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 Posted: Thu Apr 02, 2009 6:18 pm |
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Oh Wenna sweetheart,
My heart is crying out to you, on this day of days. Your darling daughters are at peace honey, and looking down with love on their mummy and daddy. I wish I could stop your pain, or even say the pain will ease, but things will remain so very raw for you I know from sad experience. Remember those hours you had with your daughters, they are so precious. Unfortunately I didn't get that chance but know you fought for them with every breath you had. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a chance to grieve. Be strong for your DH. People will ask about how you are doing but nobody remembers about the girl's daddy and how he is coping. Hold on to each other. You will probably find that you grieve in different ways, with circumstances hitting you at different times, and will go through so many emotions such as anger, guilt, undescribable pain, so much so it seems physically your heart is broken. Your arms will physically ache to hold your little ones again. You aren't going mad though, its a natural reaction. I just wish it wasn't for you sweetheart. It brings it all back to me.
I will say a prayer tonight for your little ones darling. May they be playing in heaven with my sweet little Kitty.
Sending you love and prayers
Alex xx |
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Posted: Thu Apr 02, 2009 8:21 pm |
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Oh Sweetheart,
I just don't know what to say!!!! I'm so so sorry for your tragic loss! Wish i knew what to say to you!!! I do hope you and your DH can stay strong for each other in this awful time!! Life can be so cruel, i do hope you will be ok??? I can't begin to imagine the hurt and pain you and DH are going through!!!
Lots of love
Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx |
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| Wenna |
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| Joined: 12 Nov 2008 |
| Posts: 407 |
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Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 8:02 am |
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Thank-you all for your lovely messages and support we really appreciate it!!!
The funeral went well (as can be) but i can't believe i've buried my precious little ones i'm sorry to sound so.... My dh doesn't talk about things he'll talk about the girls but not about how he's feeling & all i seem to do is cry but then i try not to so as not upset him more or seem like its all me.
I feel like my hearts broken i can't even talk to my family as i feel so guilty like i let everybody down, so i just shut down and don't talk or if i do it's limited answers to questions. i don't want to unload everything to them as they're worried about me enough without me telling them how bad i feel so i keep trying to seem like its all ok i'm coping.
I'm not coping i go to sleep and most times wish i wouldn't have to wake up and remember everything of the past couple of weeks that went so wrong. I want my babies back to be with my babies not sat feeling so empty and lost. I know i should feel lucky i even got to spend the time i did with them and i do truly i do!! Because i know not everyone gets what i got & my heart goes out to anyone in this position.
I went to see them yesterday and tell them how much i miss them and love them i find myself feeling more lost and more alone today i just want to feel them again and i can't stop thinking about them & how much i miss them i feel like i'm sinking & don't know how to fight back and be strong for them to make them proud of their mummy. |
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Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 8:41 am |
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| oh Wenna of course your heart is broken and i feel heartbroken for you too at the loss of your little darling girls you must not feel guilty about it and i think too you need to talk to someone and let go all your feelings ,if you feel you are burdening the family( which you are so not ) can you not see gp or someone who can advise where to go for councelling i am sure others on this board will have better advice about this, of course we are are all here too but feel so helpless that we cannot see you and give you hugs and i too would take the pain away for you if it was in my power, with all of love, janette... |
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Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:16 am |
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Awww Wenna my heart breaks for you too.
Please speak to your GP about Counselling, you need to talk about your girls obviously and if you feel that you can't speak to your DH or family to off load just yet then speak to your GP/Counsellor..... although I am sure that your DH & family do want you to off load to them but don't know what to do/say to you, but holding it all in will be doing you no favours. Maybe in time your DH will feel he needs to speak out too.
And you have certainly not let anyone down, yourself your DH or your family you have two precious little ladies who will be with you always & forever who need you to be strong for yourself and for them.
Please take care and get some help to get through this most difficult & heart wrenching time together.
I am so, so sorry for your losses.
City Chic x x |
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Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:18 am |
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Wenna,
Sweetheart, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You haven't let anyone down.
I agree with Janette - if you can get your GP to refer to someone to whom you can really open up, I'm sure that would be helpful to you. Maybe once you've been a couple of times, you could get DH to go with you too (or on his own to start with?) I don't think it's going to help you to carry on keeping this all to yourself, hun - let it out before you burst.
I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and make it all better.
lol
Reds
xx |
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| helenm |
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| Joined: 24 Nov 2005 |
| Posts: 3348 |
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Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 1:51 pm |
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Wenna
I am heartbroken for you too reading this post. You can unburden yourself as much as want on here but face to face would be so much better. If you go to the GP I am sure that he/she will be able to sort something out for you as there must be bereavement counsellors that can be accessed via the PCT. The GP is definitely the first person to ask.
