CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

Melynsada · 12 Nov 2010

Hi Ladies

Hope your all having a great time.

Just wanted to wish Hel good luck for today. Hope all goes well for you and let us know when you get some breathing space how things are going. Big hugs to our new MUMMY xxxxx

Woo · 28 May 2007

Wobally - have a great holiday hun - hope LO has a great time Cool

Hel - things sound great hun really pleased for you and your DH Very Happy

Josie - the girls on here are fab and they will keep you right hun Very Happy

Sar - sounds as if you had a good break hun Very Happy

We are away this weekend to Blackpool for a couple of days with my mum and nephew back on Monday Wink

Have a nice weekend everyone.

Take care.
Woox

Hel75 · 13 Apr 2010

Hi,
Just a quick post whilst LO is having a snooze!! All going brilliantly here!! She is absolutely gorgeous and seems very happy and settled, sleeping and eating well too! She moved in weds and have to admit we have had a couple of visitors(tut,tut!) but only for 10 mins and she doesnt seem bothered!
Feels perfect xxx

josie67 · 02 Oct 2011

Just back from a night out and checked in. So happy to see your post Hel. How old is she roughly? I imagine you must keep pinching yourself to check it is real, it is and you are a real mummy! I love this thread and all the happy news. Lots of love to you all xxx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Lovely post Hel. Enjoy your daughter. Glad things are going well. Re the visitor thing, everyone will handle it differently and the best instinct is your own. This time round I am going to be much more strict but more for my sake and D's sake than little ones. I just want to let the kids bond as a family first.

I look forward to hearing more updates. Do you feel like your house has been taken over with Baby toys and equipment yet? 3 years in you just accept your paying the mortgage to house your childs things....D has toys in EVERY room of the house!!

Hi to everyone.

Elizabeth
xxx

wobally · 24 Nov 2008

Hel - lovely news. So pleased for you Very Happy

x

Elizabeth - in case we don't get a chance to catch up before hand, will be thinking of you lots at panel on Tuesday. I'm sure it'll be a breeze but I know you'll be nervous nonetheless Smile

. Let me know when you're out... x

We had a lovely holiday. Will catch up properly when have a bigger window.

Love to all xx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Good luck for tomorrow Elizabeth, am sure all will be fine but know its nerve wracking the 2nd time round too.

Mel xxx

josie67 · 02 Oct 2011

Good luck to Elizabeth too, can't wait to hear more great news xxx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Thanks girls, we aren't nervous yet but will be glad to get it all over with one way or another. I know we still have other hurdles but tomorrow is the big one to me. I am really confident that both SW's want the match to happen but panel need to agree to us adopting again before that can happen.

MIL and FIL are visiting DH's grandad so they are going to walk up to meet D from nursery tomorrow while we are at panel and take him back to great grandads, so whatever the outcome we will head round there to tell them all straight after.

Still haven't read our report properly. We are going to go to the gym, then have a spa, get some lunch and then meander to panel for 3pm....soooo chilled this time...hope we don't cock it all up being too relaxed. Last time I was petrified and we were first ones in the morning on a really icy day.....Dh had to hold me up from falling over in the car park.

Will be on tomorrow whatever the outcome.

Elizabeth
xxx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Enjoy your day beforehand Elizabeth, sounds a good way to occupy yourselves. It was waiting for the panel's recommendation after we had left the room that got to me a bit, mainly as it was then completely out of my control!!

Even worse waiting after MP, couldnt believe we would be lucky enough to get a baby girl after all the years of disappointment. That one had to be the worst for me.

Mel xxx

Woo · 28 May 2007

Hel - glad things are going really well for you hun Smile

Elizabeth - good luck hun I am sure everything will go well Smile

Woox

Melynsada · 12 Nov 2010

Hi Ladies

Elizabeth good luck for today I am sure you will walk it. I like the idea of a bit of R & R before you go. Keeping everything crossed for you. x

Hel - I am so happy for you. Congrats on becoming a mummy x

Josie - how are things going with you. I am doing a load of online training courses at the mo. My social worker wanted me to go on some courses but as I cant get the time off without losing loads of pay this is a compromise. Its quite good as it will help with school job too and I am quite enjoying doing them and you get certificates too.

Hope everyone else is ok.

Take care xx

josie67 · 02 Oct 2011

Hi all - just a quickie back to Sar

All going fine I think - we have just completely finished autobiographies. Mine is about 4 -5 times as many words as my DH's! Is that common? There does seem to be a lot of repetition with the questions. Anyway - I see my SW tomorrow and DH sees her thursday. She hasn't mentioned any additional courses right now. Which courses are they? Hope you aren't too busy though hun - you still need time for socialising - whilst you can! xxx

