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| Please don't judge me as I feel like scum already and couldn't feel anymore dark than I do. We went through our first cycle of ivf in the summer and couldn't believe it when we got a positive result and then went on to see a heartbeat at 7 weeks. Ecstatic would be an understatement and from feb to that point we had done everything by the book- we were blessed. We bought Things for our baby and planned what the nursery would look like, our lives were complete. Having had lots of bad luck recently we just thought that maybe our luck and lives were changing. I dreamt about holding our baby, changing it's nappy, holding it close, even secretly had a name planned!! I couldn't care less if it rained outside because this baby was our sunshine. Every morning I rubbed my belly and said good morning and every Friday driving home from work I said well done because we were one week closer to being together. Maybe it's my own fault for assuming all was ok, that I could possibly do this and that our luck in life had changed. We told our parents at 9 weeks which sent them into over excitement - and for what to break everyones hearts? We went for our 12 week scan and there was our baby, heart beating, wriggling and waving at us- just for a few minutes everything was perfect. Then our worlds came crashing down when we were told that the nt measurement would suggest downs syndrome. I'm not saying that was it for us, but the thought of our baby struggling broke my heart. I didn't believe it, the measurement must be wrong so we had blood tests which came back very very high levels. I wouldn't believe it I couldn't - I measured that scan photo over and over with a ruler - he had to be wrong. We had a cvs test done and there it was - our baby had downs and the bloods would indicate other issues too- why give us that hope, that nearly, our baby to give us a baby who was poorly? My heart felt as though someone had ripped it out. I would lose my arms and legs before losing my baby - but no such offer came. We have cried and cried and thought so hard- but in the end we realised that we couldn't put a baby, our baby our child through a life of pain, misery, suffering and potential operation after operation - what if something was to happen to us two then who would care for our child? We opted for a termination but i feel heart broke , lost, dark, wrong. if anyone knew me they would know that I feel so strongly about terminations and have always believed they were wrong, but now I feel such a liar, a cheat, a hypocrit - I used to pray every day that my dad would watch over us and keep our baby healthy and I was the one to sign the papers and end it all. I feel so lost, so lonely without our baby - I delivered our baby at 14 weeks and chose not to know it's sex because I thought it would make it worse knowing, but who am I kidding? As if i could feel any worse! I look at our scan, remember our baby waving and although I know I did it to protect our angel from a life of suffering and heartache I still feel like the worst person in the world- was that wave on the scan a hello or a goodbye? I miss you so much even though I didn't know you. It's only been 2 weeks but I'm no further forward- thought by posting on here I could just talk to myself really as each time I try and talk to anyone about it I just cry. I keep telling myself it was for the right reasons, but I know people will think differently but I just wish I could open my chest and show how broke. My heart is. I feel like I dont deserve a second chance and that there is no light at the end if the tunnel for me. Can't bring myself to go to where our angel has been cremated and scattered because I feel too ashamed but I also don't want our little one feeling abandoned because I will never ever forget or stop loving our little one. I don't really know why I have posted this, as I don't want sympathy or judging or anything really, just needed to let some of this out. |
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| kingtut |
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| Joined: 13 Oct 2004 |
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Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2010 6:26 pm |
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ohh smellycat,
I couldn't read and run. I can't even begin to imagine what your going through at the moment my heart breaks for you and I most certainly will not judge because only someone in your shoes can even begin to understand the emotions and feelings your going through right now.
Please be gentle on yourself and take time to grieve for your precious baby .
Take care
Leeann |
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| Hutchy |
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| Joined: 30 Aug 2007 |
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Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2010 8:22 pm |
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Smellycat
Please don't be so hard on yourself, you had to make a really tough decision and it isn't a decision that you thought you would ever have to make. Regardless of what anybody thinks about your decision it was your decision and it was right for you....
I feel your pain of loss so I know you are so heartbroken right now and are struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but having been there myself it does get easier with time although you may not feel like it will at the moment. It is early for you yet and you need to go through the grieving process.
Have you been offered any counselling through your hospital of midwife, I would recommend that you take any offer of help that you are given....
BIG HUGS....
