CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

Hi

I don't actually know where I belong on the BB or even if I do belong anymore but I think this is the most appropriate place.
I'm sorry if I ramble, I'm having abit of a tough time at the minute and just need to try and get some thoughts out and see if I or anybody else can make any sense of them.

For tho's who do not know me our history is 3 x IVF/ICSI = BFN. 2 x IVF/ICSI with DE = both BFP's with m/c. Slight immune issues found and medication for this was given on the 2nd TX but still ended in m/c.

Our last m/c was in June 2010 and since then I have been on a rollercoaster. Both me and DH have both agreed that neither of us want to go through anymore IVF. We have come to the end of that road. We looked into surrogacy but TBH we just cannot afford that option.
After our first m/c we looked into adoption but decided that we would try one last TX as I then knew I could get pg. I have broached the adoption subject again but DH is really not very positive about it. He has agreed to go to another open evening as the last one we went to was in 2009 so we feel we need to go to another before we make any other decisions. He has also agreed to speak to a couple who have adopted on a one to one basis. I think I have a friend who might be happy to do this but have not spoke to her about it yet. However I am not positive at all about him coming around to the idea of adoption and I know it is our only option left. Even when I was in my teenage years and long before I met DH or knew we had fertility problems I always thought that I would like to adopt and help a child. Obviousely I am realistic and if my pregnancies had continued I wouldn't be considering adoption but they didn't and I am.

DH is very sceptical of it all. I think he is scared of the adoption process and of us having more rejection. He doesn't think that I would be strong enough to deal with more disappointment and if we were not approved that would finish me. He is also scared of caring for a child and when they were older they turned around and rejected us because we weren't their natural parents.

I am currently in a really low place. I have come to terms with the m/c's and losing our babies but I cannot come to terms with losing the future I had mapped out for us. I am having bereavement counselling and that helped loads with the bereavement I felt about the babies but like I said it's the future I am grieving for.
I don't know where to go from here and what I will do if he decides he really cannot go any further with adoption. We have had our problems over the last month or so and it has come to a point where we had to think if we really should carry on together. We both want and love each other very much but were just hurting each other. We have thankfully agreed that we both want our relationship to work and we are really trying hard to get back to how we were. We have paid a high price for the IVF journey (like so many couples) but I am praying we can get through it. You may say that we are not in a strong enough position to contemplate looking at adoption but I know it would be many months away before we would even consider applying and neither of us would do it if we weren't in the right place as a couple.

Im not sure why I have written all of this down and I don't expect any advise but like I said I don't know where else I should be and I do not know what our 'what next' is.

Thank you for reading
Chelle xx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Hi Chelle

(((HUGS))) hunni.

You have been through so much and have had to come to terms with so many losses, it is not surprising you are feeling low. Getting pg and knowing you can get pg adds to the pain and makes it harder to move on from that dream. I know I felt like that and kept going for another 5 cycles chasing that dream, that carrot dangling just out of reach, it was very hard to stop the ivf rollercoaster but the heartache was also too much to bear anymore.

I wasn't ready for adoption, I didn't know whether it was the right path for me, or us, but we knew we didn't want to live without children. It is scary to start with and as you have already said, you are not in the right place at the moment to start the process, but there is plenty of reading and research you can do. I have a couple of books that I could send you if you're interested, one of them being about Fatherhood which may be good for Dave to read. Email or FB me. Contact some agencies for their upto date info, go to some info evenings and speak to people. All adopted children come with some issues but there are degrees of issues and since the Baby P incident children have been placed in care earlier than previous, reducing some of the issues. However, I wouldn't be without my DS and I think I can safely say all the Angels feel the same about their children.

If you or Dave have any questions ask away, I don't post as much nowadays but I do tend to read regularly and will answer as best I can.

Mel xx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Chelle, if your Dh wants to speak to my DH then he will happily do it. He sounds IDENTICAL!!!

All the same really valid reasons to not do it....I just phoned up LA and the ball started rolling. I knew he wouldn't take the leap of faith and I knew we needed to start walking the path and see where it took us.

