CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Great news Woo, so pleased today has gone well. Bet DD can't wait to meet him.

Mel xxx

Will4Luce · 03 Aug 2009

Hi everyone

I wonder if you would mind if I joined this thread? I have not been on the forum for a very long time. We had 2 failed IVF cycles in 2009 and 2010. It took us a very long time to get over the pain and heartache,but we came out the other side. Anyway we are in the process of adopting and are due at Panel next month! I actually work for a fostering agency so know a little about the process, even so it's scary! Any advise or tips you lovely ladies would be much appreciated. Thanks x

wobally · 24 Nov 2008

Just a real quickie (yet again) as LO has been poorly with a virus all weekend - he's up in bed but coughing away, bless him, so I'm trying to cook dinner but be on hand for mummy duties Smile

Hi Luce - welcome to the board. I think you'll find we're a friendly bunch Smile

x

Woo - so, so pleased today went well for you. So exciting. And, if he's anything like my 3 nearly 4 year old boy then he'll be a right old mixture of sunshine and showers! I bet DD is bursting with exitement. Keep us posted when you can x

Lots of love to everyone else too. x

Better go and stir the dinner. Think I'll be off to bed as soon as we've scoffed it as we've had several sleepless nights so I'm starting to feel a bit frazzled now.

xxx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Welcome to the board Luce, not long til panel Smile

Feel free to ask any questions, someone will be about to answer.

Wobally, sorry LO is poorly, such good bonding opportunity though Smile

Hope you all get some sleep tonight.

I think I'm in for a disturbed night with DD, she has been out of sorts for a couple of days and woke up with a temperature today.

Mel xxx

Sue123 · 21 Oct 2009

Hello everybody,

Just a quickie from me too to say welcome to Luce! I will be no use to you at all as I haven't even been on my open evening yet (its in june) but the ladies on here are great and I'm already picking up tips and ideas from them. Good luck with your panel and keep us updated- I am really interested in everyones experiences!

Woo- Glad your meet went well, its so exciting, I hope so much we get to that stage- its such a long way off for us.

Hi Josie- Hope the assessments went well. My moderation from the council was fine, just a bit of tweeking here and there but she said not to change anything at the mo and wait until the new EYFS comes in in September. Ive not seen it yet but it sounds as though it might be more condenesed than the present one. I'm writing my reports at the moment, 10 down and 13 to go so doing ok. Smile

Hello to everyone else too and hope you are enjoyijng the lovely weather.

Love from Sue. xxxxx

Will4Luce · 03 Aug 2009

Hi everyone

HI Sue123, Mel and Wobally, thanks so much for the warm welcome. I am going to get to grips with where you are all in your adoption journey so have some reading to do!

One of the burning questions I wanted to ask you is, can you let me know what your view is to renaming an adopted child.

I cant say I am convinced either way and have had some quite conflicting advise from the LA we are with. We are hoping to adopt a child under the age of 2 and I have to say from many of the profiles we have seem some of the names are very 'unusual'! My husband and I have quite a strange last name as well so we want to think of what will be best for our child long term. I know this is quite a contentious issue and as I say, we have not decided either way, I just wonder what you take is on this and if you can give me some advise?

One of the other things I have found frustrating so far is when we tell people we are adopting we get a lot of people saying things like 'wow I really admire people who adopt'...it drives me mad as I feel like saying there is nothing admirable in it, this was just the journey we have been lead on! I know I am probably a little over sensitive but how do I deal with these sort of comments!?

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Welcome Luce, you must be full of butterflies with panel approaching but I am sure you will be fine. Due to the nature of adoption process you would know already from social worker if there were any problem areas. Saying that we go to panel for number 2 in July and I will be bricking it!!!! Laughing

We did change our sons name but there were specific reasons. Our SW agreed, FC's agreed and then his SW who didn't know him at all disagreed for about two weeks. When he came over and we gave him the extra information ( Which he would have known if he had done his homework) he then fully agreed. So his name was changed to something completely different. My advice on this one is not to get hung up on this as you could easily end up with panel thinking its an issue. The truth is I really don't look forward to having to explain this to my son but I know we did the right thing. Once you have all the facts about a child you will know what to do, until then try not to worry about it. I can remember that once we had been approved we had a party and we warned friends that some of the names might be very strange...we ended up coming up with ideas of what our child might be called. In actual fact I don't know one person with a child with a weird name. All the children have lovely names and no one else changed their childs name.

