!

Nicky, thanks for the kind words. I'm glad all you girls know how I feel to some extent (though the details are all slightly different). It does help to get it all down on paper I think (well, virtual paper anyway).

Well, I'm off. Hutchy, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, let us all know how you got on and if you get any answers to why Archie was born too early....

LOve
Rosemummy

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Hi All
Hutchy, how has it gone today? Have been thinking of you all day. How is the hair do?

How is everyone else doing?

Today, I have been OK but went to occ health. They have agreed to a phased return, but I think I am going to make an appointment with the Gp to sign me off for another couple of weeks - I have been in contact with a counsellor and have an appointment with her next Tuesday. Occ health have suggested that I go back to work once I have had a couple fo sessions with her so we will see how that goes. Well, it never rains but it pours. I got an email today telling me that one of my friends who I used to do am dram with in Rutland collapsed and died at rehearsals yesterday. She was only in her 50's. No results as to why yet, it just seems that everyone I know is dropping down dead unexpectedly. Have I got a scythe in my hand at the moment? it is devastating news for everyone, her partner was directing their panto which is due to go on next weekend so I don't know what will be happening there - I have got tickets for it but that's the least of their problems.

Well ladies, that's me for now. I am going out for a drink with a colleague tonight, but I am going to drive I think as I don't want to drink anything at the moment, I think I have gone off it (prob overdid it a bit over Xmas). Plus, I am going to my sisters on Wed so no doubt there will be something intoxicating involved there....

Hutchy, let us know how you got on.

Love
Rosemummy