CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

I'm new to this. I have never been keen on this sort of thing but I think I have to try something. We had our first IVF attempt and were lucky enough to have two embryos implant. At the 13 week scan we were told that the first baby twin had died at around 10 weeks. We were very upset about this but this was the easy bit. The other twin looked really healthy and was kicking around. Obviously, I was anxious about this baby given what had happened to the first twin. AT the 20 week scan, we were told that this remaining twin had something called ventriculomegaly which is where the ventricles in the brain are enlarged. We went to Sheffield to see a fetomaternal consultant and he confirmed that the baby had a severe brain ventriculomegaly and told us there was a 50% chance of severe neurodevelopmental delay. The other 50% he could not tell us what the outcome would be. We decided to have an amniocentesis to try and help us find out why this had occurred. After a long 48 hours the result came back that although my risk was less than 1 in 300, the baby had Down's syndrome as well as the ventriculomegaly. The consultant in Sheffield told us that the chances were 100% that this baby would be severely affected if the baby made it to term at all. We had to take the dreadful decision to terminate the pregnancy. I feel so sad. My heart is broken. We have lost two babies under the most horrendous circumstances. Our beautiful baby Rose was delivered on 23rd November. She was perfect, so tiny and pretty. Just like her big sister that will never meet her. How very sad. I can't see a way forward. Other women that have a stillbirth can see some hope by maybe thinking about getting pregnant again, but it isn't that easy for me is it? I feel so cross that this has happened, what did I ever do to deserve this? I haven't been mean to anyone in my life. The pain and sorrow is devastating and I have to live with the decision to terminate a pregnancy that I so wanted. In fact, now, I want a baby even more than I did before as the sense of loss is so profound. I couldn't subject my baby to a life of pain and misery (if she made it that far) and also how would this have affected my daughter? I know I am perhaps more lucky than some of you because at least I have one child (who would have been 6 by the time Rose was born) but it just seems to heighten my grief as I am trying to hold it together for her. She is so excited about Christmas, I can't stand the thought of it though and have no reason to be jolly. I have never felt despair like it and this is so unlike me. I have never been off work for this amount of time and I can't stand that either but I know I can't go back yet. I am scared that I will sink into a spiral of despair and never be normal again. Every day that I delay trying for another baby to heal my mind, the chances of success get less and less and the risks go up and up and the gap between a new baby and my daughter becomes a yawning cavern. I am so scared and confused and I have all these dreadful feelings all the time. I am in bits, can't even bear to pick my daughter up from school as everything feels so difficult and raw.

Is there any hope? What do I do? I am worried about not being able to have another child but also worried about trying in case this happens again. I could never expose myself to this again. I'm not sure I am strong enough to get through this let alone another attempt. Funeral has not been sorted either so that is yet another spectre hanging over the so-called "festive season". I am trying not to be angry but it is so hard. I want my child(ren) back and I want to hold her in my arms again. My poor poor child, I love her so much and the pain is unbearable.

Anybody got anything to help me? How do I move forward or is it not time to do so yet? How will I know when the time is right?

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Rosemummy

I am so so sorry for what you are going through but I can truly say that I know exactly what you are going through as unfortunately I am also going through the same......

My waters broke at 17 weeks 2 days and was told I was having a miscarriage, however a scan the next morning detected a heartbeat but there was no fluid left round the baby, the Dr's where very negative about what the outcome would be and told me I needed to consider terminating the pregnancy too. However, I couldn't do that as long as the baby was hanging on. A scan a week later still detected a heartbeat and the baby had grown.... I cried throughout this scan as I thought my baby had died..

However, the next day I was taken to hospital as the cord was hanging out of me, I gave birth that night (26th November) to a perfect baby boy who we named Archie... He was so perfect and a lot bigger than we expected but he was born sleeping...

Like you I am really struggling to come to terms with it all but I still have such a longing for another baby that I can hold and be a mummy to... I also work in children's mental health so the thought of going back to work terrifies me.... I also hate the thought of christmas and I hate seeing all the adverts on tv and in every shop, there is no escaping from it...

For us, life has stopped but it continues for everyone else and I hate that.....

As for moving forward I think it will take time for us both and I think you are the best person to answer your own question as to knowing when the time is right to move forward......

I am sorry if I haven't helped you but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with your feelings, just make sure you talk with your hubby/partner and comfort each other....

I hope you feel better soon..