Melynsada · 12 Nov 2010

Hi Josie

You, like me sound like you have been writing War and Peace 2!! LOL. I have written so much. After having lunch with the other ladies off my training course on Friday I seem to have put in a hell of a lot more work than they have. They havent been asked to do any of the things I have and havent been offered any courses to go on or anything. I am hoping that all this will go in my favour when I get to panel. My social worker brought me a book full of training courses but because its hard for me to get time off work I opted to try out some of the online training that they offer and I have done 3 courses one on neglect and abuse, one on health and one on attachment and loss. Just sent off to do another one I told her which courses I was interested in and asked if she could match up with a online one. You sit a test at the end of each course and then you get a certificate. I think at this rate I will be siting my social worker exam LOL Laughing

The other ladies off my course werent even offered for their friends and family to go on a family training day which mine were and they found it so useful. Are you with a LA or with other association? I dont know about you but my sessions with SW seem to last 3-4 hours. I keep remembering what one of the ladies on here said ages ago remember they are not your friend and its so true you cant say anything without them analising it. A lady off my course was telling us that her husband said as a joke in one of the sessions that she was a cold fish and OH BOY has that hit the fan. Her SW keeps bringing it up.

I hope your one to one goes ok. I am hoping that my next session is my last one but who knows they might put in a few more.

Take care xx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Hi Girls

Sorry not going to do any personals tonight as I am soo tired.

Panel said YES. It was all very easy to be honest and then we headed round to pick D up and stayed til about half hour ago. D being overtired just had the mother of all meltdowns and I have wrestled him into bed...exhausting. Anyway, he has been down for a kiss and a cuddle and gone off to sleep. Me.....I'm off to bed too.

Will post more tomoz.

Elizabeth
xxx

josie67 · 02 Oct 2011

Yippee Elizabeth! Great news Hun and I am glad it went so smoothly for you xxx

Melynsada · 12 Nov 2010

Hi

Elizabeth - Yippee!!!! Thats fabulous news excellent and well done you xxx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Sar and josie....I must confess to having a chucke at you two talking about 'War and Peace'. The other day before we went to panel we sat at the gym having a coffee and I went through our report a bit and realised that my stuff was much much bigger than DH's. Then I asked him stuff that he had written in his chronology of his life ( key events) and he couldn't answer most of them......why??? Because I had filled it in for him this time!! We had forgotten....that small detail. Then Dh went through mine to test me on things I had written and he looked up and said 'Your nana is still alive'....OOps....I had forgotten to put that down. We concluded I must have un resolved emoptions about her dying and we failed our assessment of ourselves!! Wink

Sar in realtion to the courses, It sounds to me that your SW is 'Right on it' because she has assessed the areas you will be vulnerable in and is plugging the gaps by giving you strengths above other adopters. When you get to panel all this will be more than relevant. As a single adopter I would be checking every single detail but in the end I would give you a yes, I would just want to know that you are prepared for everything. As a couple we can share the burden and when one is off the other picks up the slack. You are taking on alot on your own and your sw is making sure she is giving you the best chance of succsess. There are single parents everywhere doing better jobs than many couples so you'll be grand.

HI Woo....hows you doing? Hows DD? HAve you had any contact with SW's?

Mel, we had a lovely pre panel day. It all feels a bit weird now, like we are just waiting to bring little one home but always with one eye on things. When we decided to go for it again we just focused on getting approved again and expected to wait and see what happens but to be in the situation where we are already linked and panel booked for matching feels quite rushed and you now how I am with change. I had such stomach ache and such a sleepless night after panel. I'm sure it will be easier once I meet FC's. It will feel more real.

Wobally see you later hun....yay.

Hel...how is it going? We know you are busy, pop on when you can. How is she sleeping? Your in teething territory. PArsons powders are fab...not sure what they do but they do help.

Elizabeth
xxx

Hel75 · 13 Apr 2010

Hi ladies.....
Congrats elizabeth!!!!!!!!!!
All still going well, shes such an easy going baby- sleeps an hour in morn and aft and then sleeps 7.30 til 7.30 at night without waking!!!!! Unbelievable really.... A very happy nature, sociable and seems really settled. Cant ask for more really!!!!
DH is brill with her and says he feels like a dad, we both already love her to bits, but if i'm honest i still feel like weare borrowing her and dont feel like her mum.... not too concerned though as sure it will come and love her to bits and we have bonded, probably just me..... Guess its been a long time coming !! Dont know what feeling like a mum feels like i guess!!
Right better go before she wakes up, just wanted to let you all know we are one very happy household!!!
Hope everyone is okay, sorry for the lack of personals!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Melynsada · 12 Nov 2010

Hel I am so pleased that all seems to be going ok for you and she sounds adorable. How good is she too sleeping so long and she sems to have settled right in with the 2 of you. I can totally understand where your coming from re the not feeling like a mummy. I was wondering how people dealt with that. Ladies with experience over to you LOL Laughing

Elizabeth - your so right and I will do all I can to show them that I am willing to fight for this. I know that I am taking on the job of 2 people and I know life is going to be hell sometimes but I am hoping that the fight and hell will all be worth it. I did have to laugh re your going over your info with hubby. Laughing

Hope you other ladies are ok. I have been to the gym today and then went swimming. I decided that no kid wants a fat mummy so I am working hard to lose some of this weight and be a slimmer version of me in the next 6 months.