When I started to get a bit negative about it all, Dh was the one that kept the process going. He has NEVER looked back!! Little D is the apple of his eye!

Feel free to put your email on here and I will email you his number.

Where are you based?

Elizabeth
xxx

Woo · 28 May 2007

Chelle - hi hun i remember you from my cycling days which ended up with 3 failed ivf/icsi attempts. I know you did suffer from endometriosis and i feel really sad for you and all that you and your partner have been through. I ended up having a hysterectomy 2 years ago - actually 2 years tomorrow!! In the end the endo was so bad and really i had no quality of life.

My DH was a bit unsure of adoption at first - we first approached adoption after our 1st failed ivf. We then decided to go for a 2 and 3rd go at ivf - we then had to wait for me to have my hysterectomy and then 6 months after the operation to proceed again with adoption.

We first met a SW at one agency and then approached a second agency. We then went to an information evening and then picked one of the agencies we liked best. We first started off with a prep group for 6 sessions and then a few months later we had our Home Study which lasted for roughly about 6 months. We then had a date for Panel to decide whether we would make suitable adoptive parents - which we passed!! We have now been approved for over 9 months and have had 3 links and hoping this link will be the lucky one.

You and your DH sound like a strong and very loving couple who have been through so much together and if you can do all of that - i am sure you will survive the adoption process hun. The girls are right go to as many meetings/agencies as you can, speak to people who have been adopted or who have adopted. Get as much information as you can.

It is a bit of a rollcoaster very much like IVF. However, do give yourself a bit of time together as a couple before then and get a nice holiday. Adoption does tend to take over your life a bit - but do make time for each other too. Wink

Wendyx

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

Thank you girls. Im so glad I felt able to post as you have made me feel better.

I got a call from our LA today so have arranged to go to their info evening in May, I am also going to ring some others up. The lady went through some of the process but because DH was a smoker up until a few months ago they have said we would have to wait a year but this rule may change. She has still advised we go to the open evening. I was abit daft really as she asked if we were smokers and I said no as of a few months ago. I should have just said No as we aren't and not elaborated, I suppose it is better to be honest with them though.

Mel I bought a couple of books but he won't read them. Ive been asking him to read them since Oct, he has the fatherhood one too. In his defence he isn't a big book reader but still I would appreciate it if he would atleast try. Thank you for the offer though, I may borrow a couple that I haven't read if thats OK, will pay you postage etc. I have the adoption Diary and the Fatherhood book.Im not sure I have the correct email for you as I emailed you the other day to say hello and if you were OK but don't know if that was the old email address as I know you have changed it last year.

Elizabeth that may be really helpful if you/your DH would be willing to talk to us. My DH isn't abig phone talker so it may be batter by email or something like that, also it may be a few months down the line, I don't want to bombard him with loads of things at once as he has already said he sometimes feels smothered because I always feel as if I need to be looking at our next step/option.
We live in Sheffield and my email is michelle_bingham2000@yahoo.co.uk

Woo Thanks for going through the process you went through. That helps with giving him info on what to expect.

We are bad at communicating with each other and we both bottle things up rather than talk them through and we are trying to be open with our emotions. I know I have to take this slowly because if I rush him he will run a mile. He has been honest and said he can't just tell me what I want to hear because this is something that will affect us and a child for the rest of our lives.
I just pray that I can get through how I am feeling now and whatever happens I can come to terms with perhaps not being a mummy.

Im sure I will be pouring out more soon so thank you

Chelle xx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Chelle, Dh will email sometime next week. I would just put it in front of your Dh and see what happens.

DH is rubbish with talking but last night he said, I will email that guy next week. Sure this is because he doesn't want your DH to miss out. Like I said...little D is the apple of his eye.

I wouldn't look back...little D is the best thing we have ever done. That and do our best to bring up my stepson...even though that went a bit hideous for a while.