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Thanks Hutchy. I am sorry for your loss too. Your Archie looks lovely. My Rose was beautiful, just like her name.
Do you know why Archie died? We are waiting to see if we can find out what sex the other twin was so we can have a funeral for both of the twins together. Our daughters idea, at the age of 5, how innocent she is. I am cross that everyone is going about their business as usual while my life is shattered. My husband and I are in different places emotionally. I think this must be normal. How can a man be the same when you are the one that have been through the IVF procedure, felt the baby kicking, goen through awful diagnostic tests and gone through a labour that you didn;t really want to go through. Our hands were tied and I feel that the reason I feel so very bad is because of the nasty hideous decision we had to make. What sort of woman terminates their IVF pregnancy? One that has no choice, that's who. But it doesn't make it any easier knowing that you did that to your own poor poor child. Holding her in my arms was the best thing ever, but equally the worst thing ever - how do you reconcile that?
I try not to be angry but I am. The funeral is another spectre hanging over us over the so-called "festive season".

Well, I should really be saying congratulations to you on becoming a mother, even though the outcome wasn't quite what was expected. You should have sweet dreams and we have to have the hope that time has the ability to at least heal some of the pain that we feel.

Goodnight. I'm thinking of you.

x

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Our little Archie died simply because he was born too soon.... I had 14 lots of blood taken from me after I gave birth to see if they can find a reason as to why my waters broke so early... However, I think it was due to an incompetent cervix where basically a cervical stitch would have prevented all of this which really angers me after being under the infertility clinic for 5 years and this was never tested for.... We have been trying to have a baby for 8 years and this was the furthest we had ever got and it still feels unreal, like a bad dream that I can't wake up from....

How sweet of your daughter to come up with the idea of burying the twins together, something she shouldn't have to think about at her age, that is the big sister coming through......

I know what you mean about you and your husband being in different places, as much as me and my DH are very strong together, I feel like I am the one who is hurting the most, I suppose it is harder for them to understand as we experience it all physically as well as emotionally, so it does hit us harder....

Thank you for your congratulations although I don't feel like a mother as I can't do any motherly things without my baby...... Congratulations to you too on your beautiful little girl...

I really hope it gets easier for us soon although I don't think there is any cure for a broken heart...

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

I have been looking at some of the old posts. It sounds like Wenna had a pretty sh*te time of it. I would never ever wish any of this on anyone but it has actually provided me with some comfort knowing I'm not the only person who is hurting so badly. I also have looked at some of the feelings she has had and I feel all of those so at least I am not abnormal. A lot of this is very surreal as i am a senior healthcare professional so I understand a lot of this stuff but it doesn't make it any easier - you turn into a patient and a bereaved mother and the professional stuff goes out of the window. I have to say that there is a lot of stuff about how appalling the NHS care has been - I have to say that my experience with the NHS has been wonderful (considering the circumstances). The consultants have spoken to us with honesty, sensitivity and compassion. They have orgnaised specialist scans and investigations to help us with the decisions, they have supported us and continue to do so. They ring me at home to see how I am. I have access to bereavement midwives who are there to help with all of these practical issues and emotional issues whenever we like. We were treated with dignity and respect during the labour and everybody has been so compassionate and helpful - nothing has been too much trouble and although it hasn't helped with the feelings I have it has made the process a little easier. I have written all my thank yo cards to them today.

I hope that we can continue our dialogue, it is helping me and I hope it is helping you too. I was always a bit sceptical about these types of forums but one of my friends who has been through a different experience encouraged me to try. Her little boy was born with a very severe heart defect and he went into open heart surgery at 48 hours old. He is 3 now and doing really well and she finds that the online support has been excellent and she is as sceptical as me!

I know that you don't feel like a mummy, but you are and in the fullness of time I feel very sure that you (and I) will feel that pride of having a beautiful child. Nothing can destroy or weaken a mothers bond with her child and you will feel comforted by that in due course. AT the moment I sort of have the converse because I have that bond with my daughter but I sort of don't want it in some ways because she is very perceptive and everything is very black and white at her age which is very painful at times. If we were on our own then we could grieve in the way we want But who knows, perhaps she will be my saviour? I suspect so actually. Even the mundane stuff of picking her up from school (which I never did before now as I worked full time) will help me rehabilitate myself no matter how hard that small step seems. Perhaps I do actually have a glimmer of hope.....I almost sound sensible. So bitter sweet.

I am so very sorry for you all. I share your grief.

xx

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Rosemummy

I too cannot fault the NHS during our traumatic time.. Our midwife was absolutely fantastic and nothing was too much for her, she really looked after Archie for us and wrapped him up warm, she also took photos for us and did his hand and footprints for us to keep, I have also sent thank you cards... I am proud of the NHS, they are also my employer.... We are currently waiting an appointment with our consultant to discuss the results of our blood test and my placenta and they said they would also arrange specialist counselling too...

