CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

After 5 yrs on here I have worked out how to edit....doh!!

Woo let me know when you have number and I will remove.

E
xx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Have taken it off in case you not on today.

If you ask one of the older adoption angels on FB they will give you my mobile number.

Take care lovely

E
xxx

Woo · 28 May 2007

Elizabeth thanks for the offer. Will do that. Thanks very much.

Woox

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Woo, have emailed you hun. xxx

wobally · 24 Nov 2008

Elizabeth - when Woo texts you please could you text her my email address? xx

Woo - I've been thinking about you all day.

I had a great dread that I wouldn't like our LO when we met him - I have friends with children who I really don't like and I have to use great acting skills to pretend to child and parent that I do!

I have struggled with 'liking' our LO. I also struggled with and am still struggling with feelings of 'extreme irritation' at times. I've spent a lot of this week analysing myself Confused

and I think a lot of it for me is about my feelings of fear and feeling out of control - both rational and irrational fear that I'm never going to be a good enough mummy, that I'm not up to the challenge, that he'll hate me and never love me like he did his FC, that he's damaged for life and will grow up to be deeply unhappy and disturbed in some extreme way, that I won't be able to cope with his hurt and distress and behaviour, that I'm doing more damage to him with my rubbish parenting, that I've messed up my stepson by changing our family etc etc etc. I cried to DH this week and said 'I don't like him (LO), he knows I don't like him and he doesn't like me'. I do like him and I do really want to be his mummy but I just felt totally overwhelmed by the huge responsibility of it all and my huge feelings of inadequacy (and we'd had a week of sleepless nights so we were all shattered and grumpy).
I shared my feelings and concerns with my mum and sister, had a lengthy phone conversation with Elizabeth, reread some sections of the parenting/adoption books I had and googled 'tantrums in 3 year olds' and felt so much better because I had some new strategies and ways of looking at the situation and didn't feel so out of my depth. It makes such a positive difference to think you've got options, doesn't it?
We too have a birth child (my step son). He's exceptionally laid back, gentle, easy going, even tempered and was never really defiant. He had the odd tantrum obviously but our new LO says 'no I won't' probably once an hour! Birth son said it about once a week so the difference in parenting the two is massive. I have to force myself not to compare.
It's such a difficult situation, Woo, and such a major decision to make - which may be part of the problem. Maybe there's room to slow things right down and consider a proper support and therapy framework with the SWs and DH and other people in your support network. At least that way you'll be clear about what your options will be if you are struggling and hopefully that will remove any element of panic that might cloud your judgement.
If LO showed tendencies to harm animals in the past are there already any strategies/support in place for this? Is he having help from CAMHS? I too would struggle with that behaviour and would want to know exactly what the options for help were and what the likelihood was of this behaviour changing in the future.
I think social services need to be pulling out all the stops and clearly specifying what support you will have access to.
If you have all the information possible about the strategies, support and therapy available then you'll be able to make a proper decision as a family about whether this LO's behaviours are something that you can all cope with. If you can see past these difficult behaviours then you may see something in LO that you can feel a possible spark with. But without a proper support plan you must feel completely swamped.
I feel like I've waffled unhelpfully now but just really wanted to send lots of love and hugs. Take some deep breaths and give yourself some love, sweetie.
xxxxx

wobally · 24 Nov 2008

Woo - I've just had a text from Elizabeth to say that she can't get online today but could you text her your number and she'll give you a call. Hope you're OK, hun xx

Hope everyone else is doing OK and has had a lovely sunny weekend. It's been cracking here.

I've not had a chance to go back through the other posts properly and I'm away from tomorrow til late Tuesday but will catch up properly later in the week. I'm leaving LO with DH overnight for the first time as I'm off down south for a friend's mum's funeral. DH has sold it to LO as a 'boys' night at home while Mummy has a sleepover at her friend's house' so he's looking forward to it. Fingers crossed...

LO has been so much calmer since he's been feeling better - and I've been so much more patient since I've had more sleep Smile

so we've had a good couple of days. I put on a bit of make-up today for the first time all week and he looked at me adoringly and said 'Mummy, you look really beautiful'. Had to laugh! I must have looked awful all week to get such a positive reaction to a bit of mascara and a swipe of lipstick Very Happy

xxx

Melynsada · 12 Nov 2010

Hi Everyone

Woo - I hope you recieved my text and that today is a better day for you. Thinking about you and big hugs xx

Hope everyone else is ok

Josie I love Psychics and she sounds fantastic did you get her number. I go to a really good one too. I love to hear about stories that have been predicted correctly.

