CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

Stella Star · 24 May 2010

Hi ladies,

It is so heartbreaking to see so much heartache. So we can share it here.
Sorry Nicster - jumped in here before you. Smile

Last night my DH told me it would be better if we go separate ways. Just what I need right now. On top of everything I have to think about this. I feel tired. Exhausted. Need to do all housework that was left behind in 2ww and all I want is to cuddle up under the duvet and not wake up.
Sorry girls, but need to talk to someone.
x Sad

I hope your partners are much better suppor in this than mine.
LOL to every broken heart.
xxxx

H&K · 02 Jan 2011

Stella Star - I cant believe your DH has said that to you! I know he is hurting, but you are hurting too, and he has said that at the worse possible time, when all you needed was his support!
I know what a strain IVF can be and I have even said to my DH do you want to go and find someone else who can give you babies, I think probably just to see his reaction! But he said he didnt want anyone else.
I think part of it is that you are hurting so much and so angry that you just lash out at the nearest person, and that is what he has done to you. And if no one else knows about your IVF, Then maybe he hasnt got anyone to talk to about it? so takes his frustrations out on you.
Dont get me wrong im not trying to defend him, and I really hope you can get through this very difficult time, and talk to him about the level 1 & 2 tests, there is still so much hope!
Stella I want to give you a big ((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am thinking of you and if you need to vent, then we are here to listen, Take Care

Lots of love

Helen xxxxx

Pinkrose · 06 Jan 2011

HOw long will it be before we can go again?..Got to ring Care tomz x

Stella Star · 24 May 2010

Hi Helen,
Thank you for your message. I think deep in my heart I know you are right. I know he took it out on me. It doesn't hurt less though. I am hoping we can get through this and be happy. There is nothing I want more than that. Your words mean a lot to me. xxxx

Pinkrose, I think you have to have 3 periods if I am right. Including this one. I am hoping to have another go in may/june. My review appointment is on 28th feb - so will tell you more then. Hope you are taking it easy. LOL xxx

H&K · 02 Jan 2011

They told me last time that you have got to have 3 peroids before you can cycle again including the one you are having now, so it should be end of april beginning of may ?! xxx

Helen xxx

H&K · 02 Jan 2011

Stella - your welcome! We are all here for you xxx

Helen xxx

nicster · 19 Aug 2010

Hi Girls,

Are you ready for this its going to be a long one!.

First of all, ive been thinking about all of you over the weekend, knowing what an awfull weekend you would have had. Stella Im truly sorry you and your dh are having a tough time, I can definately sympathise with that, me and mine have had a very tough time too ! Helen, Mrs Boz and Pinkrose, I know even if your DH's have been really suportive it still hurts like hell and you feel completely bereft, and like youve let them down.

Well AFM, Friday was the most horrendous day, I just couldnt have felt any lower, everything was black and I couldnt see a way out, my DP was adamant that there was no way we were going through this again even if it meant us splitting up there was no way he was doing it again, I cried and cried and cried some more, he went out and I felt the lonliest I have ever felt. Saturday morning it was the same, I was in the darkest place and it scared me to death, all of a sudden I wasnt in control and that scared the hell out of me, I have to be in control or I just cant cope, so I knew I had to find a way through, I had to get some logic back.

The first thing I did is sit down and talk to Dp again, I pleaded with him to just give me 5 months, this will take me up to my 40th birthday, I asked him to just support me for just 5 months longer and let me have one more fresh cycle and one FET (god willing) If it didnt work I would be 40 and Phycologically I would be in a different place by then, I would be more willing to accept that I had tried everything and given it my best shot, I said to him what had we got to loose, because if he wouldnt give me this one last chance we would be doomed anyway because, I would resent him and be unhappy and he would resent me .! At least this way there was a chance we might come out of it with our dream. And after all what was 5 months out of a lifetime ! I have asked him to just think about it, not to give me an answer yet but just to think about it. Even just knowing he will think about it has made such a difference, it has made me feel there is hope.

The other problem was that I couldnt get a review appointment with my doctor till 22nd May, 3 months away ! so I have took the bull by the horns with that one aswell and I have emailed him direct and asked him if there is any way he can see us earlier, any day, any time, any place !

Ive also decided to find out as much information as possible about failed cycles, so Im armed with as much info as possible when i go for my review.