I am more than happy to continue with our dialogue, as it is support for us and I know that you have been sceptical in the past about forums but family and friends do not know what you are going through unless they have been through IVF and then a tragic loss like we have, as much as they offer you support they will never ever understand what you are going through...

I really hope we can be lucky enough again to become a mummy, I have 3 angel babies now and I cannot bear to lose another one...... I am sure your daughter will be there for you to give you lots of cuddles as she will know her mummy is hurting....

Me and Dh have decided that we are going to get matching tattoos on our wrist of Archie's name and date of birth, I just feel it is something that I really want to do...

Hutchy xx

Chelle'n'Dave · 04 Jan 2006

Hi Rosemummy and Hutchy.

I'm sorry to intrude but I just wanted to offer my heartfelt sympathy to you both. I am so sorry to read what has happened to you both. I don't know what you are going through and have only a small understanding of the grief you are feeling as my baby was only 5w + 4d when I lost him ( I hate calling him IT and feel he was a boy) and therefore I can only imagine what it is like to lose a child so late on.
However the grief of a loss of any pregnancy/child and especially an IVF child is so so tragic.

I'm rambling abit here and I'm sorry for that I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your losses and I hope in time you can take comfort in knowing your babies are in the clouds smiling down on you.

Hutchy I hope you remember me from our tx earlier in the year. I was so sad to read about Archie, he looks very handsome hun and Im sure you are very proud to be his mummy.
The tattoo idea is lovely. I have 7 butterflies travelling from my neck down my back. I had them done when I would have been 16/17 weeks pg and that is the time I would have started feeling him and they say it feels like butterflies and thats why I had that done. It's something to always have of our babies.

Rosemummy Im sure your daughter will help you, even if only for the fact that you have to get up in a morning to look after her. I have a dog and he helped me loads because I HAD to get out of bed and get dressed as he needed his walk and looking after. If it wasn't for him then I don't think I would have left the house. It helped because I couldn't lock myself away and I met dog walking friends and talked. In a similiar way you have to do the same thing in taking your daughter to school and keeps us going. Does that make sense?

Well I better go as I've rambled enough, sorry again for gatecrashing.

Much love to you both, Chelle xx

nicc1 · 12 May 2009

Hi, can i just say how sorry i am for your loss.Its hard enough that we have to endure the uncertain road of IVF and what it can bring afterwards.To try and get back to normal....whats that???When??
I have just come out of hospital (yesterday)after having an ectopic pregnancy, having to endure weeks of spotting/bleeding, blood tests, uncertaincy, then to see my baby on scan in the wrong place with a heartbeat,doing well only to have to have him/her taken away.I just wanted someone to pinch me so i could wake up from this nightmare senario that has unfolded around me.The only thing that has made this bearable were all the staff at the hospital who were so caring and professional, especially the surgeon who had to perform this horrible op.To my DS (7) who i am sure is glad he still has a mummy to come home to as it could have been so much worse.my DH who bless him tries to understand, but cannot as they don't have the symptoms of pregnancy to deal with. to all the people on this forum who have gone through similar and some alot worse how comforting it is to know you are not the only one.Now i have this date of 3/12/09 stuck in my mind and the due date which i wished i never looked up to deal with as it comes around next summer.

But we have to carry on don't we,even if we don't feel like it, we have family/friends around us even if we don't want to see them at the moment, we will and we will talk about things, and eventually we will feel a bit better in time, but never forgetting our special babies.God i hope i don't sound like a silly cow trying to make you all feel a bit better, when we all feel like S***!lol Nicc x x x always posted on trying again forum.

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Nicc - So sorry to hear about your ectopic, I again know how you are feeling as I have also experienced an ectopic. Mine ruptured at 8.5 weeks and the NHS really let me down, I was taken into hospital by ambulance due to passing out 5 times, I was diagnosed with a UTI and discharged only to collapse again on my way out!!! I suffered with internal bleeding for over 12 hours before they decided to take me into theatre at midnight.. They ignored my requests for a scan and even fobbed me off when I told them I suspected an ectopic... I hope you are being looked after now that you are home as I remember how swollen I was after my op... glad you got better treatment that I did....

Chelle - Of course I remember you, I have cycled with a lot of fab ladies on this bb... I have been lookin at tattoos today and I am considering having a blue dummy on my wrist now, they are going to design it for me first.... It doesn't matter at what time you lost your baby it hurts just the same, I also lost one last year too at around 7 weeks....

Rosemummy - hope you are ok today...