Woo....how is it going. Knowing the age of little one I expect its a bit of a tornedo. Try and remember that in my case by day 4 -5 I told DH that I couldn't do it. It took me 8 months to fall in love with my little man and knowing what I know now, I know that isn't a surprise as he exhibited some really rejecting behaviour and didn't want me to get close. The same little one came crawling into my bed the other night and after about an hour I whispered....shall we go and tuck you up in your own bed with mickey mouse. He whispered...will you carry me mummy??? Seeing my little one all warm and sleepy with his 4 year old arms in the air was so lovely and I will never ever take it for granted. He has come such a long way but your little one prob wont be ready for that yet. Take it minute by minute. Hows the weather up there???

Hi to everyone else....D is up now so better go.

Elizabeth
xxx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Luce

Changing names can be a very emotive topic and, as Elizabeth says, don't worry about it right now, best just to say things like 'if its in the best interests of the child/for security reasons etc' then you would consider it but still keep the original name as a middle name so as they maintain part of their identiity.

Both of my children have names I wouldn't have chosen BUT they are very well suited to them. DD was 14 months when she came home and she knew her name. Changing names can be done but it has to be for the right reasons, not just because you don't like the name.

Woo, hope things are continuing to go well and the meeting between your DD and DS went well.

Mel x

Will4Luce · 03 Aug 2009

Hi Elizabeth and Mel, great to hear from you.

It's great to have some feedback from people who are living and breathing through the adopted process. Mel I totally know what you mean about not renaming our child just because we don't like their name. I guess it's an easy trap to fall into. I think one of the main issues is my husband and I have said yes to duel heritage, thus many of the names of the children we have seen have had names that are difficult to pronounce even, bless them! Confused

I guess we will wait and see but you are both right, we wont get too hung up on it as this could be noted at Panel.

What is so odd for me as I administer and minute Panels for the fostering agency I work for, so sitting on the other side albeit for adoption, is going be most odd for me next month!

Luce xx

Melynsada · 12 Nov 2010

Hi Everyone

Sorry I havent been around I have had a magrain since Monday night so not felt like looking at computer screen.

Woo - So nice to hear that all is going ok. I hope all went well when DD met him. Bet you never thought you would get to this stage.

Wobally and Mel - I do hope your LO's are ok now and are feeling a little better.

Elizabeth you are a very good grounder. i always wonder how I would/should feel about my child when I get him/she and your right it will take time. My heart melted when you said about him getting into bed. Ah so cute.

Luce - Welcome to the thread. You will find out about us all if you read back the ladies on here are great and very helpful. I am9 months in and just waiting to be given my Home study social worker and I have my final prep course day next thursday.

Josie and Sue and Hel - Hope your enjoying the sunshine its so lovely to finally wear t shirts.

I am meeting a couple off the ladies off my training course on saturday so looking forward to that. Apart from that off out tomorrow night to celebrate friends birthday (dinner and drinks at other friends house) then got one of my firends coming friday night then sunday back to work booooooooo!! LOL.

Well off to try to eat something now and cool down as getting far too hot sat here typing.

Have a good rest of the week everyone.

Take care xxx

Oh does anyone know how to put a ticker on I have tried and tried and its doing my head in now. what option do you copy and then where do you paste it?

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Sorry you have had a migraine Sar, my DH gets them about 1-2 a year and we have had the doctor out to him twice and even they been concerned that it wasn't a migraine. They can be very scary can't they. Hope you enjoy your meet up with friends. LOL at the 'Grounded comment'...I am very good at grounded advice and very much the worrier with my own life...isn't it always the way?! I am rubbish at tickers so you may get more help from one of the others.