I can promise this....there is a need for parents for wonderful amazing children that can't stay with the parents they were born to. Its normal to be scared of getting hurt again but your hurt already aren't you? Its a leap of faith. I still forget that I didn't give birth to little D, its just like he has always been here. Even the other day I was putting my makeup on in the mirror and behind me he was bouncing on my bed. I looked at him, then carrried on and saw our reflection and I said 'Oh my god, you were always coming to Mummy weren't you'. He was my double for that split second.

There are down sides, I do have to consider so many other things and I found it soooo hard to bond at the start but Dh is sure I would have done the same with a birth child.

Pour your heart out any time you want.

Elizabeth
xxx

Woo · 28 May 2007

Chelle - glad you have got an information evening in a couple of months time - will let your DH get slowly used to the idea of adoption and then taking things a step at a time. If you need any advice that i can offer please let me know hun.

Take care
Wendyx

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

Hi Wendy, Elizabeth and Mel.

I am still around and thanks for your last posts. I haven't been able to post this week, I have only logged on at work or my phone and I can't post from either.

Elizabeth if your DH feels comfortable with emailing my DH then Im sure he would appreciate it but I don't want him to if he doesn't want to.

I have had a bad week this week. I just can't seem to move forward at all. Im even thinking about more IVF even though I know its not what I want but Im scared I will regret not trying again for a birth child/baby. It feels that now we are moving forward with perhaps thinking about adoption Im now getting upset with not having a baby or being pg etc even though I was OK with that a few weeks ago.

DH has admitted the main reason he is most reluctant to go for adoption is because they will contact his ex wife. 2 reasons. He doesn't want her knowing our business. She would know we were trying for adoption and then if we don't get accepted she would love that. Also she is very vindictive and there is no relationship between us at all so he knows she would put the boot in. I know SW's come against lying ex's all the time but it still has us worried.
For a long time she messed about with his access with his children, to the extent that he went to court to try and get regular access so atleast we have that but I don't have the relationship I would like to have with them. The main reason is every time we had the kids it would be followed by harrasment and problems from his ex and then me and DH argueing so I ended up associating seeing the children with all the problems we got and I know I took it out on them. I know it is wrong and I did then but I couldn't help it. Don't get me wrong I see his children and I am on speaking terms with them but we just aren't close. Saying that they aren't that close with DH. It doesn't help that they are all teenagers so don't want to come to our's as they dont have friends where we live and also like most teenagers they only ever contact DH when they want something, although DH does phone them atleast everyother day.
We know they have to speak to his ex and the children and that we need to speak to them before we even apply to adopt but its the main thing that is holding DH back. It may seem daft but he is just so concerned that we won't be accepted, especially if his ex is part of that reason.

I feel so sad at the moment. I can honestly say I cannot remember a time when I was truely happy in the last few years. It seems all our married life has been concentrating on TTC and we have not had anytime for us. We are doing this now and lookin to perhaps move also to give us a fresh start but then I worry that if we move and I have to then go part time how would we afford a higher mortgage?.

Im rambling I know and not making any sense. Im sorry I don't know where I am trying to go with this post, just spilling the words out and hopefully some of it will make some sense.

Thanks for reading xx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Hi Chelle

I think you need to give yourselves a break from it all and enjoy some time as a couple before making any decisions about what to do next. We can get so caught up in the TTC that we forget why we are together in the first place and life becomes very limited. During our 9 years of ttc we took a break, I'm not sure we would have been sane if we hadn't, and it gave us chance to be us and regain the strength we needed to carry on our journey.

As for DH's ex and children, I don't think your situation is that different from a lot of people. Step children often blame the woman who 'took' their Dad away added to by any spitefulness by ex wife, regardless of the actual truth. Ex wifes are something SS are very used to and are well aware many could be out just to cause trouble for the ex husband etc. They would be also seeing other referees, they may want to speak to someone who knew DH when he was married to her and still knows him now just so they get a clear picture and can identify areas where an ex could be lying or trying to cause a problem. The best way of tackling all this is to be upfront with SW, if you have willingly given the information first they are less likely to think you are hiding something if Ex comes out with something that doesn't add up. It would take more than a bitter ex wife to stop you from being approved and tbh the initial visit would be a good time to talk through any worries you had and they could give you an honest answer as to whether they would feel there would be any problems.