Hutchy xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

HI Hutchy
Nope, hasn't been a good morning. I used to love putting up the Christmas tree and decorating it - always have done. Today we are due to do it and I can't face it. I am so sad that I will never feel the same way again about this time of year. I feel I have to do it but it is hurting me so badly. Can't explain it. Yesterday my DH said he felt claustrophobic and hardly spoke to me all day so that makes me feel wonderful. Don't know how to get through this. I ahve been signed off work for another 4 weeks. It's my daughters nativity play at school on Wednesday - do I feel like going? No I don't. Do I want to go on my own? No I don't. Can I think of anything worse than this? No I can't. I have to go but it is pergatory.
How's your day?
x

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Hi Rosemummy

I am having a bad day too.. I cried all the way through X-Factor last night and DH just sat and held me, I just feel teary all the time, everytime I think about what happened I just get an aching in my stomach.... I hate it today cause it is really sunny here and I just want it to be dark and miserable just like the way I feel....

I haven't even thought about putting the christmas tree up and don't know if we will this year, it just doesn't seem right for the 2 of us, but you have your little one that you have to carry on for, which must be hard when you are struggling yourself....

I hope your DH is not bottling everything up, you both need to be strong for each other and give each other lots of cuddles.... I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to go to your daughters nativity, I hope you get through it ok...

I have also been signed off work for a further 4 weeks and not sure if I will go back then as one of my colleagues is pregnant, she was 4 weeks ahead of me and we had such a bond together and I don't know if I can work with her at the minute....

I really hope it gets easier for us soon as I can't see a way out of it at the mo.....

Hutchy xx

nicc1 · 12 May 2009

Hi, i felt teary today, especially as soon as i woke up but i just don't want to feel this empty.We are going to get a xmas tree next week, i still have to carry on for my DS who is getting so excited over xmas, he has a school play next week too, which i will be attending, but will be hard.But its easier for me as only a few people have been told,although my MIL is coming to see me today which will be hard.Its when i go back to work, one of our GPs has just had a little girl which is great,my work colleaugues sister has just found out she is expecting, but all that did not matter a while ago, now it does and i just want to go back to work and get on with things and not be negative, but i know a few people will ask me why i was off and i feel sorry for them cos i know i will get mad with their noseyness!!!There is always one person isn't there?? I have an appointment in the new year to discuss what happened with my clinic, and i have 2 frosties left, but of course will be terrified that it will not work, or will and something bad will happen again.......last go ever as i thought i had drawn a line under anymore treatment telling myself i should be greatful that i have DS, but i just can't seem to accept it, i wish i could but its something i will have to deal with sooner rather than later.I hope you both can be strong and get through this period of utter devastation, at least we can come on to here and get our feelings out to people who understand.LOL Nicc x x x

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Well, I cried during strictly last night. Bette Midler was on and she sang a song called "The Rose". This is a song we are considering for Rose's funeral so you can imagine....what are the chances of that happening? Have a listen to it on youtube. So sad. But not as sad as Baby of Mine (Dumbo) - we are having this for definite but it makes me blub as soon as it starts. Funnily enough, I don' feel too bad about other pregnant women - I have a few at work that have just gone off on mat leave and whilst I feel a bit jealous I also feel glad that they will have that marvellous feeling of holding your child in your arms rather than the pain that I am feeling at the moment. You wouldn't wish this pain on anyone and they must feel bad about being pregnant knowing what has happened to you.

As for letting people know why you are off, it is nobody's business but yours. You just say that you were feeling poorly and only tell people if you want to. I have to tell people (not the ins and outs) because everyone knew I was expecting twins, that they were IVF and when they were due. Also my daughter talks to people in her innocence so nothing is private with a 5 year old kid around.

Well, best go. It is so very hard. I'm not sure if my DH is bottling things up but I feel a bit bad at the moment about him.

Chin up all. I'm going to have a G&T while putting on the Xmas lights.

x

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Look at the time. I have been up for hours. Can't sleep. I feel devastated this morning. I was going to go into work and see my boss to hand in my sick note. Can't face it. There's no rush I don't suppose. Somebody from work came round last night and it was a great comfort to me. My DH and I had a good chat last night so I feel a bit better about him now. He is going back to work today, I'm not looking forward to being on my own all day. How will I cope with this? I feel so lonely and so afraid. I can't see a way forward. Everything worries me. People speak of emotional and spiritual pain. I definitely have that. The irony of it is that I work in a palliative care setting and provide some comfort to patients and their families in the run up to their deaths. WHy can't I draw on this advice now? WHy am I unable to help myself? How did I ever make these terrible decisions? I have so many questions but no hope.

janetteph · 29 Sep 2006

rosemummy reading your posts has me weeping for you and your loss, there is nothing i can say that will make it any easier, but i truly wish i could ,i wish i could take away all your pain, life is so cruel at times and you must be finding it really hard at this time of year but take time to grieve dont feel you have got to be brave and carry on as if nothing has happened (only for your little girls sake tho') i hope you can find some small comfort talking to the other girls on here and know you are not the only one, but that doesnt make it any easier what you are going through, my thoughts and prayers are with you at this distressing time and sending you big gentle HUGS with love x janette...

