CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

Ankles · 17 May 2008

As the title says a friend of mine (from work) gave birth to her first baby this weekend after a trouble free pregancy at 39 weeks. Apparently she went into labour on Thursday evening/friday morning and went into hospital to be sent home again. Not sure what happened next but she went back in for monitoring and they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat.
I was talking to her on Thursday afternoon along with two other collegues and we were laughing saying that she was bound to go into labour that night as it was her last day at work.
I am absolutely gutted for them. This time last year we were at their wedding.
I now am unsure what to do. I weant to get in touch but don't want to intrude. Nor do I want to ignore the fact that they had a beautiful baby yet not sure how to handle things.
Sorry if this post seems contradictory and doesn't make much sense. I keep reliving the conversation we had on thursday and then the conversation when my boss rang to tell me.

Reds(1703) · 20 Sep 2005

A colleague of mine had a similar situation a few years ago, although it was their second baby. His wife had gone for a MW appt at about 35 wks and she couldn't find the HB. They were sent to the hospital for a scan and their baby had died.

Like you, I didn't want to ignore their situation, but was unsure what to do. I got their address and sent them a card with a letter inside expressing my sadness at their loss. I also copied a poem that Marshmallow had posted on here a few months prior. When I saw her some months later at the Christmas party, she thanked me for my card.

Here's the poem:

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realise that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they donâ€™t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

I'm sure your friend will appreciate you making contact and acknowledging their loss.

lol
Reds
xx

jack75 · 22 Jan 2002

Hi

I am afraid this happens all too often. My dear nephew Andrew was born sleeping nearly 18 years ago and 2 friends in the last year have had exactly the same happen at full term.

I am no expert but from my experience, just being there and actually talking helped no end. My SIL found it incredibly difficult that people crossed the road to avoid her - to be fair it is because people dont know how to deal with the situation, they ignore it. We still talk about him now but obviously time does heal but it will never go away and as Reds said a card just saying you are there will help but also be there if she wants to let of tears/anger etc.

Sending you hugs at a difficult time.

Jackie x

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

As the others have said, I wouldn't hide away as hard as it may be and you don't know what to do or say to her. The idea of card would be really nice for her and something she will be able to keep in a memory box. My baby was born at 19 weeks and what hurts the most is nobody talking about it and I was also upset that not many people got me a card to acknowledge what had happened.... If you have her mobile, a text to tell her you are thinking of her is also a nice thing to do.

Just be there for her, especially during the funeral and more so after the funeral when there is that gap of 'what do I do now?' Just keep asking how she is and you will be there for her....

The poem that Reds put on is such a strong poem and it makes me cry everytime I read it...

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

I lost my baby at 22 weeks. I have all the cards and notes that people sent us and I have photos of all the flowers that we were sent. I loved all the flowers. I think a note to say how much you are thinking of her and her family is great. I certainly appreciated it despite the pain and it is something to look back on...and again, offering to talk is also a good thing. I preferred that people said something and ballsed it up than didn't say anything at all. Also, refer to the baby by name not "the baby"....
Lastly, so sorry to hear of such terrible tragedy. it is "funny" but since i lost my Rose my uncle told me he lost his baby at 5 days old, my accountant lost his duaghter a few hours after birth and a mum at school lost her baby at 10 weeks from a heart complaint.....it is far too common but it just isn't really talked about....
Just be there. Oh, the other thing I really appreciated was that a friend from work used to bring us meals that she had made...a lasagne or a stew and that was fab because it was one less thing to worry about - practical help is GOOD!
xxx

Ankles · 17 May 2008

Thank you so much to all of you for replying and sharing your experiences and advice.

I know it can't have been easy. I receieved an email from my friend last night and I am now able to put a name to her beautiful baby. They are holding a funeral service and would like us all to be there wearing bright colours. I imagine the church will be overflowing, things like this should not happen.

I work with children, and a large percentage of them are from abused backgrounds. It makes me cross on a daily basis but I have to bite my tongue and do my best. Stories like my friend's and all of yours on this board make me wonder how such thoroughly lovely and decent people who would make first class parents are denied the chance while some people can breed at will and treat their children worse than you would ever believe.

Much love to you all and thank you again for your advice.

xxx