How is everyone enjoying this sunshine?? I hope everyone has got it. I am feeling like a fool as I was doing quite well on my 'Diet thats not a diet' and lost 19lbs...still got more to go but took my foot off the gas for about 4 weeks with all the rain and haven't lost anymore and put on 2 lbs.....now the suns out I wish I had been more motivated at the gym. Hey ho!! Embarassed

Had meeting with nursery and school the other day and D is now visiting his new school about 6 times for short periods before they break up. All of his hyper arousal stuff comes out in new environments and he thrives where he is comfortable so the aim is to take the 'Newness' out of it for him and normalise it as much as possible. Then he goes for 2 and a half hours a day (work nightmare as you can imagine) for 3 ( yes 3!!) weeks...OMG!! So have decided to take half days, take him first thing, head to gym, pick him up, give him lunch and then Daddy will finish a bit earlier and I will head into work for the afternoon. Happier now I have a plan. Going to treat it like 3 weeks of boot camp for me. Prob is after that I will be depressed as wont be able to go to the gym every day....oh how I wish I could win the lottery and not be a slave to the wage.

I woke up at 5am this morning...poo....D still asleep so far but I doubt it will last. Thats weird as I typed that I heard him...hes on his way in......'The day starts'. We are off nursery and work today so might head for a walk first thing.

Have a good one

Elizabeth
xxx

wobally · 24 Nov 2008

Hi All

Just a quicky as usual - LO has been really ill this week so had some sleepless nights and difficult days. He's in bed now and hasn't coughed for the past hour so I hope he's past the worst now. But I'm so behind on 'stuff' that I need to crack on now he's asleep.

Hope everyone's OK.

Will catch up on where everyone is hopefully over the weekend when DH is around.

Luce - on the subject of names, we were linked to a 2 year old girl (all fell through - long story) with an unusual name. Our sw had suggested we should discuss changing it for security reasons but LO's sw was very against it as LO knew her name and it would have been another major change for her to cope with - which we thoroughly agreed with. Her name was 3 syllables (with a really naff spelling, bless her) so we decided we'd gradually use a 2 syllable variation of it. Which is nothing really different to what often happens with birth children - me, my brother and sister all have 3 syllable names and we all use shortened versions most of the time. We didn't get as far as discussing whether we'd change it legally though... But all of the other children we 'looked at' had really normal (and often very conservative) names.

Don't like to moan, but... isn't it hot!!! Very Happy

xxxx

Melynsada · 12 Nov 2010

Hi Wobally - I hope that LO is feeling a little better today.

Elizabeth - What a nightmare juggling for LO starting nursery. Its really good though that you have been able to take him in a short periods to get him used to it. I worry sometimes about how I will juggle work and a LO and then I stop worrying because I aint even got to first base yet so whats the point. I have given up worrying now I am just going with the flow I have decided.

Hope everyone else is ok. I am enjoying the sun but could do with a nice breeze LOL

Have a good weekend everyone.
xx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Sar...lovely breeze in my garden at the mo....what a lovely Friday evening. Yes, try not to overthink how it will work. I do but then I have to tell myself whats meant to be will work out.

Woo......are you ok? Been a bit worried about you and want you to know that if you get time and you want to offload/ask for advice/ go ahead. Intros is VERY VERY hard and I made the mistake of not using the girls enough during intros, then I stored up probs for myself. Hoping its going well but realistic enough to know it may not be.
Even DH is asking after you every day.

Off out for quiet drink with a friend who isn't a Mummy as decided I wasn't in touch with her enough as our lives weren't crossing and she did want children of her own, ICSI didn't work out and she is adapting brilliantly and really embracing life. I felt Id neglected her a bit. All I did last time was moan about DH so am going to go and get all her gossip and be a good friend. Nice night for a pub garden and its near to both of us.

Wobally, left you a voicemail earlier, hope ds is on the mend and your sane!!

Elizabeth
xxx

josie67 · 02 Oct 2011

Hello everybody,

Sorry I've been AWOL for a few days, but I've tried to read up on what I have missed.