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

I'm listening to Baby Mine, 9 minutes before my beautiful Rose was born 2 weeks ago. I have tears streaming down my face. I am so so heartbroken.

Wenna · 12 Nov 2008

Rosemummy,

I've been reading this thread and i wanted to tell you how very sorry i am for your loss of Rose and her little sister too. I know how much you will be hurting and how everything seems so futile, but i also know that these very dark days do slowly start to lighten and without you even realising this will happen eventually. It doesn't mean that you miss your girls any less or love them any less just that we learn to live with the pain a little more. I still have days where i feel like giving up and crawling into a corner and not coming out again, but with the support of my family and friends and some lovely ladies on here i work through these days and gradually the better days come. By no means will i ever be the person i was before Madison & Jessica, they changed my life completely and me with it but i have found that i now make them my reasons to keep moving forward to keep trying, so that they see their mummy trying to make them proud. I hope that you and your dh are taking comfort from each other and talking, i know how hard it is and how we grieve differently to our dh's. I am happy to talk to you as often or as little as you feel like talking hun please don't think you're alone in how you feel, and i hope you trust me when i say that in time you will slowly start to see a bit more light in your darkness i didn't believe it would happen but it has and its a daily thing that i take each day as it comes some are harder than others but the easier days do slowly increase. Sending you lots of (((hugs))) i wish could wrap my arms around you and tell you how sorry i am but if you need to talk i'm here.

Hutchy,
How are you hun, your picture of Archie is beautiful he's a gorgeous boy!! Don't feel that you need to rush back into work, only go when you know you're able to cope with it. People will understand and your the most important person in this and your dh you both need to do what's best for you not what you feel you ought to be doing. Sending you lots of ((hugs)) i wish could do something to take away the pain you're feeling but what i said to Rosemummy is for you too, i know you're a very strong lady and right now you don't feel it but give yourself time to recover to grieve. I don't want to go on and on just know that i'm here along with everyone else for anything you might need.

Nicc,
I'm sorry for your loss and sending you ((hugs)) to, i hope your meeting with the clinic goes ok. And i understand your need to try again, i don't have a lc but i too wouldn't have thought i could keep trying after what happened but i can't not either. Look after yourself and good luck with the clinic appointment.

Love Wen xxx

nicc1 · 12 May 2009

hi guys, god i think you are all so very very brave, i know you don't feel like it, but i think you are doing extreamly well rosemummy, honestly! I have nothing but praise for you and DH and we are all here to give you as much support as we can, not the same as a real hug, but close.

We have our days like Wen says where you just want to curl up into a ball and shut everything out, i think Wen will be a great help to you as well as us.

I felt sorry for my DS Oliver as i felt i was leaving him out after all the weeks of things going wrong,but he has not got a clue except mummy had a bad tummy, he is at his cousins today after school where he would live if he had the choice! so although its hard family knowing, it helps to have someone close to take the edge off of things, and at least i know Oliver is happy and busy enjoying himself, Oh to be 7 again.

I hope you all continue to talk on here as i think its a godsend on here, and the other forums.Sending lots of love and support.Nicc x x x

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Hi Girls

Sorry I haven't been around for a coupld of days, I have just had a few bad days, I feel like I am feeling worse about things and things are not getting easier... Everytime I think about Archie I burst into tears and I just ache for him... It doesn't help that I fell out with DH yesterday as he has ordered a contract phone that I said we couldn't afford, so we didn't speak all day yesterday except to have an argument, which I hate as it makes me feel really guilty.... I am also still waiting for a hospital appointment to come through to discuss our blood tests to see if there is any explanation as to what happened... I just feel so empty, alone and so unhappy......

Wenna - I know you have been in the place where we are now, I know you will never forget what happened, but how long did it take for you to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel, I just can't see a way out at the minute..

Rosemummy - How are you feeling today, I hope spending some precious time with your darling daughter is of some comfort to you..

Nic - I am sure your DS Oliver will understand more than you think and all he will want is for his mummy to get better, I hope you are healing well..