I cant tell you how much better I feel by getting a bit more control and focus back, not sure how long it will last but for know, ive got hope, ive got a plan, ive got timescales, ive got direction, all I need now is for DP to say yes !

I just wanted to tell you all this, and just to maybe say that no matter how bad we are feeling now, there is light at the end of the tunnel and only we can make things happen.

We need to get some positivety back and believe that we are all going to go through it again and we are all going to be there for eachother and we are going to get a BFP.

Not sure if ive got this right but im sure when i asked about starting agin after my last faileed cycle I was told you had to have one more period after this one then you could start, I might have got that wrong though.

Come on girls we can do this xxx

Nicster xx

H&K · 02 Jan 2011

Nicster - Sounds like you have been through the mill this weekend, but i'm glad you can finally see some light at the end of the tunnel, which consultant are you seeing? is it george? Im seeing George and could'nt get in till 10th May x Are you going to look into having the level 1 and 2 immune tests done? That is the route we are going down as then we know we are going to have our best shot next cycle. xx
I've been to lunch today at my mum and dad's and my sister-in-law was there who is 7 months pregnant, I thought I would be fine, and I was, while I was there with her, but since i've been home I just feel so down and just want to cry my eyes out! It's just not fair is it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Helen xxx

nicster · 19 Aug 2010

Oh helen it's just so tough isnt it, why is it at times like this the world is full of pregnant women and babies !

I'm under Simon fisher at Nottingham. The problem I've got with the immune tests is that me and dp both conceived naturally before we met so no actual fertility issues for either. When we met dp had had a vasectomy, we had it reversed but only partially successful hence ivf, then bingo bfp on our first attempt and we've got a gorgeous healthy two year old so we know it can work. Then there is the mystery of the two failed attempts ! So don't know if immune issues can suddenly occur or if it's implantation problem ! I'm desperate for some answers !

Are you going down the immune route ? X

Nicster x

H&K · 02 Jan 2011

Oh I know, everywhere I turn there seems to be pregnant women and babies, even when I turn the tv on! Nightmare!!
Maybe its worth asking if these issues can suddenly occur?! I have no idea really?! Its a route I want to take as it may produce answers? And I seem to have no answers at the moment so I feel it is something I can grasp onto! I am probably grasping at straws, but it gives me hope, that if there is something wrong, it could be corrected, and then we would be able to have our much wanted baby!

Helen xxx

nicster · 19 Aug 2010

Morning ladies, how is everyone feeling today x

Helen I think you are right to have those tests, there are lost of ladies on here who it makes a big difference for. Have you got the zita west book, there is some info in there on them. The good thing is Hun, ur young and you've got age on your side x

Nicster x

jomosh · 03 Feb 2011

Hi Girls
I hope you don't mind me joining you, I know a few of you from the February 2ww.
I have my follow up consultation on the 24th.
I have only skipped through a few of the posts so I will catch up on each of you later.
I was told to wait 2 months so not sure whether I am able to try again in April or May but looking at your posts it would appear May would be the logical option. Plus it gives me and the DH time to save up again.
Nicster I'm am sending you a big hug. Which clinic are you with to have to await so long for your review?
I rang on my OTD and got a review within 2 weeks, I am through Manchester.
Anyway speak soon
love to all
Jo xx

jomosh · 03 Feb 2011

Sorry nicster I've caught up now. Still can't understand why you have to wait so long for a follow up though. You would have thought this was part of the same cycle and get you in asap.

I've been reading a lot about thse immune tests and wonder whether to mention this at my review. I can't afford to pay for them however so would need to plead with my gp and give him the 'I've had to pay for my IVF, you can pay for tests' strategy. Another route is getting a staff discount (I work for CARE sisters group so can get my tests done there) however it still costs a huge amount of money even with a discount.

I have been pregnant a long time ago (no children) so would the tests be of any use to me? I'm sure I had some of them in the lead up to my infertility exploration tests.

I have recent tattoos so if I had a problem with clotting I'm sure I would know about it or am I barking up the wrong tree?

I have other issues like being overweight and PCOS so I will mention all this too. It's like a puzzle that is never ending isn't it.

