CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

To ou little baby Bernard

Today we should have seen you for the first time, we should have been able to see our little baby on our first scan. I should now be grinning like an idiot at your scan photo. That was not the case, it wasnt meant to be.

19 days ago was Fathers day, I was the happiest I have ever been, I was 5 + 3 weeks pregnant. 20 days ago my world fell apart. I lost you.

I will never smell your baby smell, I will never be able to sing you to sleep or soothe you when you are crying or show you off to the world.

I still rub my belly sometimes thinking you are there, then I remember you aren't.

I feel guilty when I smile or laugh, I shouldn't be doing that but everyone keeps telling me I have to pull myself together and move on, they don't know how hard that is.

We would have been brilliant parents. We would have rubbed your knees when you fell down and kissed you better, we would have come to all your sports days and cheered you on, we would have played in the park and had brilliant birthday parties.

I know you are with us. I keep seeing feathers, the first one was when I was in the hospital carpark on the day I lost you and then I have seen one every other day since. It's supposed to be a sign of Angels being with you and I believe that every time I see a feather it's when you are with me.

I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I don't think we will be doing this journey again, I would love to give you a brother or sister and it's hard thinking that I won't.

I have a little box where I have put little memento's of you including the card and present you gave Daddy on Fathers Day, 2 of the roses that Daddy bought me when we find out I was pregnant and I will put this letter I have written to you in there too. I may write you more, mummy will always be here for you.

I love you sweetheart, I miss you with every breath that I take.

Sleep tight, Love Mummy xxx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

I am so very sorry to read your post ((((HUGS))))

Having been there I can understand your pain and no there are no words of comfort. I know its hard but try not to feel guilty for laughing and smiling, your baby wouldn't want you to be feeling that way.

I'm afraid others won't understand, losing a baby is devastating and to have had to go through so much in the first place to get pg just makes it all the more devastating. Take your time, there is no right or wrong way of dealing with your heartbreak, you just have to do what is right for you.

Love
Mel x

gh · 03 Apr 2005

Chelle,

I feel so much for you but I can't think of anything to say which would help at all. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of love.

gh xx

janetteph · 29 Sep 2006

Dear Chelle and Dh so very very saddened to read this i am heartbroken for you both like gh says words are so inadequate at times like this but just want you to know i am thinking of you both at this sad sad time x janette...

Marshmallow · 05 Jun 2006

Chelle and Dave, you are the bravest, loveliest couple I have ever come across and its so so cruel that this has happened my sweetheart. I'm just getting over what happened to us in the last fortnight, and I too have moments when I think our little bean is still with us. You have struck a nerve with me talking about the feathers too. When we were away we saw a totally white dove in Pisa, and I said to Jason I thought it was Kitty coming to say hello, but now I realise it was little bean saying goodbye as I think it was around then that our little one was losing its fight to stay with us.

Stay strong sweetheart. We know we are good parents and one day in the future, we will be rubbing little scraped knees and kissing tears away, but in heaven when we will have our little darlings to hold on to forever.

There isn't any more I can say other than you and Dave don't deserve this tragic outcome. I'm too stubborn to give up the fight just yet but I can perfectly understand your decision. Remember I'm here for you anytime you need me.

Sending you both big hugs

Alex xxx

*MichelleJ* · 28 Mar 2006

Dear Chelle,

I wish I could say something that would bring you some comfort but I can't Crying or Very sad

It seems to me that life often throws such awful things at those who deserve it the least. You are meant to be a Mummy.. please keep believing that. I know it must be incredibly hard to find any faith right now but hopefully your little angel will help guide you and show you the way.

Take time, help each other to gain some strength back and you will find the right path .. whatever that may be.

Thinking of you ((((HUGS))))

Michelle
xxxx

mollycat · 30 Nov 2005

Chelle,

I wish i could help you to stop hurting. Your such a lovely person and as others have said are meant to be a Mummy. Its so unfair the way life is cruel to good decent people.
You have come so far and so deserve your happy ending. Take time to heal and decide your way forward,
Thinking of you and Bernard
C xxx

Wenna · 12 Nov 2008

Chelle,

So very sorry you have found yourself in this position, no mummy should have to deal with this kinda of pain. Sending ((hugs)) to you and Dave and hope that the coming days are gentle on you both.