Hutchy xx |
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TTC-10 YRS
Jun05-Nat-Rup Ect. Sep07-IVF-BFN, Mar08-ICSI BFN, Aug08 FET-BFP M/C 9 wks, Feb09 FET-BFN Aug09-ICSI-BFP Archie born too soon @ 19 wks 26.11.09 |
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Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2010 8:44 pm |
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Smellycat,
I couldn't just read and not respond, hun.
You poor, poor souls. What a dreadful experience you've been through. No parent should ever have to make such a decision - you're clearly a really caring person. If you didn't care so much you wouldn't be in such pain. By the way, there's no time limit for your grief so don't feel that you should be 'over it' in x amount of weeks. You've had a life-changing trauma.
I hope you and your DH (and your families) will pull together and be strong. Don't look back with regret - you did what you felt to be right and no one has the right to judge.
Sending you love & hugs.
lol
Reds
xx |
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Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:35 pm |
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Smellycat - Please don't be so hard on yourself. It is terribly sad that you & DH have been faced with these decisions & such heartbreak.
I feel your loss, having been there.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
It will take time, be gentle with yourself. Like Hutchy mentioned, do take the offer of counselling, if it is available to you. it will help to talk.
The biggest of cyber hugs x
Nicky x |
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| ShellyM |
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| Joined: 19 Aug 2004 |
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Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 7:03 pm |
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Smellycat - sending you hugs hun, what an awful decision for you to have to make. Please don't be hard on yourself, I never thought I would see the light at the end of the tunnel after my loss, although I will tell you what the others have said, it does get easier but as to when that happens everyone is different. Please please look after yourself and take comfort from your families.
love Shelly xx |
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6 x BFN
08 DE Spain - BFP!
Jun10 Nat miracle, Noah born asleep at 15 wks
Dec11 Nat Mir mc 6wks
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:47 am |
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Smellycat
Listen, I am at work so I can't type for long but I promise I will come back later. I know exactly and I mean exactly how you feel. This happened to me almost exactly a year ago, in fact this week was the week we had to make all the terrible decisions. Our baby also had Down's syndrome but something was picked up at the 20 week scan which led us down this path - our baby had a severe brain abnormality as as result of the Down's. We too had the terrible decision to make but I knew the minute she was diagnosed with Down's plus the ventriculomegaly that we could not subject her to a life of misery and that is what the doctors said it would be. So, we terminated our pregnancy at just under 22 weeks. I went through some terrible dark days and still do sometimes, at the moment I am worse because the anniversary is only 8 days away....but do I count the anniversary as the day we stopped her heartbeat or the day she was born? Not many ladies talk about termination on this board as it is such a difficult subject but you made the right decision for you and I promise you, absolutely promise you that as time passes the pain will ease. Nobody can judge another person until they have been put in your position and the decision making process is absolutely excruciating. I found it the worst bit I really did, I remember almost collapsing as I was walking down the hospital corridor knowing in my heart that I was going to terminate the one thing that meant so much to me and my family.
I will write more later. Please do not blame yourself. If I had to make the decision again I would do the same, I know I would. And I suspect that in your heart of hearts so would you. it is very raw at the moment and the pain is excruciating but it will fade in time...just not for a while yet.
I'll be back later....big big hugs from me.
Rosemummy |
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Rosemummy
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 6:20 pm |
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| Thank you so much ladies for your kind replies and thoughts. I know we will get there and that we are not alone but I just can't believe that life could be so cruel and mine and my DP hearts could feel like this - my chest physically aches sometimes. We have decided that when we go for our review appointment on 22nd December we are going to see where our little one has been sprinkled on Peter pan hill at grenocide crematorium - I just hope it's beautiful x I might even set a Chinese latern going for our baby as a bright light in the sky - the same bright light our baby gave us in our lives when we saw the scans and a heartbeat, a beautiful nose and a wave x |
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Last edited by smellycat on Tue Nov 16, 2010 7:32 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 11:24 am |
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Smellycat
You have been so much - I cant even imagine how you must be feeling. But you are being very brave and stronge and I am sure with time you will start to feel better and accept and believe that you made the right decision, because you have.
I have just had a missed miscarriage at 7 weeks and feel like my world is over and you have been through so much more. This is the first time I have ever got pregnant (3rd attempt of IVF) and still cant believe how cruel life and god is to make me pregnant and then take it away from me. But we have to remain stronge and carry on and hope and pray that one day our prays will be answered and we will be blessed with a healthly baby we can hold in our arms and take home. x |
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Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 2:28 pm |
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Smellycat
Nothing to add really other than to say that you have a lot of friends here and we are all wishing you feel better soon.