If you are worried about even going there and explaining, you can write down a bit about how you are not coping very well and you are hoping to get some support through the GP. Write as much or as little as you like. Then you can give that to your GP for him/her to read. They will be used to people doing this and sometimes it can make it easier for you.
Alternatively could you or another family member phone the hospital? You have recently given birth and are still under their care for 6 weeks I think. I would have thought that hospitals have access to bereavement support too.
You can cry all you want to, tears are healing and you will never have to cry those same tears again.
with much love
Helen x |
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_________________
Lots of treatment, lots of cycles, lots of debt, one son |
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| Loui5e |
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| Joined: 21 Oct 2004 |
| Posts: 4121 |
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Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 2:21 pm |
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Oh Wenna my heart is breaking for you, there is no right or wrong way to feel or behave at times like this. You are the best mummy in the world you brought 2 beautiful girls into the world they just were born to soon, you gave them everything they needed when they were inside you and when they needed you most in thier last hours.
Do you have access to the hospital bereavment support worker whether it be a midwife or health visitor?
My heartfelt thoughts are with you and your DH.
Love Louise x |
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| *claire* |
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| Joined: 13 Mar 2001 |
| Posts: 14704 |
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Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:39 am |
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my heart is breaking for you Wenna, please dont feel guilty, you were there for them through and through, you are their mummy, you will ALWAYS be their mummy. you need to see your GP hun, you cant pretend everything is ok, your heart is broken, you're world is upside down, you cant put it right on your own.
please contact SANDS, BORN TOO SOON , or BLISS, and I am sure they will support you hun, everything you are feeling, thinking, going through is normal. I have 2 close friends who have lost their babies, and they both felt so very desperate like you are feeling. your MW and HV should still be in contact too, and should have helped sort out some support for you.
talk to us all you need to hun, its good to talk, please dont bottle anything up. we will try and see you through these dark days the best we can . I just want to reach out and hug you. 
your precious girls were born on my birthday, you chose beautiful names, to lose a child any day of the year is unbearable...... but mothers day life is just so cruel. may your little angels be at rest now, playing with all the angel babies. RIP Madison xx and Jessica xx
claire xx |
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Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 9:57 pm |
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Dear Wenna,
Sending you a huge hug, and my very deepest sympathies for your losses.
Reading your story has brought to the surface some feelings that were buried deep for me. I lost my baby son George at 26 weeks after a rapid labour. He lived for an hour. No cause was diagnosed. That was back in Sep '06, but it still feels like yesterday.
I understand how you are feeling, I felt such a failure, like it was all my fault. My husband didnt actually talk much about it at all, and I felt so alone. The devastation and pain you are going through now will eventually begin to ease though. I found the first anniversary very difficult, and realised then that I needed some counselling. I found the sessions I had didnt actually help me much, as we only talked once about the actual labour and loss, but Im sure others will be better.
Im now 12 weeks pregnant again, and it is difficult. We had a scan today, and although it should be a happy time, Im not going to lie, it is hard. Once you have been scarred by losing a baby, it never leaves you. We had to choose whether to have a cervical stitch or have regular cervical scans today, and the discussions about previous loss are emotive.
I know when I get near to the time of my loss in my pregnancy, I will need a lot of strength, and Im considering counselling again before I get to that point. I hope that you find some good support somewhere.
You are going through the worst of it now, and I promise you that sometime in the future things will start to pick up again.
Lots of love,
Kerry xxx |
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Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 6:45 pm |
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Oh Wenna, you poor poor girl. I am so overwhelmed by your post and send my prayers to your Babies Madison and Jessica and my hopes for you and your DH that you can be strong for each other in different ways and allow your Babies love to heal you.
I just don't have words enough to comfort you but I hope you know that you NEVER have to be brave with the ladies on here, at least here you can lean on us and believe or not one day some one will lean on you. It just seems to be the way.
Each time I read about a mother losing her baby I feel the hurt again for my friend who lost her son. Don't feel guilty for yearning to have more children, you are Mummy and Daddy to two beautiful girls and 10 more children wouldn't replace them. Please speak to some one and let your loved ones carry you until you are ready to walk for yourself again. Your Babies want the best for you.
(((HUGS)))
Elizabeth Hope
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| Wenna |
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| Joined: 12 Nov 2008 |
| Posts: 407 |
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Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 5:21 pm |
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Today is another hurdle down we went and sorted out the headstone & i felt like i was doing ok until they started to ask details of who it was for then i just crumbled. I feel better to know that i have ordered it and it's being sorted out but the sense of reality still isn't there i feel like it's all a bad dream - if only it was
I miss all the little things, not being able to roll over easily in bed and now i can. I still know the exact point i would be at in my pregnancy now which just makes me feel worse because i know its silly to think about it.