Hutchy xx

Wenna · 12 Nov 2008

Hi Hutchy,

Your argument with dh i wrote that same post not so long ago, my sister told me that maybe its a mans way of dealing with something. As they like to "do" something and there's nothing they can "do" that makes this or us better, so our dh's did something to not make it better but give them something positive to acheive by getting their phones...iykwim?!? I know its senseless and it really infuriated me, in the end i wrote him a letter explaining how i was feeling as felt like i couldn't say it properly. Hope you and dh are talking again and don't feel too guilty unfortunately we lash out at those closest to us but you come back together.

To answer your question i felt stronger and more able to deal with the outside world in July so i organised a phased return to work from the 13th july. But it had been happening all along in tiny ways i didn't notice but everyone is different there's no real timescale but it will happen for you and don't feel pressured by anything to get there. Some ladies i know aren't back at work yet and they too lost their babies around the same time i lost my girls, its only now they're looking at phasing a return to work. I wish i could tell you a time when it happens but just keep hold of the knowledge that it does you will slowly notice your days improve. You don't forget its just you're learning to live with the pain its part of who we are now, and Archie is with you watching over you.

Right now though its still early days you're very raw still and i remember so well how hard it was for me then, and talking to my dh now about it i didn't realise how hard it was for him to try and help me as i almost shutdown i only spoke if someone asked me something and then it was generally one or two word answers. My arms ached (still ache) for my babies and i felt so empty but i promise you it does get better in time you find a way of being. So while you're feeling like being strong is the last thing you will do it will come be gentle on yourself though and know so many people are keeping you close. What you feel is more than normal you will get there and talking on here and other boards i found helped me to as i realised i wasn't abnormal in my feelings and sadly other people knew exactly how i was feeling as they to have been there/are there.

Have you contacted SANDS or anyone similar its only recently myself that i've been going to a SANDS monthly meeting but its been a great support to me before then too. If you want to ever talk to me i'll email you my mobile number if you like and i won't be offended if you don't, i know for me i found this was how i was best able to say how i felt but the offer is there anytime.

I hope in a way i've answered/helped be gentle on yourself and you're in my thoughts everyday.

Love Wen xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Hutchy
I have been a bit better today. I feel guilty for that tough, but i said in another thread that guilt is a strong and destructive emotion so I am trying to take my own advice. I managed to go into work and see a few people. The thought of going was making me anxious, I was going to go in yesterday but felt so dreadful I did nothing. Mondays and Fridays are really hard for me. Friday was when Rose died at 12.30pm exactly 5 weeks before Christmas day, Monday was when she was born at 2.22pm, don't think I will ever be the same again at these times. However, today I woke up after a good nights sleep and thought, you know what, I'm going into work. I hadn't planned it, I just went and was in by 9.30am. It was hard and difficult for the few people I saw but the build up to the "event" was the demon, not the actual doing. I stayed for about an hour then came home. I managed to hoover the living room, clean the kitchen and downstairs loo and I *even* did the ironing. Hate the ironing but I did it and I'm pleased I managed it. The neighbour came round and offered to come to the nativity tomorrow with me, I am going on my own, I think it is important to try and do it myself. This afternoon the bereavement support midwife came and spent about 2.5 hours with me, talking about practical things, emotional things, things not really related to this nightmare and I feel better for it. Tomorrow is going to be well hard. The midwife did say that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself and not to look too far into the future, reflection is best at this point in time. I did tell her that not only am I grieving the loss of Rose but also the loss of what I may never have i.e. another child as things aren;'t the same for us ladies with fertility problems.
Hutchy, you are bound to have bad days, but having had today I can truly say that there is a tiny bit of hope. we lost our babies quite close together under different circumstances but you will wake up one day and feel a bit better - that was me today and it may well be you tomorrow. We'll chat tomorrow if you like?

Wenna. Thanks for your reply. It does make me feel a bit better. I have to live with the dreadful decision we made, every person on this forum has a slightly different circumstance. I haven't read many posts about terminating a pregnancy that was so so wanted. What a hard subject to talk about and not judge? I can only say that I did the most unselfish thing a parent can do - I looked after Rose's interests to the very very end despite the pain and suffering that I am enduring but it doesn't make the decision easier to bear there is always that "what if" question lurking like a cancer in my mind.

Everyone has been very kind and helpful, thank you so much.

Nic, children are very black and white in their views. It sometimes helps, it sometimes cuts you deep. My daughter decided she wanted to go back to her before and after school club. She said she didn;'t want me to take her and pick her up from school - that's not her routine. SO I have put her back in. Before all this, the only thing she wanted was for mummy or daddy to pick her up like "normal parents". The irony. But my prime aim is to make her feel safe and loved, no matter how hard it is for us. SHe is only an innocent child after all, and she has lost a sister plus one other.

We are hoping that there will be a result of the sex of twin 1 by Thursday, then at least we can get on with arranging the funeral (s).