Ps my DH just wants me to be happy so I am really lucky but your right nicster, it still hurts x

Jo x

nicster · 19 Aug 2010

Welcome jomosh, so sorry for your recent bfn, was this your first cycle ? I really don't know much about the immune tests but I think I read somewhere that you have to have had a couple of failed cycles before they recommend them. I'm at Nottingham, but believe it or not I had a phonecall from care this morn and my email must have done the trick because guess what? Simon Thornton will see me tomorrow afternoon ! So tonight I'm going to do my homework and get my list of questions ready x

Nicster x

Pinkrose · 06 Jan 2011

Hi Ladies,

Nicster Im loving you taking control..I am very much like that cannot stand not being in control!!

I also feel alot more upbeat today as I have spoken to care and have my reveiw on the 10th March (feel quite lucky when I see your dates Nicster) and they said on the telephone I can look at going again on my next period..yeh!! I have very irregular periods so the thought of having 3 was gutting it could be months!!! so feel really pleased with that.
I have decided to not tell anyone when we go again as I dont want any pressure..although I will be on here still. She was so lovely on the telephone she nearly made me cry again but managed to hold it back!

I hope everyone else is finding strengh and Stella I hope you bloke starts to support you more..you so need at this time.

Nicster Im so pleased you manged to talk you DP round!!.

Helen, I totally know where you are coming from as I know about 26 people who are pregnant!!!! but clinging on to my last childless friend and planning lots of nights out in the next few weeks to try and focus on the good things I have.

I have got a lot of really good things in my life so I have decided to concentrate on enjoying them all till its my turn to be a Mummy.

nicster · 19 Aug 2010

Hi Pinkrose,

Im so glad you are feeling more positive hun, its amazing how much better you can feel when you look forward. Technically my DP hasnt exactly agreed to going through with it again but put it this way I am optimistic. Not sure if you noticed on my post to jomosh, care called me this morning and Simon Thornton has agreed to see us tomorrow, obviously the email worked ! just hope he can give us some answers. So do you think you will cycle again in April ? youve got a snow baby on ice havent you ?

Helen, how are you today ?

Mrs Boz, how are you feeling hun, have you gone back to work ? have you got a review yet.

Stella, hows things with you and dh, any better, ive been thinking about you.

Wonder how jojo got on, im pretty sure today was her OTD. fingers crossed.

Lots of love to you all. xx

Nicster xx

Mrs Boz · 06 Jun 2010

Hi All

Good to continue to catch up on here. Well I had the worst nights sleep last night that I've had in ages, really bad hot sweats over the last couple of nights and a banging headache over the last few days - I've still got it today also - maybe need to drink more water - not sure whether this is because the medication has stopped!! Was also dreaming about JoJo1 and hoping that she got a positive result as Nicster, you are right and it is her OTD today. I really hope she lets us know, no matter what the outcome.

First day back at work today after a very emotional weekend. I'm allright one minute and then feel really low and crying the next but am so pleased that I went back to work today. I had a few tears first thing but knew by 11am that I'd done the right thing.

As it would have been my OTD tomorrow, I've got to test again tomorrow (what joy!!!) and will then riing up CARE and ask for a review appt. Will let you all know when it is.

My DH has been very supportive bless him and wants to go again as soon as we're able to, but has also said that it may happen naturally as you hear that it sometimes does straight after a cycle so has said that he's looking forward to working on it!!! Must say, I am also Embarassed

Nicster - liking the control, I think it helps as it gives you something to focus on. Don't be so hard on yourself though, you've been through a lot. Can't believe you've got your appointment tomorrow - it just shows if you're a bit assertive what you can achieve. Good Luck and I hope you're able to get some answers and make some progress. Will your DP be going with you?

Pinkrose - pleased that you're also feeling more positive and upbeat and that you've not got very long to wait for your review appointment.

Anyone have a drink over the weekend then? I had one glass of wine on Saturday night. Cried throughout opening the bottle and drinking it as it brought home to me why I was able to drink wine!!! Decided to only have one glass as I also didn't want to undo all the good work that I'd done over the last couple of months also.

Take care everyone and look forward to hearing how we all progress with our individual journeys.

Lovel to all.

Mrs Boz
xx

nicster · 19 Aug 2010

Hi mrs boz, lovely to hear from you, I can understand you being up and down at the minute, it just sort of hits you every know and then doesnt it. It's strange that you should say that about the wine because I was exactly the same, I'd got a bottle in the fridge but couldnt bring myself to open it on Friday, made up for it on Saturday though !

Yes dp is coming with me to the review, it's strange considering what he was like last week, he's been great the last couple of days, we went out for a lovely meal last night it was so nice to spend some quality time together and yes like you I am looking forward to some natural baby making !