As for thos saying pull yourself together move on - Stuff them. I'm sorry hun but you take the time you need to deal with everything don't try and be somewhere you're not!! Trust me i'm learning this and learning to take my own advice, it's hard to try not be what others want you to be but in the end you need to be you for you to heal!!

If you ever need to talk i check on here so just message me and i'm so sorry for your loss!!

Love Wen xx

leo · 12 Mar 2009

Chelle my hunny i think about you and dave all the time i just want you to know that, i was filled with lots of tears reading your post becuase i know how much you really wanted baby bernard and i'm not very religious but i do believe baby bernard is in heaven with other babies and watching over you both and one day you will both get the chance to be mummy and daddy again.

Sending you both lots of love and huge (((((((hugs))))))) you know where i am if you want to talk sweetie

Lots Love Leo XXXXX

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

chelle, have been reading your post. we cycled together. I found out today I have had a missed miscarriage (it was twins). Hope you are doing ok and putting your life back together xxx

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

Thank you girls.

I know there are no words to make me feel better but the ones you have written have really really helped. It is good to know I am not going mad with the thoughts I am having and it is 'normal' to feel this way.

Titchy I am so so sorry. it seems so many of us on that thread got BFP's only to have heartache a few weeks later. Like everyone has said to me there is no words I can say to make things better, I wish there was as I would not wish this on my worse enemy never mind lovely people like you that have been thru so much to get pg in the first place. This heartache is so hard, I know. As everyone tells me it will take time to get thru this, I am still having more bad days than good but the good are increasing slightly. I am here if you need to talk, moan, scream, shout or just want to cry. If you want my email or phone number let me know, even if its a few weeks down the line. Everybody has been so good to me I just want to try and help in anyway I can.

Take care Chelle x

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Thank you Chelle, I am so scared about the future. Everything was centred around this baby and the last three weeks since June 21st were the happiest of my life. It's thrown everything into question, I feel like giving my job up, moving away. My dh is going to be abroad for the next week and I'm soscared. I've got to take these dam pessaries for a week just so the hospital can be 100% and then scan me again, although they all said they were sorry and there is only a very very remote chance (far lress than one percent it was a mistake) and they wuld find a beat at this stage. Even if they did the emby hasn't grwon for wo weeks. I just wnat to get the embies out. I've got to await a misscarriage and don't know what to expect, unsure if there will be lots of blood/flesh because it's twins. Not knwoing what to do with it when it arrives, where I'll be etc etc.. In short, life feels like hell.

Thank you Chelle and others for your wishes and offers to talk. It is good to know there are people out there who understand. I am glad the pain is easing a tiny amount, if only very slightly, with the time that is passing. Hopefully we can all help each other stay strong
xxx
Thank s CHelle for your offers to talk,it is good to know you and others are out there, and I'm glad the pain has

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Thank you Chelle, I am so scared about the future. Everything was centred around this baby and the last three weeks since June 21st were the happiest of my life. It's thrown everything into question, I feel like giving my job up, moving away. My dh is going to be abroad for the next week and I'm soscared. I've got to take these dam pessaries for a week just so the hospital can be 100% and then scan me again, although they all said they were sorry and there is only a very very remote chance (far lress than one percent it was a mistake) and they wuld find a beat at this stage. Even if they did the emby hasn't grwon for wo weeks. I just wnat to get the embies out. I've got to await a misscarriage and don't know what to expect, unsure if there will be lots of blood/flesh because it's twins. Not knwoing what to do with it when it arrives, where I'll be etc etc.. In short, life feels like hell.