Sorry this is short but just got 5 mins to check up on everyone before I start my lunch duty.

Take care all xx

Woo · 28 May 2007

Thanks guys for your support and comments.

I am feeling the same still no different after another two days with him on Sunday and Monday. No contact today and another meeting with social workers on Wednesday.

I know there will be someone out there for LO that will be his Mummy - I feel for certain that person is not me. I cannot get rid of these feelings when I look at him and my gut instinct is that there is something about him I just cannot take too. He deserves more than that. DH and DD are hurting and I hate to be the cause of that hurt. However, I have to be honest for everyone, LO, DD, DH and myself.

We had two okay days with him and his behaviour is normal for his age - if it was just on behaviour I know that I could deal with this - what I feel is completely different.

Thanks again guys.

Woox

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Arhhh Woo.....you know I am here for you. I thought about it again this afternoon.......before you do anything, check out if you could be grieving for the year you missed. I can empathise but I am not qualified to tell you WHERE the feeling stems from.

Having said that, I know that feeling you describe, you are just being more open than I was. Your situation is your own though, I know that. Everyone needs help for this one, there are no winners I am afraid if it breaks down.

Thinking of all of you. (((HUGS)))

I will try and call later, D's being a little monkey tonight...over tired. If I don't get to speak to you, Good luck for tomorrow. I hope Social services work together on this.

Elizabeth
xxx

josie67 · 02 Oct 2011

Woo, all I can say is that we support you whatever you decide to do xxx

I know this doesn't sound much when woo is having a very difficult time, but I am very upset. Just found out from identichip that my lovely cat died today. She had seen me through all these difficult years so it is a massive loss and I will miss her terribly. Poor little mite.

Xxx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Josie - so sorry to hear about your cat (((HUGS))) I have 2 and am dreading the day I am without them xxx

Woo - hope tomorrow's meeting can bring some decision for you all. Think of you xxx

wobally · 24 Nov 2008

Woo - Sending lots of love to you all, hun xxx

Josie - really sorry to hear your news. I have cats too and know how devastated I was when my first one died. Sending lots of love and hugs to you and your lovely cat xxx

LO is at a jubilee party at nursery this morning. I've got lots of jobs to do as I've been away for a couple of days but instead I'm going to have a nap!!

Hope everyone else is doing OK.

xx

Melynsada · 12 Nov 2010

Hi All

Woo sending you a big hug.

Josie so sorry to hear about your cat it is such an awful thing when your pet dies.

Wobally - hope LO has a nice time at the party and that you enjoyed your nap LOL Laughing

Love to all sorry not done personals to all as in a rush just got 5 mins for lunch and then working again!!!! Sad

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Arhh Josie it is very very sad that your cat died....I will tell you what someone told me when our dog died......'He has made room'. I was sooo sad when she said that but it was true and it made alot of sense. ( after the initial grieving).Our cat died in January and in many ways I think it is the same thing. Both animals had an amazing life with us and us with them so I have no regrets at all and we have their ashes. It might sound funny but we have never agreed where to scatter them but we have done some work on the garden to make a child play area. We are going to scatter them on the earth before the bark chippings go down. It seems appropriate somehow that our wonderful animals spirits will be close to our children while they play.

I spoke to Woo today and she is going to post later. It's tough times at the moment for her. She knows she is in our thoughts though.

Take care all.

I'm off out again tonight.....can't afford it but I guess make the most of it while I can.

Good on you wobally on having a rest.

Elizabeth
xxx

josie67 · 02 Oct 2011

Hi everybody,

Sending hugs to woo. Hope that you were able to come to some decisions for support at your meeting honey. I really respect you for your honesty, but I also agree with Elizabeth that you need to be 100% certain that you don't think it can get better with LO. What a difficult and heartbreaking situation Hun. Xxx

Afm it was confirmed today that our cat was hit by a car. Poor thing. I just pray it was quick for her. I didn't even think that you could get their ashes. I wish I had known that as I love your idea of scattering ashes in familiar places Elizabeth. Thanks everyone for kind comments.