Hope you get a quick review appointment Hun, I'll let you know how I get on x

Nicster x

JoJo1 · 10 Sep 2010

Hi Girls, lovely to catch up with you all again......I can't believe how supportive you have all been and I really look forward to following your journeys xx I can't believe you were dreaming about me Mrs Boz? It's so lovely to know you have been thinking about me today and as you will know from my post on our old thread I did get a faint positive line which the nurse said is definately a positive result.

I am so glad you are all feeling a lot more positive and Nicster - good luck for your review tomorrow, hope all goes well and you will start again soon xxx

Mrs Boz - hope work is better for you tomorrow and you start to feel stronger. Hope you get your review appt soon xxx

Helen / Pinkrose / Stella - hope you are all ok? Not long till your review Pinkrose and Stella I hope your situation with your DH has improved.....thinking about you hun xxx Nice to catch up with you Helen also xxx

Hi to Jomosh, sorry to hear your news but hope your feeling stronger and your review goes well in a couple of weeks. I'm at Manchester also and they have been absolutely lovely each time I have been there or phoned xxx

Lots of love to everyone, catch up soon xxx

jomosh · 03 Feb 2011

HI,

Nicster yes it was my first cycle. I have 3 day 6 blasts in the freezer so I am remaining positive. I hear good things about 2nd cycles and FET so bring on April/May.

And.... good for you to make a fuss, you go girl Smile

. What's the verdict of your consultation?

Just thought I'd share that you can buy the Zita West book for a couple of quid on ebay. I might hold off buying it myself until after I've been to see the consultant.

Jojo which consultant are you seeing? I have changed consultants from my first visit, is this normal? I have Mr Sedlar now. They are really so nice all of the nurses and staff that I have seen so far.

H&K my colleague is getting fatter and it's nothing to do with eating too much, she keeps asking people why I am not talking to her. Ooops, not her fault but still a bit raw from last week. Hope she goes on maternity very soon lol xx

Mrs Boz, I've nearly killed a few of my colleagues already this week. I was ok last week but I'm getting itchy feet now, wanting to get back into my cycle. They are getting fed up with me using my hormones as an excuse but they are not friends if they can't accept my pain.

Speak soon Jo

Stella Star · 24 May 2010

Hi Girls,

First of all - (but I've said it on a different thread) - congratulations Jo! You saved our thread!!! xxx

I can relate to all the feelings that you all are going through. I it so hard to stay positive and to start thinking about next steps.
Like you Mrs Boz - I am having troubled sleep and headache. On top of that I have really bad lower back ache. Thinking to go to see GP as it is getting worse. I have been having mad dreams - last one was that my DH admitted having an affair!!! My mind is really playing up with me...

Yes - story of my DH - he went to work on sunday and we didn't speak in the morning, then when he got back, he gave me a hug. That in his language means sorry. I was so relieved. it doesn't mean we are over the worst, as I am not sure if we are going to have this last go. I know it is too early for big decisions and he needs bit of time to 'cool down'. I have told him about review appointment on monday, and I asked him, that if I write some questions on the piece of paper, if he will think about them. So untill monday, we are not going to decide on anything and will talk about finances and what we do then.
I understand feelings about everyone around being pregnant. It is like if we had a special antenae to 'spot pregnant lady' Smile

Unbelievable!!! until now, it didn't bother me that much, but just recently I am starting to feel upset, hurt, angry when I see someone with bump or 3 kids hanging onto a shopping trolley.
Nicster, I am glad things are better. You kind of inspired me to be stronger. Thank you for that. You are right, best way is to look forward and hope it will work out. xxx I can't wait to hear what you come back with from your interview. I hope it will go as you wish it to go. xxx
Pinkrose - I feel positivity in your post. That's good. Hope you next one comes soon. so you can get on with it. xxx
Jomosh - like you, I have been pregnant when young (and no kids) so I have same questions in my head. Thinking what has changed since then. I have read about ladies having kids when young, then trying later - no success and discovering imune issues. Suppose without those tests we will never know. there will be lot of questions to ask on monday. I am in Manchester, so if it only took 2 months - that would be great. xxx
Helen - hope you are ok .xxx

Till next time ladies, sending you lol xxx

nicster · 19 Aug 2010

Hi Ladies,

Hope you are all ok today x

Jomosh, thats great that you have got your lovely snow babies just waiting for you, your right there seems to be some really positive stories about FET.