Thank you Chelle and others for your wishes and offers to talk. It is good to know there are people out there who understand. I am glad the pain is easing a tiny amount, if only very slightly, with the time that is passing. Hopefully we can all help each other stay strong
xxx
Thank s CHelle for your offers to talk,it is good to know you and others are out there, and I'm glad the pain has

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

Titchy

Oh hunni I so feel for you, like you the time between the OTD and the m/c was the happiest week of my life and now I feel as if its been ripped apart.
Im so sorry you are going thru this. Please try not to be scared. Im praying you get a nice suprise next week but if its not to be you WILL get thru it, although it will be hard. I know my emby was younger than yours when I lost it the m/c itself wasnt too bad. I dont know if you will be the same but I bled for a week and had a few clots but not too bad. I m/c on the monday, bled all day, then stopped and started again wednesday night and carried on for a week. It was heavier than a period and kind of go heavier upto the sat/sun when it was very heavy and subsided and stopped. I have ovulated since so think my cycle is back to normal. Sorry if thats TMI but I wanted to try and put your mind at rest incase you have to go thru it.

Let me know when you have it then I will remove it. You dont have to use it, you probably wont feel like talking yet. I know I didnt but I want you to have it for next week while your DH is away just incase you need to talk or ask questions (not that I'm an expert but I may be able to help in some way) or even if its a few months down the line and you feel like you want to get in touch.
Im sure there are others on here that will be able to help when you are ready.

Take care hun, I'm sending you a big ((((hug))))

Love Chelle x

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Thank you Chelle, it will be good to get in touch via email. I have copied your addreess down and will send you an email. Thanks for all your help with the miscarriage info, sounds reasuring. I know mine may be diffrent but it's good to know they don't all have to be really bad physically. xxx

wannababy09 · 28 Mar 2009

i know its late but i just cant sleep, chelle will know me from the cycle buddy site, i am currently going through a mc from my first ivf attempt. when we went for our 7 week scan there wasnt anything there, im in a mess i feel so alone, im supposed to be going back to work on monday but just cant face it. ive broke down tonight with my husband and got myself it a state thats why im sat up at this silly hour, i needed someone to talk to and i found this group, i hope you dont mind.
titchy i totally undestand what you mean about this throwing everything into question i feel the same, ive been looking for a new job, discussed moving etc but to be honest i think ive lost me in all this, it was my anniversay last week, ive been married 6 years and to be honest the whole thing has got me down, if someone had said to me on my wedding day that 6 years from now i wouldnt have children and i would be going through another miscarriage six years from now i wouldnt have believed them, i cant believe ive been ttc for 5 years, where has the time gone? where i have i gone??? i feel so lost, i cant remember the person from six years ago. im so scared that in another six years my life wont have moved on. im scared that 6 years from now i wont have the family i so desperatley want, what will i be? im so scared this is it, the horrible emotional rollercoaster of ttc will keep going round and round and i wont get to reach the finish line. why is it so hard? i dont personally know anyone else who have gone through this, all my friends have found having a baby so easy what have i done so wrong? why me? why any of us?
im so sorry for my unhappy messsage, this is not the way i normally introduce myself im just so low at the moment and dont think anyone understands apart from you lovely ladies, my dh is upstairs asleep he doesnt know what to say so seems to bury his head in the sand and leave me to it, his life just seems to have carried on as normal, i dont think he has realised im struggling so much.
please dont feel that you have to reply to my huge essay i just thank you for letting me get it all down and out of my head, it has helped thankyou and im sorry for going on.
K xx

nicknacknoo · 04 May 2009

Hi wannababy09,

I hope you are feeling better as your day has gone on.
Your post made me cry, I can relate to your pain.
Try to not make too many decisions at the moment, as you are grieving.
I myself am grieving, I am miscarrying too (5 weeks).
You need to have a good cry & let it all out. All of your feelings are totally understandable.

Are you able to take some some off of work? Do you have a friend you can also talk too. I have a supportive network, but I know it can never take the feeling away of feeling so alone. Especially when you see your friends having babies so easily, concieving so easily, no mis-carriages etc etc.

You will find yourself again, give yourself time. This is your first ivf cycle. I don't know your history, but I believe, that many women have a BFP by 2nd 3rd attempt.