Your feelings or 'wobbles' are normal and likely to continue for a while though getting less as time goes on and then rearing their head again at times when you least expect them to. More so at the moment as you don't have a clear plan as to which way to go. Take your time and keep talking, things will work out right in the end.

Love
Mel x

wobally · 24 Nov 2008

Hi Chelle

Just wanted to say that my DH and I were in exactly the same position as you two are - I knew I was ready to consider adoption and DH knew that he wasn't and that he may never want to consider it. I too was really scared that we'd end up making different decisions that wouldn't have a compromise. I read lots of books and persuaded him to read one - an adoption diary - which really put him off so that cunning plan back-fired! Confused

We agreed to do nothing and not even talk about it at all for 3 months and it was so nice to be able to relax, go on holiday and feel 'normal' for a change. That 3 months was just enough to give us a break but to know that we still had a plan to start discussing it after 3 months - I was happy as we still had a plan and he was happy as he got some thinking space!! Very Happy

We then had an initial meeting with our local authority and a voluntary agency and asked them loads of questions - including our concerns about the temperamental ex that DH has. I think that really helped.

Even when we first formally applied to be approved, DH was still having doubts but now he's really keen and 100% committed to it.

I hope you've had a peaceful weekend.

With love xx

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

Hi

I just wanted to check in and apologise for disappearing. It wasn't intentional but there was a problem with me logging in.

Anyway I am back and I just wanted to let you know how I was and hope you are all well too.
I have been doing alot of soul searching and can honestly say that I feel so much better. Me and Dave are still talking and although we don't talk infertility everyday or even every week we do talk when there is something on our minds.
We have discussed the info evening we are going to at the end of the month and I have explained about an initial visit so we can discuss the process and if the issues we have would hinder the process and he is really positive about that Surprised

)

I have decided that I need to try to keep away from this board, well perhaps other parts other than this bit. I discussed it with the counsellor a couple of weeks ago and she agreed it may help me move on and then other things have happened that have reinforced that decision so if I don't come on loads that's the reason.

Anyway thanks all for the advise you gave me. It really has helped me over the past few months.

Take care, Chelle xx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Chelle

Its good to hear from you and to hear that Dave is feeling more positive.

Am always on FB and you have my email so even if you don't feel you want to post here, you know where I am.

Love
Mel x

BobbieB · 07 Feb 2008

Chelle - good to hear from you. Do you know you can set up a direct link to What Next in your favourites, that way you can avoid the rest of the BB - that is what I do. Good luck. x

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

Thanks Mel and Bobbie.

I already have it set up to bring me straight here but I had been viewing BB&B mainly as well as here (although I couldn't post I could view) to keep intouch with old friends but I need to keep away I think as it does still upset me sometimes knowing ALOT of the people I have cycled with over the years have children. I don't want that to sound nasty but in reality it does hurt.
Anyway to help me move on I need to leave IVF behind.

We are off for a weekend away so will be nice to have a some us time before the info evening.

Chelle xxx

BobbieB · 07 Feb 2008

Hi again, I totally agree with you and that's what I had to do to move on. It's not nasty it's just how it is, I think most people would understand.

You know, so much of your history is so similar to mine, I have been in a very dark place at times and have a several angel babies up there playing with yours.

Can you believe our daughters have been here for over a year now, the time has gone so fast. The hurt and upset never goes completely and there will be triggers still but I can say that my life is very happy now (ok, I have my "bad days" but that's purely down to having children now, rather than not having them!).

There was a time I thought I'd never have children, now I've got two children and I've heard myself saying "yep, mummy's my name, don't wear it out!" after hearing it for the millionth time!

You'll get there too, I am sure. In the meantime, dip in and out as much or as little as you need to and enjoy your weekend away. Love Dx

Rachel R · 30 Mar 2006

Chelle, I know I haven't posted on here, but that's because I just don't know what to say.
You are in my thoughts regularly.
Love
Rachxxx