Reds you weren't intruding on my other post, but no my midwife has discharged me now they seemed to feel awkward coming to see me. My actual midwife only came once afterwards then i got palmed to other people i haven't seen before & they kept cancelling. A friend from work gave me a website to look at SANDS & i'm going to the doctors to see what they say or recommend. Otherwise i think i'll drive everyone away with my mood swings & drive myself insane with my what if's.
Wen xx |
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| Robbo2 |
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2007 |
| Posts: 1161 |
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Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 11:02 pm |
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Wenna
I haven't posted to you before but having just read your last post - and message to Kerry - just wanted to send a message to try and help. Firstly I have to say how sorry I was to read you post. I have lost a baby too at 21 weeks but under different circumstances as my baby had a chromosome disease - for whatever reason it's totally devistating.
I know from personal experience that once you are no longer pregnant the midwives want very little to do with you. I didn't have much to do with mine anyway as I am diabetic and so most of my care was under the hospital. However I do know that the doctors and nurses that dealt with me during my loss were absolutely brilliant and these are the people you need to talk to now. I've had a quick scan through the messages but can't seem to find out if they have found a reason for your loss - presume it may be to do with needing a cervical stitch as per your msg to Kerry. Whether they have or haven't found a reason they should still be able to answer your questions or pass you on to someone that can. Everything you are going through is totally normal - and yes you drive yourself mad going over and over the same things in your head but not being able to say them to anyone - which is why counselling may help. I too had counselling but as Kerry says it doesn't really do much but it does give you the chance to off load your feelings to someone not quite so close. If you decide you want to go through this route Care offered me the counselling. The pain does get slowly easier - but I still remember my "1st born" as if it was yesterday (2005). I have gone on to have a beautiful boy now 18 months old. The pregnancy was terrifying for me anyway being diabetic alone but with everything added on I have to say I was a nervous wreck - but he was worth every new wrinkle and every additional grey hair I have!
My thoughts are with you and dp and if you want to ask any questions then please feel free - not sure if I'll be able to help but will try. I'm not sure if there is a way to peronal message on this site but there is on fertility friends and I am on there but don't visit much so let me know if you have/want to send anything there.
Take care
Robbo |
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Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 10:25 am |
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Hi Wenna,
Just wanted to say hello, and ask how you are doing today. Have you managed to get to the doctors, or speak to anyone else regarding counselling? I hope my comments saying counselling didnt help me much havent put you off, as Im sure just getting some of the stuff out of your head helps a little.
I just wanted to say Im still thinking of you, and understand some of what you are going through.
Sending my love,
Kerry xxx |
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| Wenna |
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| Joined: 12 Nov 2008 |
| Posts: 407 |
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Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 2:48 pm |
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Hi,
I've been to see my doctor - won't even start on how much he upset me needless to say he was totally useless and i came home feeling worse than i did before i went 
I'm signed off work though as my work didn't want me losing money so said would be best to do it this way and just take the time i need.
I have logged onto the SANDS website and talk to some lovely ladies on there. At the minute i find it easier to write things down than actually speak to someone about how i feel. I still feel numb, some days i hurt like hell others i don't feel anything and feel awful for not feeling anything other than numb, i constantly question myself it's all so surreal and confusing..........
Kerry - Hope you got on ok with your decision to stitch or not too? Thanks for checking in on me & no you haven't put me off counselling. Hope you & bump are well x
Wen
xx |
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Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2009 7:55 am |
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| Wenna im very shocked to see your doctor wasnt much help and hope you find help on the sands website at least you can write down how you feel and you can allways come on here to put what you feel thers allways someone to offer support, have been thinking of you , love and hugs janette... |
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Last edited by janetteph on Mon May 04, 2009 8:01 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:53 am |
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Wenna,
Grrr at your GP!!!! I'm sure there must be some other way - can you contact the hospital? Do you go to church at all - could you talk to your vicar/priest?
Hun - don't feel guilty for the days when you feel nothing. I'm sure it's a perfectly natural way for grieving to happen like this and doesn't mean that you don't 'care' on the days you feel numb. If it helps you at all, please keep posting on here and we'll do our best to lighten your load.
lol
Reds
xx |
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| Robbo2 |
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2007 |
| Posts: 1161 |
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Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:47 pm |
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Hi Wenna
Was just reading your post and peoples replies about your GP. I'm lucky in the fact that mine was brill - even with the amount of time she put me off sick, unfortunately yours doesn't sound as understanding. Is there any other doctor in the practice that you could maybe talk to - possibly a woman who has children of her own - I always find that tends to be a good thing as even if they haven't been through anything like what you're experienceing they at least have a heart for someone in this situation.
If that doesn't help then contact your clinic - I take it it was Care that you were under if you're on this site. I have to say that George at Nottingham and his secretary Nic were absolutely fantastic in my time of need - but then again George is just the best man ever!