My history is TTC for 5 yrs. With assistance from clomid I had BFP (mc 5 weeks), 1 x icsi BFN, 1 x FET BFP (mc 20 weeks twins), 1 Natural Pregnancy (mc 5 weeks).

Each experience has taught me knew things .

I know its hard, but try to hold onto the fact that you DID get pregnant.

I think it is hard for our DH. I often think DH doesn't really understand, but I know he is there for me.
I hope you are able to talk.

I don't really know what to say, to make your situation feel happier, other than, give yourself time to heal. You don't have to make decisions about the rest of your life today. That can wait for when the world feels a brighter & happier place. It will. you are recognising how you feel, & letting it all out, So that is a good thing.

Take care

Nicky xx

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

HI wannababy, I'm sorry you've hada similar experince to me. I can't believe how many of us this has happened to. I am devastated, having experinced being pg to have it all taken away. I keep wondering when did the two embies die, was it the day I felt realy tired and ill and had to lie down etc..Did having two threaten their chances? I know there would have been virtually nothing I could have done. Someone said to me that the DH is watching us bear this sadness, phyiscally and emotionally, I think it must be really really difficult for them too and they can get left out if they don;t talk to others. Hopefully each day will bring us some strength and resolve. Nick nack, your experiences sound terrible and I think you are really brave. How have you been getting through? I don't know how I will manage to drag myself around if I mc again. Have you had some autoimmune tests?I feel like I want everything tested but know the hosp won't do that at this stage.
Good luck everyone
xx
xxx

nicknacknoo · 04 May 2009

Hi Tichy,

Hope you are keeping ok. I was following your story too. Saddened by the outcome.

What can I say. This is what I am going to say to you "If you feel you want to continue & are able to emotionally & financilly, then don't give up giving up hope, find the strength from within. You did get pregnant. For me this has always been a positive. Pregnant 3 times in 4yrs. Miscarrying twins at 20 weeks the others at 5 weeks .
I try so hard to take the positives from this. Don't get me wrong, it is b....y hard, but I think you know inside if you are able to continue.

For me, my relationships are very important to me. The most important being the one with DH, I never forget him in all of this, I am glad that he is sensitive& open, as I am able to see when he needs some TLC too.

I do not want all of this to effect our marriage, as it is such an emotional rollercoaster, I need to know he is in for the ride too & is also able to say at any time if he is having feelings about getting off the ride!! ( We have had our moments, shouted alot at each other 1st time round, but has got easier between us on the journey, just tryed to be honest & care for each other in all this)

I have got through because I have a supportive network of family & friends, & understanding work too, + great DH.

I am going to have the immune tests, just to rule things out. Feel this is now the right next stage. Can get pregnant naturally at 40, also have BFP from FET, & have 5 frosties remaining. If immune all good, then great, if not, will continue to explore.

Titchy, I don't know what your history is, all off our issues are quite unique to themselves. I also find I am learnig more as I carry on the journey. Could you pay privately to have the immune tests done, if this is of concern to you.
I could say so much, sorry If I am rambling, & saying things out of turn. But I feel positive for you. Just as I do Wannababy09, I love this user name. it says it all.

Here's to happier days for all of us xxx

Nicky xx

Nicky xx

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Thank you Nicky. I think you should get the tests done to get a clear picture as you've had some terrible misfortune and then see if you can use your frosties. Will be a quicker cycle if you can.

I am going to ask if I can pay if I can have further tests done too. This mc has been so b*** painful, I'm not sure if I could stand much more. I've been with my dh for 10 years, and never in my life been pg. Tried clomid four months, then iui but cycle abandoned because of over-stimulation, then ivf (round one).

It does put a strain on the marriage, we have been for one Relate session and I'm having counselling as I find it hard to spot the positives at times. And I am usually a really positive person! I think it is anxiety that I may never have children. But I did get pg - you are right - and this is a blessing. I just hope we can repeat it. Hare's to happier days as you say

Wannababy, Alex,gh, wen, mel, leo, how are you all doing?