Stella, honey youve really been through the mill, I hope you can see some light at the end of the tunnel and I really hope you and your DH can see a way through this together, I sure does test a relationship doesnt it.

Helen, Pinkrose, Mrs Boz, what has today bought for you all ?

AFM. Well I went for my review today and it wasnt what I expected at all. Simon was lovely, he started off very positive about the first part of the cycle, he said that I responded very well to the stimmulation, he said that I the average number of mature eggs that women achieve is 8, so by me getting 9 then that was above average and excellent for a women of my age (39), he also said that the sperm seemed fine and the fertilisation rate was on the average scale aswell. He is confident there are no immune issues because of past pregnancy and doesnt think that any further tests are needed. Thats all the positive, heres the not so positive bit, I had four fertilsed eggs, 1 grade 2 7 cell went back in, obviously didnt work ! the next best egg was a grade 2 6 cell, apparantly that arrested on day three and never got past that stage ! the other two that were only 4 cells on day three interestingly did well and almost made it to blast, they got to the compacted blast stage, Nearly is not quite though is it .... so basically out of four fertilised eggs not one would have been a viable pregnancy, this is the interesting bit, when I asled him why he said that basicaly that is the case, in any average women 50-75% of her eggs could be not viable for whatever reason usually they are not genetically competent and basically IVF is all a lottery of happening to produce eggs that are ok and happening to pick the right eggs to put back, and this is very much luck as they cant tell this by just looking at them. He likened it to throwing a dice and basically said that to get lucky you have to throw a five or a six . I asked him if I would be wasting my time and money trying again and he said no because it was possible it could work, but it would basically be down to luck.

So as you can imagine I am in a very strange place, I really dont know how I feel, Have I already had my quota of luck, who knows, I dont know what I expected today, but i certainly didnt expect quite the honesty I got.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on it girls.

Nicster xx

Stella Star · 24 May 2010

Hi Nicster,
I am sorry you didn't get answers you were waiting for. It's so unfair. isn't it - that it comes down to luck!!! I have a feeling that I will be told the same. To be honest, he could say to you to go ahead with tests, you'd spend lot of money, and it would all be ok. I know how hard is it to trust their opinion, but I would be tempted to do so (if you had baby with someone else, and when you were younger, think that would be different thing, but you and your DP already have a baby, so that proves, you two can). It is hardest decision, isn't it? Think best thing is to relax (I know - easier said than done), look after yourself and enjoy time between next cycle with your family. I hope you do decide to have one more go, as if you don't, you probably will think - what if... I am sorry hun, don't know what else to say. Just that I am here for you if you need to talk and sending you big, big, hug.

LOL stella xxx

JoJo1 · 10 Sep 2010

Hi All

Thanks again everyone for your good wishes, I've put a post on our other thread.

Nicster - hope your feeling ok hun? Like Stella said at least he was honest which could save you a lot of money. Very weird about the luck...that sounds a bit strange and hard to take in. You must remember that you responded very well to the stimulation so no reason why that won't happen again plus the fertilisation rate was good. Hope things work out for you and will be thinking about you xxx

Jomosh - yes my consultant changed too, my initial consultation was with Mr Lowe and then Mr Sedler did the EC & ET so not sure who I will see next? Maybe none of them as scan booked for 7 March. Your right though they are lovely and Mr Sedler was fantastic along with the nurses who are also brilliant. Hope you start your next cycle soon, lots of luck xxx

Stella - glad your DH has come round, hope you are feeling much better and looking forward to your review? xxx

How is Pinkrose & Mrs Boz - hope your reviews go well xxx

Catch up soon xxx

nicster · 19 Aug 2010

Morning ladies x

Thankyou for the advice Stella and jo, I think you are both right in what you say, Stella you were spot on with the regretting it if I don't try again, that's probably exactly how I feel. Think if I did try again I'd have a very different approach, think I would make sure that I wasn't as obsessional about it and make sure that it didn't impact so much on the family I have got, I would try and be more, what will be will be ! Famous last words ! Simon said that I only need 1 more period then I can start 18 days after that and on the short protocol again so that would be April. Going to enjoy the next few days/ week Ivf free and then make a decision.

Stella it sound like you've got such alot going on in your head linked both to the past and now, I really do feel for you Hun and wish I could do more x

Lots of love to you lovely ladies and babies (jo)

Nicster xx