Also Inkydinky - big hug .
Take care .
H xxxxx |
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3 natural m/c's followed by 4 cycles of IVF/ICSI with NURTURE between 1999 and 2002. Daughter born in September 2002. |
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Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 6:06 pm |
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| Just reading replies from you all and noticed my ticker was still on the message above- made me shiver! Have now worked out how to remove it - yet another cruel twist! Inkydinky I am so sorry for your loss and send you big hugs x I hope you're right, and I keep wishing and praying that we will be very lucky and blessed by having a healthy baby to hold x I am certain we will and that our babies we have lost will be ready to meet us - I am trying to put this into a perspective that baby just wasn't ready yet but soon will be x x x |
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| esme |
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| Joined: 25 Aug 2010 |
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Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 6:28 pm |
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| I am so so sorry for you and your partner's sad loss. What a heartbreaking journey for you. I hope you find a way to put your feelings of guilt and shame aside; you have made an impossibly hard decision in a terrible situation and no one can wish you anything other than peace. I hope you and your wife can give each other the support you both need in this hard time, and that after some time of healing you will have kinder times ahead. x |
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| Robbo2 |
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2007 |
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Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 10:41 pm |
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Oh Smellycat
Have only just seen your post as not been on much lately. I could have written every word of your post myself 5 years ago. Felt exactly the same on absolutely everything you have written - but unfortunately nothing stops the sadness, guilt and heart ache - only time. At the time of our diagnosis I read every web site, every book on Downs before we made our decision. You have to remember that you did what was right for you. No-one can judge you as only you know your thoughts and feelings. Just wanted to send huge (((hugs))) and say that if you need anyone to talk to then please let me know and I'll post my e-mail address.
You will get through this - there are a few of us that can relate and hopefully help - Rosemummy for one - who I'm sure won't mind me saying that she too was in the same situation not so very long ago. Take your time assess your situation and see where you take it from here - you have lots to get through as its so early. Everyone is different. I couldn't wait to start treatment again but in hindisght I think it would have been too early if we had had a successful treatment so soon after our loss. We did carry on and we were blessed with our beautiful little boy. Please please let me know if you need someone to chat to. It's a long time ago and as I say time does heal and you will have hundreds of things whizzing around your head - I truly don't mind answering anything. I still think about our lost little one - not every day but pretty much most days. My thoughts are tinged with sadness and happiness. Sadness in that we lost our little one and never got chance to meet but happiness in the fact that if I hadn't gone through everything I would never have got the perfect little boy I have now.
Inkydinky - just wanted to say sorry for your loss also. Give yourself time and you will get through all of this - even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment.
Take care
Robbo x |
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Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:54 am |
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Smellycat
I am sorry that I didn' get back to you..things have been mad at work and I am quite tired in the evenings now. How are you feeling today? I found that I had really really bad days and some better days, but the main thing I found was that planning anything just made me stress out and made things worse. I found doing things spontaneously better for me. I did force myself to go out shopping etc and I forced myself to my duaghters nativity play knowing that she was my priority but that it would hurt like hell (and I'll tell you it really did) and I forced myself through Christmas and the funeral and I forced myself to try and get back into normal life. It was really tough but I got there. You will too, in time.
I went for some counselling at CARE and she said that at least you had the choice. Some ladies do not have the choice as their babies are born with severe disability without their prior knowledge. Only you can make that choice as a family unit. We chose (if choice is the right word) to terminate because of hte terrible implications of the findings and the impact that these would have not just on Rose but on our DD too and all of our lives, now and in the future, If we had never found out, and we may not have done if the brain problem wasn't picked up, we would have her here now and love her as we love our DD and we would have managed of course but it wouldn't be fair on anyone. The sacrifice you have made is the most unselfish thing that a parent can do. For all those people that say terminating a baby because of disability etc is selfish they do not know a thing about it unles they have been in our position. I still firmly believe that what we did was the ultimate show of parental love (and, indeed responsibility) and we were thinking about her to the very very end, even at the point we had her injected with potassium so she would not suffer during the labour. How I laid there and let that dr do that to our darling living child I will never realy know where that strength came from but we found it. I too understand that you signed the consent form and the guilt this comes with. I felt for a long time that it was solely down to me even though DH agreed with all the decisions, it was still me that signed her life away. I still feel that sometimes.