Very interesting regarding the name changes. I didn't know that you were allowed to change names at all, and I understand how it may be traumatic for the child to suddenly be called something else. However, some of the names of children that I have worked with, made up names, names with horrendous spelling, triple barrel names. I have also had lots of princesses and a 'king David' not so long ago. I have had a 'jellie' whose parents named her that so that she could be their jellie baby when she was born. I mean....really? So although it may be traumatic changing a name, surely when it is something really distinctive in a bad way, it would be better for the child to be renamed? Is that what the social workers say then? Or are their other reasons for changing names? I do love the idea of giving my future child/ children a middle name though. How lovely.

Wobally and Mel, I hope your lovely little ones are ok. I bet you have had lots of wonderful cuddles. Wobally, is you lo pre school or school age? And yes, it is blooming hot hot hot. I'm more of a shade bather myself as I burn so easily.

Sar, you still sound a bit fed up with waiting. Any news?

Elizabeth, I'm glad that your lo has the place you want for him, and even though the start of term is a bit bitty, he'll soon be settled in. I wish I had your motivation to go to the gym and lose weight!

Sue, glad to hear that your assessments went well Hun. It is always a worry, even when you know you are doing well, you still doubt yourselves don't you. You know how foundation say the funniest things? And also how us ladies have a thing for uniformed men? Well, we had the firefighters in the other day, and we had a great time, all the children had a sit in the engine and a squirt of the hose, as well as a talk about fire safety and watching me dressing up in thei firefighter uniform. But then they were called away on an emergency and we all watched them as they drove away. As they got out of sight, a girl age 3 turned to me, sighed, and said. Miss, firemen are quite beautiful. I want to bake cakes for them! She is starting very early eh?!

A big welcome to will Luce. Lovely that there is a nice bunch of newbies alongside our wonderful experienced ladies who are the voice of reason in this journey. Good luck for your panel date hun x

Woo, I bet you are so busy right now and maybe you are at the stage where you do bedtime at the foster carers? I hope it is all going well for you sweetie.

Aghhhh. Cat just brought in a dead bird. Gotta go, much love to all who I haven't written personals too, and just so you know, all our application forms have been sent off and referees asked to be referees for us. Ooh, and I have a story about the physic I went to see too, but will have to write that next time.

Have a great evening,

Josie xxx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Just in from a lovely evening and was checking for news on Woo.

Josie.....news from a psychic....oh spoil sport.....sounds fab...pls tell!! I like hearing stuff like that.

Quick cuppa before bed...D will prob be up in 6 hrs!!

Arhh he wanted to come with me tonight and cried his little eyes out in the car...he has never done that before....hes all about mummy at the moment!! Lots and Lots of attachment stuff going on at the moment. I am sure with new addition and school it may not last but I am just going to enjoy it at the moment.

Elizabeth
xxx

josie67 · 02 Oct 2011

Morning all,

Glad you had a good night out Elizabeth.

Just a quick one about the psychic then. It was at a pub and there were about 50 people in the room. It was lovely but upsetting too. She was ever so good. I went with friends and she had already been to them with messages and able to tell them things that had happened etc, then right at the end of the night she looked directly at me and asked if she could hold my hands. She came over and told me that there were lots of spirit children all around me, not my own, but that as they came through to her they were running over towards me. Her words were that they know you are a lovely person and want to be with you. She asked if I knew why and I did tell her at that point that I was a teacher but nothing else. She told me that I have felt the spirits before and it is like a tingle. Well, as my friends know, I regularly say that I think somebody is about, as I go cold, tingle, and my hairs on arms stand up etc. so it is quite a nice thought that I am surrounded by children bless! Then she said that she knew I had been trying, and she said she wasn't going to pursue that in front of everybody as I had tears on my face at this point, but that I knew I wasn't going to have my own birth children. She was very firm on that. But then she did the future. Again, unprompted, she said I had been to two meetings, recently, that were going to start me off being Mummy to a child. ( we went to the open evening and they have been to us) and that within two years I would be a mummy to a beautiful little girl to start with. She didn't know how, and said i might be a stepmum, but i then said about the adoption process, and she said that she herself was adopted and said how much respect she has for people like us. I was proper crying by the end, in a nice way! And I came away feeling reassured I think! I know not everybody believes in psychics, but it was uncanny the things sheknewabout me and my friends even more so, all you do is buy a ticket straight from the pub, so they have no chance to do any research. There are no names taken even.