Lots of love

Josie xxx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Josie, if you can't get your lovely cats ashes plant something or buy something for the garden. You could even see if you could get someone to paint a picture from a photo of your cat.

(((HUGS)))

Elizabeth
xxx

Woo · 28 May 2007

Hi guys first Josie I am sorry about your cat hun I know how is feels to lose a pet you love so much and it feels the same as a person - take care of yourself hun. Thinking of you (HUGS).

We had a meeting yesterday with all social workers and foster carers involved. DH, DD and I sat down the night before and had a deep and heartfelt talk about how we should proceed.

We made the decision that given my feelings and to some extent DD's too, it was best for all round to stop intros just now, rather than take a chance 6 months down the line and have LO in our home and it not working out. It was a very hard meeting and one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. Social workers wanted us to have a meeting with LO today to say goodbye and make lots of positive comments. It is to be a short meeting - 10/15 minutes max. His SW will be there and his FC, DH and myself. Too much for DD to do would not want to put her through that too.

Thanks very much guys for all your help/advice/support over the time I have been on these boards, especially the last week or so. It is nice to know that there are people out there who are there for you whatever decision has to be made.

I will post sometime later on this week or next week and let you know how things went.

Hope everyone is well. Take care.

Woox

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

((((HUGS)))) Woo to you and your family. I'll email you hun, I know how hard this has been for you and I am truely sorry but I think you have made the right decision for everyone involved and goven time you will all move on from this and LO will find a forever family.

Mel xxx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Woo you know how I feel, DH said last night that it is VERY BRAVE. He didn't know I had said the same thing to you in the day.

I know that this will be a shock for many people and because my situation did change I more likely than most to say 'Stick in there' but what is right for one isn't for another and I know what this has taken out of all of you.

I will put my cards on the table on this one and say that I am a hundred per cent certain just because it was a good match 12 months ago doesn't mean it is later on. You were not to blame for the delays and if I was your social worker I would keep that at the forefront of my mind. I am confident that if this is still the journey you want to take that your child will be out there and I am sure that this little one, that now has the care order in place, can be moved onto the right family. This family wont have gone through the ordeal you had to for 12 months, guarding your heart in case he was placed back with birth mum and they will approach this unscathed. I honestly think this is what was at the heart of all your feelings.

Take some time now to re form as a family. I know DH is hurting but it would have hurt him more to lose you and honestly there were times I could have run for the hills. There was a lady on BB&B who emailed me her story of PND and the penny dropped and I took it seriously, that was a turning point. 65% of adopters get Post adoption depression.....so more than don't. Scary.

This is the right decision Woo for you and for little one. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. You know where I am.

It's ok, you will be ok. He will be ok.

Elizabeth
xxx

Woo · 28 May 2007

Thanks guys. Means a lot to have such kindness. We had our meeting this morning. LO had been prepared a little before, his SW and FC were there. The meeting lasted 15/20 mins, he was not tearful or had been crying. I think maybe he was taking in what was happening, hard to say. I was told it was best to be upbeat and cheerful. DH found this really hard and cried a few times during the meeting. I said to LO he was a special, wonderful little boy. He was really funny and we loved the time we had shared with him and the great things we had done together. It was very hard. I feel numb. He was okay when we left too just waved from the window. Thanks guys.

Take care
Woox

josie67 · 02 Oct 2011

Hi Woo,

It really sounds like you have taken the right step for your family, and as hard as it must have been for all involved, I reiterate that i really respect you for your honesty with the social workers and everybody involved in this case. Lots of love, Josie xxx

Melynsada · 12 Nov 2010

Oh Woo what can I say. I am sending you and your family a big hug. Take some time its been a very hard year for you and you now need time. xxxx

I hope everyone is ok. I finished my last prep trainign day today and I have finally been allocated a social worker first home visit 18th June!

xx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Sar...congrats on getting a social worker...yay......that's it now.....hold on tight!!!

Elizabeth
xxx

josie67 · 02 Oct 2011

Great news Sar... At last eh! Xxx

Woo · 28 May 2007

Sar - well done hun so excited for you that is not far away.

Hope everyone else is well.

Thanks again for lovely posts.

Woox