You will find that with support and time that the pain does ease. The other thing I foudn very hard to cope with was that I was also grieving for the future, about the real possibility that I may never be pregnant again adn all that may bring. I am lucky in the fact that I have a DD but still I grieved. Not having hope is a terrible thing and that is how I felt for quite a long time. Other ladies without fertility issues have that, at least. Once they feel emotionally adn physically ready they can try again and be successful - not so for us ladies. It isn't that easy and I found that very hard.
Enough from me now. I will keep popping back on. As Robbo said, if you wish to chat offline let me know and I will post my email address.
Inkydinky I am sorry for your pain too. You will find that you will recover and get there too, you just have to have the time.
xxx |
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Rosemummy
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Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 7:38 pm |
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| Robbo and rosemummy, I am so sorry for both of your losses and also thankyou for sharing your private feelings and stories with me. It is just so sad that the thing we all crave was given to us and then taken away from us. What you have both said rings true to me, how I feel and the up and down journey of emotions I have felt through all of this and continue to feel. I know that there are people out there who have suffered and far more than me in some cases, and keep trying to put all this into perspective in that sense. Our baby will always be with us, and we will never ever forget. Funny how things turn out, but what I keep focusing on is this is not the end and one day our baby will be with us and i can put it's tiny hand in mine and hold it close to my heart- one day I know this aching heart will no longer ache and it will beat with excitement. Thankyou so much for your messages and all the advice and kind thoughts x |
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| Ellie5 |
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| Joined: 12 Sep 2008 |
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Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 8:10 pm |
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Smellycat- I don't know what to say. We were in the 2ww together and you were a rock and for this to happen to somebody as lovely as you is so cruel. I have typed out words and keep deleting them because I don't know what to say. I am sat here crying I really feel for you and DP. I know how much this meant to you both and I can't begin to imagine what your feeling right now. I just want to say please don't feel guilty you did the right thing for baby and I would have done the same. Your little baby wont live a life of operations and illness.
I can't say anything to make you feel better apart from you are in my thoughts and like the girls said above who have also been there things ease in time. Its all very raw right now and please take good care of yourself and each other. Your dad will be watching over baby now and he/she will be safe with him. I think the lantern is a lovely idea.
I think counselling when your ready is something to consider. Im thinking of you hun xxxxxxxxxxxx |
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Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 8:38 pm |
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| Thankyou Ellie- yes we were in the 2ww together and was only talking about you the other day when I saw a post from you and saw your lovely scan picture x thank you for your kind words. Sometimes these things are sent to try us, and believe me it is, but I have to keep focusing on the fact that one day again I will be in that 2ww having a laugh again and jumping for joy! My DP and I are managing days without crying now, and being a rock for each other- really hoping to be able to emotionally manage the visit to the crematorium. How are you anyway? How are the little bumps doing? |
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| Robbo2 |
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| Joined: 14 Mar 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 9:28 pm |
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Hi Smellycat
Just wanted to let you know that I have read your messages. I'm goingon holiday tomorrow for 2 weeks but will catch up on how you are doing when I get back. Hang in there. It may not seem it at the moment but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Big (((Hugs)))
Robbo x |
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Posted: Sat Nov 20, 2010 5:19 pm |
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| Thank you Robbo - hope you have a fantastic holiday and have better weather than we are having now!! |
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| Ellie5 |
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| Joined: 12 Sep 2008 |
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Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 2:15 pm |
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| Hi smelly , hope every day is getting a little easier for you. You will be back in the 2ww when your both ready you will never forget this one im glad you and dp are supportin each other. Im ok thank you still feeling so paranoid all the time worried something will go wrong nervous about next scan. Your story is so sad I feel guilty talking about mine. I just wish that this didnt happen to you and nothing I say helps wish I could just make it better for you! How do you feel about the review? X |
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Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 4:18 pm |
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Hi Smellycat,
I have been searching the forum to see if there was any update from you and when i looked again today i came across your post.
Smellycat I really DO NOT know what to say, I am so sorry about what you have been through my heart goes out to you, i am sat here thinking of things to write to say but I know my words wont help at this point in time. I do hope in time the pain will ease and i am sending lots of thought and prays to you and your partner.