Then, the next day (obviously I had toldme hubby who is a bit sceptical!) we were in the car, and I got that hair on end tingle, and said, Paul I think we have a car full of children, hat freaked him out!!!

Anyway, what do you think about that?

Xxxxxx

Woo · 28 May 2007

Hi sorry guys have not been posting however been finding things very hard during intros. Since the first day I have felt nothing for the little one and the feelings will not go away and I cannot ignore them however hard I try. The only thing I feel is extreme irriration. He scratched me twice on the second day and I am managed to stop him the third time. He just throws things about in the house and it is no wonder that two tvs have been replaced in their home. He is very wilful and is not very good with animals. The family dog gets kicked very hard at foster carers home. We went to a park yesterday and there were animals there. He held my hand and whilst standing looking at some chickens/hens he just booted one really hard before I knew what he was planning. There is a streak in him that is quite nasty. My DD does not like some of the behaviour he displays and he is quite hard on her whilst in the house. He was out the other day walking with us and just picked up stones and just threw them anywhere one hit DH he said he was okay and did not feel it.

DH and DD have said that they would like him here, however, I do not feel that way at all. It feels like an arranged marriage that looks good on paper but in real life since the first meeting I have this feeling in my gut that it is not right. We were given some of his things to bring home on the Tuesday and I did not want to take them however could not say this to FC at the time. On coming home I said to DH I do not want them in the house put them in the garage. He did bring them into the house and into the room. In order to try and feel something I got the cuddly toys out and put some on the bed. I feel nothing there when I see them. When he holds my hand or calls me Mummy I feel nothing. I feel emotionless towards him and I find this really hard after all the time we have waited for a little one.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone for what I have written, however, I feel for the little ones sake and my family I have to be honest with myself for everyone. This little one has had a difficult start in life and deserves more than I am able to give. DH does most things with him as I feel no inkling to get involved and try and force myself to interract with him.

We had a co-ordination meeting yesterday and I have been speaking to social workers since day three about how I am feeling. They have asked that I give it a few more days and I have agreed that I will do this. Plans have changed a bit. I did not think it would a good idea that he comes to our house with the way that I am feeling I canot see this changing and would hate to damage him any further than I feel I am doing now.

We have no contact day, contact Sunday and Monday for 6 hours each day. No contact on Tuesday. Co-ordination meeting at a social work centre on Wednesday to discuss further.

Any advice on here would be appreciated and I am sorry for being so open however I thought you ladies would be able to offer some advice.

Sorry I have not responded to anyones posts and this is alll about me.

Woox

Woo · 28 May 2007

I also wanted to say that on day one I did not tell anyone the way I was feeling not even DH. I tried to ignore what I was feeling and try and talk myself into feeling something. When reading the only post I put on Monday it may sound like things were okay however things were not. I was trying to convince myself it went okay and make myself feel something that was not there Sad

josie67 · 02 Oct 2011

Oh woo honey,

I really feel for you. I have no advice to give as I haven't been in that situation myself, but I am sure some of the other ladies will respond and advise you. Didn't i read that Elizabeth wrote that during the first two weeks she found it hard and wanted to send lo back, or am I getting mixed up. All I can suggest is that you can't always just instantly have a bond, but the bond will grow. His behaviour is from his experience, from which he is angry, and you can change that with providing a loving family environment for him. But it has to be right for all of you. I don't know what to suggest hun. Sorry xxxxxx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Ok Woo......first of all ((((Hug)))). We have been through alot together and I really want to help you through this as it ONE HUNDRED PERCENT mirrors my own experience. I told DH the other day that I had seen a post you had done somewhere else and it sent shivers down my spine as it took me back. I didn't want to post on there as couldn't remember my password but then saw you hadn't updated anything so guessed things were not any better. Well done on coming on here and saying it as it is. This is an extreme case in my opinion but it is only fair on here that we can cover the Grit aswell as the fluff of adoption.