I have rambled on. I suppose it'sbecause I haven't really been on today. I'll post again tomorrow.

Rosemummy

Robbo2 · 14 Mar 2007

Hi Rosemummy (and Hutchy)

Sorry I haven't posted before now but have just got back from holiday and was skipping through all the forums trying to catch up with what's been hapenning when I saw your posts.

I'm so very sorry for both of your losses and just want to say that things will move forward and if you really want to achieve your dream of being a mummy then you will - by what ever methods it takes.

After reading Rosemummy's reply to Wenna about terminating a pregnancy that was so wanted I just wanted to post and offer a little support if I can.

A potted history is that my DP had a vasectomy, we reveresed it, it failed then we were told he had no sperm whatsoever being produced by his body and so decided to go down the route or donor sperm. We got lucky on our 1st IUI and we were extatic - can still remember DP's face when we found out. I am diabetic and kept such strict control of it that everything was running perfectly. Until we had our blood tests - which came back at 1 in 4 for Down's Syndrome. As you can imagine we were wrecks but tried to stay strong and await the results of the amnio - 1 in 4 was still a 75% chance that everything would be OK. We got the FISH test results that gave us the answer we were hoping for - everything was fine but we were told this was only 99.98% accurate and we would have total confirmation in around 2 weeks. Well at 99.98% you breath a sigh of relief right - only a 0.02% chance that things weren't right. Well sadly 2 weeks later we were one of the 0.02% and the final result told us our baby had Downs. I didn't know where to turn - they sent us away to discuss things. I spent the whole weekend reading the internet, talking to people I thought would help and most importantly to the doctors and what would/could happen to our child during the rest of the preganancy and wether we should continue. After all the talking we too decided that we would end our prengancy. I'm quite willing to chat about what our reasons/what happened next etc off line (or on here if you prefer) if you need someone to talk to - let me know and I'll post you my e-mail.

Everyone deals with things differently. I wanted to talk to anyone and everyone that would listen - my DP shut off and barely spoke about things unless I brought them up. My main obsession was to get pregnant again - but as you say this is not that easy when you have fertility issues. Rosemummy although your heart must be breaking for what might have been - you have your little girl to think about and although it's really tough - especially at this time of year - she's the one that will keep you sane through all of this and bring you out the other side - just concentrate on her - you will do everything in robotic mode for a good while yet and your feelings will be swinging from desparate to at best not bad! No matter when these things happened - ours was May - everything that happens or comes on TV makes you think about 'what if'. Just take things slowly for a while and you will gradually find that it's not the first thing you think about when you get up or the last thing you think about before going to sleep - if you manage to get any sleep at all that is.

Hutchy - I'm not sure where you intend to go from here but I just knew I wanted to be a mummy and we looked into other choices - including adoption. We had just visited an adoption evening when we got confirmation of a free NHS funded IVF cycle (we had paid for all others). We had had about 18 months to think things through from our loss and subsiquent failed cycles and decided to give it one last go - how glad we are that we did as we have a beautifull little boy fast asleep in his cot next door.

Rosemummy - adoption may not be the way forward for you as you already have a little girl - my DP found it hard already having children from a previous relationship but wanted us to have a family of our own.

All I would say is give yourselves time and talk as much as you can to people that have been in similar situations.

Take care both of you - and if you have any questions please feel free to ask - if I can help in anyway I don't mind answering anything.

Robbo xx

rosemummy · 04 Dec 2009

Hi Robbo
Thank you thank you for your reply. You had horrendous luck too, I'm sorry. It is such an emotive issue, it's very hard. It would be good to talk offline if that's OK?
I'm back to square one today, not having a good morning and the afternoon is going to get worse. My mother keeps ringing me and it is truly doing my head in. SHe is only trying to be kind but I need some space. SHe keeps telling me all these stories about people that have either lost a baby or that lost a baby and then got pregnant or had IVF which was unsuccessful and then they got pregnant naturally...well, that's all very helpful when the only statistic is the one that applies to you yourself. Like the 0.02%, it is not a 0.02% chance is it...becuase for you Robbo it was 100%. How very cruel. AT least I didn't have to wait for another 2 weeks, the FISH showed up the Down's quite quickly. I would have been nearly 24 weeks pregnant by then still with the ventriculomegaly complication on top.
We would consider adoption but before then, I still have 7 embryos left from the first cycle but I can't remember at what stage they were frozen, I know they were all good quality. Our next door neighbours have adopted twins so I could speak to them about it all if I needed to.