The numbness is perfectly normal. I remember as time started to heal that I would get up 1 morning feeling so positive about things - positive that I wanted to try again, that eventually it would work etc etc then an hour later I was back down at rock never wanting to try cos of what might be but wanting to try cos I didn't want to be without children if I could at all help it. I also remember saying to my partner in the very early days that we would try again no matter what it took - donors, surrogates whatever - then in the harsh reality of day you realise that it's not quite as easy to do as it is to say! You'll have all sorts of things whizzing around your head and things will probably feel worse before they start to feel better - just give yourself some time and take care of each other for a while whilst everything is still so raw.
I found that keeping a diary of my feelings actually helped - it makes for some very sad reading now but it's a good way to write out all the hurt - a counsellor actually recommended it to me.
Take care
Robbo x |
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| LornaB |
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| Joined: 22 Dec 2005 |
| Posts: 1127 |
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Posted: Sat May 02, 2009 10:21 pm |
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Wenna, Ive only just seen this and I cant read and not reply although I just dont know what to say. My heart goes to you and your DH. This is so, so cruel and so not fair. Heartbreaking. I cannot even begin to understand what you have/are going through. Your beautiful precious girls Madison and Jessica will be at peace and will be watching over you both. they will hear you say I love you everytime Im sure.
The only thing I can say is my DH's brother and his wife lost twin boys at 21 weeks and they too decided to try again. They were successful so dont give up hope. Your luck is there. You deserve it so much xxxxx I hope the funeral went as well as can be. Thinking of you and your DH so much (((((((big hugs))))))) xxxxxx
Lorna xxxx |
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Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 11:19 am |
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Hi Wenna,
Just wanted to say hello again, and tell you I've not forgotten you. How are you doing? Hope you are ok.
Thinking of you,
Love Kerry xxx |
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| Robbo2 |
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2007 |
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Posted: Mon May 11, 2009 10:10 pm |
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Hi Wenna
Just echoing Kerry and wondering if you're reading and if you're OK?
Robbo xx |
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| Wenna |
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| Joined: 12 Nov 2008 |
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Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 9:50 pm |
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Hi Kerry/Robbo, everyone who's sent me lovely messages,
Just wanted to say i'm still here and keep reading, i want to thank you all for your messages and let you know it really does help to talk to you all.
I've been away for a week it had been booked before i was even pg & my family made sure i still went much to my annoyance as i really didn't want to leave Madison & Jessica. (I know sounds silly but its just how i felt like i was leaving them when they were meant to be with me) I was so looking forward to showing off my bump to my great auntie so not having the girls was really hard.
Anyway long story short, i went wasn't too bad tried really hard to hide how i felt but apparently it wasn't missed. My dh said at times it was like i shutdown & didn't even let him in just stayed quiet in my own world. But since being home i feel so much more relaxed and have been to visit the girls which made me feel better.
We've also had a letter through and we go this coming Wednesday to meet with my OB & also the Paeds consultant who looked after Madison and Jessica. And we're going back to CARE Nott's for an appointment after to discuss everything that's happened. So i'm a little worried & sad as if they found a reason and it's my fault i'll feel awful, if they haven't found anything there's no reason for why we've been put through this to lose 2 precious girls who were so loved & sad because that's it there's nothing left to tie back to my having been pg. I know that seems a strange thing to say, let me clarify:
I spent so many months/years taking pg tests when for whatever reason prayed i was late, etc cause was finally pg to only get a neg result. Now i finally got the long awaited pregnant result to lose everything so suddenly & unexplained. And i'm now due a period anytime in the next 2days and have an overwhelming feeling of sadness that af's coming and feeling like such a huge part of me is missing, but feels surreal like it was just a dream.........
I'm sorry i didn't mean to go on and on when i started i didn't intend to off load 
I best get going & wash some of the holiday clothes. Thanks again for checking on me and for all the messages of support you've all been so kind!!
Love Wen xx |
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Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 9:56 pm |
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Wenna,
Please, whatever you do, don't ever apologise for letting everything out. If we knew we could reduce the pain you're going through, we'd all happily shoulder some of it for, hun. So, if it helps you to unburden, that's the very least we can do.
Please remember to ask on Wednesday if there's any counselling available for you & DH as I'm sure it would help you.
Always here for you, sweetie.
lol
Reds
xx |
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 7:56 am |
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| Again i echo what reds has said and i hope you get on alright on wednesday i am sure that it is not your fault these thuings just happen in life and thats just so unfair but often there is no reason, please let us know how it went if you feel you can and i too hope you get some councelling love and hugs janette... |
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 9:16 am |
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Wenna -just wanted to say that i hope wednesday goes ok for you, and you do get some answes - but nothing is your fault. Really thinking of you and your DH and will be loking out for your post after wednesday if you feel you can let us know how it goes.
Love and Hugs CLare xx |
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