The reason everyone else is having a different feeling to you is that you are the MUM and you feel the resposibility to what this little one might bring into your family unit. That just makes you a good mum not a bad one. This little one may well need a family where he is the only child and where the parents can therapeutically parent him. I met FC on my course the other day and she has two very young children that will not be adopted as they are too traumatised, the correct thing is that they stay in FC where social services can access financial support and services. It sounds to me that he has attachment issues but has he had a recent CAHMS assessment. I suggest this happens before you go any further. You have waited this long it needs to be right. Both the little one and your family deserve this to be right.

Now...I am so happy that we stuck in there with D, he was younger though and although he was unkind to me and hit other children there was so much more to him than that. I couldn't bear to look at baby gros...don't ask me why. I think it is because I was sooo excited to be buying them but the boy in them used to hit me, reject me and pull my hair so hard it made me cry. Only you can decide what is best and each case is different but I would say intros MUST be slower and longer with days plenty of rest days to allow YOU to reflect. If this is going to work bet your life it will be YOU carrying it all...NOT SS and not prob even DH. Try not to use language with SS that scares them though. Save that for us. I used to say that although I wish to care for him, he doesn't feel like mine. They expect that. They only need you to do 'Good enough parenting'. I always remember a social worker asking me on a course I was on 'Do you want to continue with the adoption'? Just like that. No one had been that direct. She was lovely but I look back now and KNOW that if I had said no, they would have moved quickly and he would have been taken from me. I am soo glad that I said yes. My love for D now is equal to the fear I had of him at first. We got through it. Who knows how the future will pan out but I honestly think this is a GOOD adoption story but it has had its casualties.

I dont know his background and don't say on here but how long was he with birth parents? Did he see violence? Was he neglected? Severe? Who was the main carer that hurt or neglected him? Whatever happens now a FULL SUPPORT package needs to be put in place for him and for you. What does FC say? What is FC like? How does he respond to FC?

I'm here for you chick. STOP the guilt now. You are a good person that is scared, thats all.

Much Love

Elizabeth
xxx

wobally · 24 Nov 2008

Woo - sending lots and lots of love, hun. I'm so sorry I haven't got time to respond fully now as we're on a timetable today. I would echo what Elizabeth said. Have SS discussed what support/direct work will be available to you and LO? Because our LO had been with the FC for so long we had it documented in our meetings that we could be taught how to do 'theraplay' if there are concerns about his attachment to us at any point.
I feel for you so much. I've definitely had hours/days when I've felt very disconnected from my LO and can't see how we're ever going to progress.
It's so difficult to give advice but I think that the SWs should definitely give you full details of all the support that will be available to you - at least then you can make an informed decision.
So sorry but got to dash. Will come back on later xxxxxx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Josie, I love the psychic story. It made me tingle reading it too. I will post you my own little psychic story soon. Who knows but the meaning of Clair voyant is clear seeing and many years ago I discussed some stuff that was happening and the answer was I was 'Clear seeing'. Its not something that I can or wish to turn on and off and long ago decided not to analyse it. I don't believe that people can 100% know and that is where all this gets mixed up because someone else in my situation might decide to try and predict things, then it becomes them and not their intuition.

Follow your heart on this one.

It sounds to me that you are already ready...if that makes any sense at all.

If you want my prediction on this one (and please remember its my intuition not hocus pocus).....hang on to your hat!! Wink

Elizabeth
xxx

Woo · 28 May 2007

Hi guys thanks for replying back and for the support. Will try and see what the next few days bring. If anybody wants to send their email address or phone number i could email or text specifics that I cannot put on a public forum. Something inside me feels so wrong about it and it is screaming NO NO NO Crying or Very sad

Woox

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

I daren't put mine down as it has my surname on it and there are very few of us.

I would love to chat it through with you. Text me on the following number

It's not mine but it will get to me.

Can anyone tel me how to delete it off after?

E
xxx