I'm not looking forward to getting the results tomorrow, I am unprepared as to how I will feel if they tell me it is a girl, or a boy or that the cells didn;t grow and they can't tell us anything. We will have no choice but to move onto the next stage of setting a date for the funeral, not sure how I wil cope with this either although I know that we need some sort of closure.

If there is one positive thing that has come out of all of this, me and my DH are talking more if anything and I do feel that we are stronger (at this point in time, of course it can all go downhill I suppose).

xx

beckyc · 16 Mar 2007

Hello Rosemummy and Hutchy

First of all a big hug to you both(((((((((((())))))))))))))

Rosemummy- I know exactly what your going through at the moment and can tell you it does get easier with time. You go through many different emotions at this time, but you will come out a stronger person. My story is I carry a genectic disorder , there was 50/50 chance of passing it on, I can concieve naturally which I did 4 years ago. My baby was severley affected with my disorder and we painfully terminated at 17 weeks, then I discovered what rock bottom felt like. We thought we'd try again and hopefully the odds would be in our favor, again after cvs baby was severly affected again and terminated at 18.5 weeks. I can honestly say they were the most awfull days of my life, and you feel so many emotions. I eventually turned to pgd, where they test eggs before hand, then do IVF, I did three unsucessfull cycle, for some reason couldnt get pregnant via IVF. We do now have a baby girl who is midly affected, I love her so much and she is my life. I did however feel bad for my othert two angels and felt quilty as they must wonder why I didnt keep them. What Im trying to say is dont feel quilty and dont feel like you need to justify yourself, you did the best thing for your baby as any mother would do. As I say at times I feel bad but know I did the right thing.If I can help you at all let me know, as it is one of the hardest things to go through.Keep your chin up and take each day at a time.Just wanted you to know that your not alone out there.

Hutchy-\i hope your feeling a bit better today, its awful what your going through.I had to terminate a pregnancy and my boss was 5 weeks ahead of me at the time.I wont lie it was very hard and when there baby was born I cried for days, but I did manage to work with her and each day got easier.I found after the 1st day of going back it was not as hard as I thought it would be.pls allow yourself to grieve and both of you do things when your ready.

Your angels will both be with you now, I know my angels are and they are being looked after by my lovely grandmotherxxxxxxxxxx

Hutchy · 30 Aug 2007

Wenna - Thank you for your lovely post, I remember reading your post about you DH's new mobile and I just thought at the time that I knew exactly how you were feeling, I don't know what it is about having to have the latest phone and competing with his mates for the best one!!! We did have a talk about it last night and he apologiesed for ordering it, but he will be keeping it.. He knows how much I worry about money and if it wasn't for me we wouldn't have the small amount of savings that we have!!! I know everyone is different and I don't know how long it will take me but I am worried that I will have to go back to work before I am ready as I will be on half pay after christmas (plus SSP) and as I worry so much about money I don't know if we can afford it, I was looking to going back at beginning of March (when my colleague will be on mat leave), but may have to go back in Feb.... I am feeling better today, I think the arguement with DH really escalated my feelings and made me feel all alone...

Rosemummy - Glad to hear you are feeling better and it sounds like you know what to do to move on, that was very good of a bereavement support midwife to come and see you, I wasn't offered that, don't know if my PCT do that, it would have been good for me though so glad you got that... I have already been into work which I dreaded as I bawled my eyes out as soon as somebody hugged me... I have to go back in next week as I am a secretary to a Child Psychiatrist and it is her birthday so I will pop in with her present.... I am going to phone the hospital tomorrow to see if we have got an appointment yet to discuss my bloods and to sort out counselling... I hope you get to find out what sex your other twin was.... Like you, I hate Thursdays, I will always be counting them from now on as to how long ago it happened, it will be 2 weeks tomorrow.... I am also counting Fridays as I should have been 21 weeks this Friday....

Robbo - I am so sorry to hear of what you have been through and to be in that 0.02% must have been terrible for you to deal with... I hope you are right and that I will become a mummy again.. We have 2 frosties left which we will be using one at a time as we cannot risk being luck enough to have twins as I don't think my cervix would be able to take the weight.... I hope and pray one of them will become our child as we are NHS funded and we do not have funds to pay for treatment ourselves and I couldn't bear to stop till we got our dream now that I know we can get this far....

Becky - Sorry to hear that you have had to terminate 2 of your babies, I can't ever imagine having to go through all this again and i couldn't imagine having to make that choice too... The Dr's kept telling me that we needed to consider terminating the pregnancy too, but as long as I knew my baby was ok, it is something I couldn't do, because as far as we knew he was perfectly healthy, he just lacked fluid to help him to move and my cervix was also open so giving birth too soon was inevitable.....

Hutchy xx