I am so so sorry
xxxx |
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Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 7:44 pm |
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Ellie - please do not feel guilty at all, you should be enjoying and celebrating your pregnancy. Dont get yourself worried about your scans - those little ones look happy and healthy to me, and you should be enjoying the rest and peace and quiet before those two bundles of joy arrive!! We are looking to the review as a stepping stone, and trying to stay positive and trying to get through all this - if i dont have a goal and something positive to look forward to i think i would go mad. So hard not to get obsessed by it all, but i keep saying to DP that we were very fortunate to be blessed with a pregnancy which many struggle to achieve, and our baby just wasnt ready, and so we have to look forward and be positive that our time will come and we will be fortunate again with a happy outcome. When is your next scan? How far gone are you now? So exciting heh?!!
Beauty - thank you so much for taking the time to find me on here. I didnt go back on the forum where i last posted because to be perfectly honest i didnt know what to say, and it didnt seem the right place to put our sad news on a board of hopeful women. I saw your post about your scans/tests and didnt want to reply incase i sent you into an unneccesary panic - apparently what has happened to us is 1:1000, so fear not you will be fine and baby will be perfect xx How are you doing anyway, and how is bump? Was saying to DP tonight that it seems so wierd having been on that 2ww with everyone and having such a laugh and so many happy stories and results, and now look at us!! I just hope that i can find a lucky 2ww thread when we eventually get back into that!!
Hugs to you both and hope all is well with you and bumps x |
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| Ellie5 |
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| Joined: 12 Sep 2008 |
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Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 8:28 pm |
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| Smelly- Im pleased that you seem a little more positive today. Like you say although you will never forget this baby you can do the IVF again and its happened once it will happen again and 1:1000 it isn't going to happen to you again. Stay in touch hun and im sure we can get you thru the next 2ww! I will be 18wks on Saturday and my next scan is the 9th Dec. Take every day as it comes. Maybe you could get a 'memory' box and put a few bits in so if you feel you need to be close you can open the box and then close it and think of the future and be positive. I know from the 2ww that your a fighter and you will get through this I know you will. xxxxx |
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Posted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 10:20 am |
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Smelly - I am ok thank you, i think the whole pregnancy for us all is a worry and i am trying my best to take each day as it comes and enjoy it, just very nervous as everyone on here it was a dream come to and its hard to not worry.. But i am trying my best to enjoy things..
I panic over anything and everything hence me posting re downs, results are all ok and i have to just stop and think sometimes and stop worrying so much which is hard, i am a worrier over anything.. Even worrying in the 2ww when i couldnt go toilet.. lol.. i was thinking it may come out the other end in the end, see exactly ME = WORRIER!! lol
I really hope when your next in your 2ww that your find some lovley ladies who dont mind talking about number 2s.. lol..
I really hope in time you and DP have some happy news again and focusing on the review appointment and what next is defo something to keep your mind from wondering.. Stay positive smellycat were all here supporting you each of the way.. I hope in time your pain eases..
xx |
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Posted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:35 pm |
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Well here we are again on a rollercoaster. For the last couple of days I have felt more upbeat and focused on the positive days ahead, but tonight I'm on my own because DP has gone to watch the football and I feel lonely and sad. All the things that we bought for our baby are in a drawer in the what would have been nursery, and I keep getting the stupid urge to go and look in the drawer - go and look at our perfect beautiful baby on the scan picture, and go and fold all the sleep suits (again!) but I know that all that will happen will be I will cry and feel even worse! I am trying so hard to focus on the positives and what lies ahead, but it's hard, so hard. I have a friend at work who is pregnant and due 3 days before I was, and we have grown quite close because of our pregnancies, but now I can't even think about her being pregnant because I feel so sad about us- is that wrong? I would never wish this on anyone, but I can't seem to be happy about seeing her bump grow or seeing her pull up her new maternity trousers or telling me about her hormones. I know that sounds terrible but all I keep thinking is that it should be me being hormonal, and it should have been me getting my maternity trousers. I'm not a selfish person normally, nor am I a downbeat person but sometimes it's so hard.
Anyway I have done the ironing, made packed lunches for work tomorrow, put some washing away and now made a cup- hoping I can relax now I have 'talked' on here and not put myself through the pain of opening that drawer. I love you little one and hope you know how much x |
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