Chelle it was really good to speak via email, I will send you a reply xxx

nicknacknoo · 04 May 2009

Titchy -

Can completely relate to how you feel. Especially re anxiety.
After failed FET, back to work straight away. Hit me a month later. had 3 weeks off from anxiety. Never experienced these feelings in my life before. Usually confident & outgoing

This journey has definately knocked my confidence. I try to tell myself, that all these feelings are normal to have, because they are. It is a very difficult & brave journey we have chosen. I am sure many ladies will relate to them.

Hang in there. Give yourself time to heal, try not to put pressure on yourself. This time will pass.

Take care, keep in touch.

Hello to all the other ladies x

Nicky x

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Thank you Nicky, it's good we can offer each other this support and to be told the pain will ease is a relief. Every day we take small steps forward, and it's easier knwoing we are not alone in this. Take care
xx

nicknacknoo · 04 May 2009

Hi Titchy,
How are you doing?
I have been thinking of you. Noticed you havn't posted for a while. Mind you I haven't either.
Take care
Nicky x

titchy1 · 10 Mar 2008

Hi Nicky

I'm doing marginally better and taking small steps forward, thank you for asking. Trying to sell the house and having afew days off work so hoping to rest up, and have spent a small fortune on new clothes having not bought any for ages. Actually I'm doing everething I can to cheer myself up a little, but t all feels so superficial really. How are you doing, have you got any farther forwrad with your immune tests? Having 3 mc feels really unfair and I see one was much later too, dreadful news.

This is a desperate journey. Any time I think about it I get really down. Today is the fist day I haven't cried. Am so scared may not get pg again. But we must stay strong, to be a mother is one the finest blessings in the world I reckon. Take care

xxx

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

Hi girls

Sorry I went AWOL, just had a few weeks away from the board to try and clear my head.

I dont know how I am doing, my emotions are all over the place. We went away for a week which was great. I left all my problems, emotions and worries at home, unfortunately I had to come home and they were all here waiting for me.

Not sure what is happening with us. We had a massive row last week but it seems to have cleared the air and got some things out into the open that we had been bottling up individually. Arent men strange (well some of them) they just dont have the emotional needs we do (or I seem to have). DH has dealt with it by not mentioning it incase it upsets me but I want/need to talk about it all. I dont want to forget our baby or that I was a mummy, even only for a week. We are actually getting on better than before the m/c so hopefully this will continue and we are on the right track.
I went to the Care counsellor last week which I think has helped. I have realised the hardest thing I am dealing with is the fact I have nothing left. I have no grave or memorial, nothing to prove it was really here. I have to call the baby IT cos I dont know if it was a boy or a girl. I dont even know if there was one emby or two. Does this make sense?

Like Wannababy said I dont seem to know who I am anymore. This whole IVF journey has been with us for so long that I have lost me and us in it. We are still not sure how to proceed with our future. Its too raw at the minute to make any decisions but at least we are talking about options.

The worst thing at the minute is I would have been 12 weeks on Friday which is a mile stone that I would have loved, being able to tell everyone. Im thinking that I am going to have to overcome alot more over the next 6 months culminating in the due date (which is the day before my SIL wedding so that is going to be so hard) and Im sure there will still be more after that.

Well I went back to work today for the first time. I am having a fazed return and basically this week I am just catching up with people and just getting used to the work enviroment. I know I have cut myself off from all my friends so just being around people is difficult. It wasnt too bad, I thought I was going to have a panic attack this morning walking into the building but I didnt. I only had one wobble also and after 5 mins I was fine again.

Sorry for the long me me me post, just needed to get things off my chest abit. I am so grateful to be able to do that with people who know what I am going thru and not that I am mad!

Titchy thank you for your support, it has really helped, hope I have returned the favour in some way. I will email you later.

Wannababy how are you dealing with things? Hope you are as OK as you can be.

Nicky I have read your posts. I dont know how you have managed to stay sane after what you have been through. You have been so strong for the people on here.

Take care all, Chelle x