Hey its x factor tomorrow I cant believe that that has come round again so fast I thought it had only just finished. I love the auditions bit LOL.
I have a couple coming round tomorow night who were on my training course I hadnt realised x factor was on LOL.

Have a great weekend one and all xx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Hel - just to say you are completely normal!!!! It does take a while to feel like the child's Mum but it does come, in the early days its all surreal and feels more like babysitting though I think we are sort of preparing ourselves waiting for it to go wrong, for SS to come to their senses and take the children away saying they got it wrong!! They won't but it take time to adjust to the reality of finally getting a family.

Mel xxx

Lolls · 24 Apr 2011

Hi all
I hope you don't mind me joining your thread. Reading some of the posts on this thread has been lovely - I am so pleased for those of you who have made a family.

We have just been through our second round of IVF and been unsuccessful. We are looking at our options now, and are seriously considering adoption. I wondered if anyone could answer a couple of questions that I have?

What is the process and roughly how long does it take?
What rights do the birth parents have to see their child after adoption, or to take back their child?

If anyone could help, I'd be really grateful. Thanks.
Lynda

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Hi Lynda

Sorry to hear your 2nd ivf was unsuccessful (((HUGS))).

How long is the process? Depends a lot on every individual and the agency they go through but there are guidelines laid down by the government regarding timescales and at the moment they are trying to speed things up. First time round from initial phone call to approval was 12 months for us which was considered quick and everyone on our prep course who went to approval panel got there within 18 months.

Matching can be quick or take 2 years plus, just depends on what children are coming through the agency, how proactive you are in finding them out of county, how restrictive you are on your matching criteria.

The birth parents share very limited responsibility for the children right up to the granting of the Adoption Order. This is shared with the placing authority and the adoptive parents. The parental responsibility you gain on placement allows you to basically live everyday life without any problems but if they need an operation or you want to take them out of the country you have to seek approval through the agency. With a placement order the courts are the only ones who can overturn this. If the BPs contest the PO before a child is placed with adopters, the agency then have to stop all plans for intros and placement until it is sorted in the courts. Once a child is placed with an adoptive family the BPs get notified when the application has been made for the adoption order, at this time they can attend court to request permission to contest but they would have to have made major changes in their lives before a judge will allow them to contest. To date there has never been a child removed from an adoptive home and returned to BPs. Most children will have been out of the BPs care for at least 18 months by the time a AO is applied for and a lot of children will never have lived with them. If a child is relinquished by BPs they have slightly different righhts in as far as they can change their minds right up to the AO being granted but if they did SS and the courts would need to assess things very carefully. So no one can just take their child back.

Direct contact is rare and really only benefits children that are older when adopted if they have a good relationship in the first place. You do not have to agree to direct contact, the only time this is forceable is if a contact order is made by the courts and for any changes to be made it would have to go back to court. Most common contact is letterbox written once or twice a year between the adopters and the birth family that gives no identifing information, just an update on X is getting on well at school, he likes swimming, playing football type of things. When a child turns 18 they are entitled to see their adoption files and can then go through adoption support to trace their original family but most adoptees leave it well into their 20s before they even think about it.

Feel free to ask any questions you may have, someone will be about to answer.

Mel x

Lolls · 24 Apr 2011

Mel, thank you ever so much. This has really helped to alleviate some concerns that I had. I can't believe it takes 18 months to go through the process, but I suppose it makes sure that everything is right for all involved. I am assuming there is some degree of unecessary beaurocracy though. One last question from what you said - how do you know which agency to use?

Thanks again
Lynda

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Hi again

A lot of the time the length of the process is down to the workloads of SWs and the waiting for prep courses and then to be assigned a SW, it can be frustrating and is certainly not an easy rollercoaster but worth it in the end Smile

You need to find an agency you feel comfortable with so I would advise to phone round as many as possible, you can approach agencies within a 50 mile radius of where you live (a list should be on BAAF website), and from your intial phone call you will be able to get a feel for them and also whether they are recruiting for your age range etc. Don't be afraid to ask about time scales involved. If you are willing to consider siblings you tend to be prioritised a bit but you don't have to stick with this. If you don't want an older child don't be pushed into it, there are loads more babies in the system since Baby P but SWs still tell you they are rare in order to get people to consider older children. Go to info evenings and see how you feel about each agency before commiting to one. If you know anyone that has been through an agency ask them for their honest opinion but bare in mind that each case is very different and if someone has a bad experience it doesn't mean you will.

LAs (Local Authority) have all the children and tend to place the 'easier' ones with there own adopters so if you want as young as possible with as few 'known' issues this is generally the best route to go. VAs (Voluntary) get the 'harder' to place children which can be because they are older, sibling groups, disabilities, health issues, behaviour problems etc etc but they also get children that have to be placed out of county due to safety.

After 3 months post approval though you can go on the National register and local consortium (if they are part of one) and look further afield yourself through Be My Parent and Children Who Wait so you are not tied to your agency having to find a match for you.

Mel x

Mel x