CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

Hel75 · 13 Apr 2010

Hi, not been on here for a while but felt the best place to come for advice/support...
Quick update- had 3 cycles of ICSI last year (2 fresh, 1 FET) All good responses but all BFN's. The thought of IVF again makes me nervous and have been thinking more about adoption. Even if we did go for IVF again,only enough funds for 1 more go. But I'm in 2 minds about it all, some days feel positive and ready for adoption, other days I think will i regret not using last bit of money saved for last intended go....? Heads in pieces!
DH up for adoption but would like to adopt child with disability so as not to feel its 2nd best choice but a completely different situation (doesn't mean it as in adoption 2nd best), I would consider child with disability but don't want to rule out other children.
Any advice welcome!!!! Sorry if message seems bit blunt but need to get it off my chest as it is, reading it back not sure i've expressed myself well but feel VERY confused and down - maybe starting to mourn the baby i probably won't ever have...

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Hi Hel

Only you and your DH can decide whether to go through more ivf or not and as far as tx goes the only advice I have is don't have any regrets. If you need to do that final cycle to get closure then thats what you need to do, if you don't spend the money on ivf it will come in very handy with adoption or even just having a nice holiday together or something Smile

Adoption is another rollercoaster and you do need to have come to terms with not having a birth child as there will be many times when you have to discuss your infertility and then later on when children are placed when you least expect it it will raise its head.

People arrive at adoption, not as a result of it being second best, but because they decide a family is more important than chasing a dream that may never happen. The more 'issues' you can consider the more children that will be open to you but any child you adopt will give you a different parenting experience from a birth child, being an adoptive parent is very different in a lot of ways from being a birth parent. Towards the end of home study you go through a matching criteria form where you can say yes, no or will discuss to many many issues eg visual impairment, learning difficulties, drug/alcohol use, mobility limitations, Downs. This gives you the chance to say what you think you can cope with, after much training and reading, but is only used as a guideline for matching.

Right now my advice would be to take some time out and give yourselves chance to think about the path you want to take next. Theres nothing stopping you from contacting LAs and getting some info on adoption while you are thinking about things but it may be worth just having a complete break for a few months. It is a big decision to make and not one you can make over night so take your time and talk to each other. Feel free to ask any questions.

Good luck
Mel x

Hel75 · 13 Apr 2010

Hi Mel,
Really appreciate your response. I didn't mean for it to sound as if we saw adoption as second best, DH was meaning he doesn't want it to feel 2nd best. My sister once said "one way or another you'll be a mum and have a family" and think that's how we're feeling- that the important bit is having a family, not being pregnant etc.
Really appreciate your response,helpful to know the matching criteria isnt at the beginning so we've chance to really think about what we can cope with (both have worked with children with additional needs, not sure if could do as a job and at home).
May take you up on your offer of any questions in the future!
Thank you,
Helx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Hel, I'm so sorry to read about all you have been through, I imagine you must feel emotionally rung out and yet still that burning passion to become a Mummy runs through the core of you.......we have all been there and can really empathise with you.

Mel has given such good advice and in fact it is very similar to the great advice she gave me 3plus years ago. We all have to arrive at the point to adopt at very different times and places and for some they don't and we nver judge them. Also don't worry about how the terms you use at this point because at some point we must have all seen adoption as second best. The thing is it is but haven't you ever got the second job you applied for or the second house you went for and suddenly gone 'Oh my god this is the one I was meant to get all along'! Well, this is how I see my child. He was always the one I was meant to get.

I do think looking at both and seeing which one feels right at the same time is a good way to go. The over riding thing Mel says is 100% right...don't have any regrets.

Re the decision to take on a child with disabilities, make sure your husband is not being too 'Nice' about it all. Your child is the one meant for you, able, disabled, boy, girl, TWINS...one of us got beautiful twins!! Whatever you decide let us know, its nice to know the outcome and support the journey.

Good luck
Elizabeth
xxxx

Lady B · 25 May 2009

Hel5,

There's nothing i can add because I think Mel has covered everything but just wanted to wish you all the best. We went through 3 rounds of IVF before we chose adoption and it's the best decission we ever made! If we won the lottery tomorrow we still wouldn't use the money for IVF. We have learnt so much through the adoption process and found out what a wonderful thing it is and met so many amazing families!

I would agree with Mel and say you really do have to be ready for adoption as it is just as much of an emotional rollercoaster so you either need to use the money for your last attempt so you can never look back and sy what if? or if you fel you have had your last attempt, go on a big holiday, get your head round everything and come home refreshed and ready to jump on the new rollercaoster.

What ever you decide I wish you all the best and hope you do become a Mummy one day wether it's by IVF or adoption. Good luck and feel free to stick around on here xxx

Hel75 · 13 Apr 2010

Knew it was the right place to come for advice - thanks all!
Elizabeth- love the outlook that sometimes 2nd choices turn out to be the best - so true! Dont think DH is just being 'nice' think he feels he'd be 'giving back' and has worked in childrens homes for kids with disabilities and feels quite passionately about it, but its definitely something we need to discuss more. Glad to hear its all worked out for you. x
Becky - glad to hear adoption was best decision you've ever made! And I think I will stick around as BB is always such a great support.
Thanks all!
Hx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Hel

So pleased you have found our posts helpful.
My BIL has adopted children with disabilities, having both worked in SEN schools, and I take my hat off to them. I volunteered a long time ago at a SEN holiday club and knew from the hard work involved that I couldn't cope on a daily basis. It may be too much work and home so definitely worth talking about in depth first - which I would expect a SW would want to do anyway during homestudy.

Do stick around, there are a number of us at different stages that will be able to give you our experiences and thoughts on most things adoption related.

Good luck with your decision.
Mel xx

Hel75 · 13 Apr 2010

Hi,
Just an update.... think we'd pretty much made up our minds when i posted on here really (definitely 90%!) So after a bit more time to clarify our thoughts i rang and spoke to a duty worker and have received info pack and sent slip back.... so here goes! Feeling really positive about it all and thankyou all for your advice! Will no doubt be back asking for more advice at some point!!!!!
Hel x

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Well, this is where it all starts......

Just spent a wonderful day playing with 7 adopted children from aged 1 - 8 and that is only half of the adoption angels brood....it is growing all the time...so it really does result in children.

Would anyone of guessed they were adopted....not at all...they are all weirdly like their Mummies.

What brave brave children...that is how I described them to little D when we were driving to meet them..some for the 2nd or 3rd time, some for the first. I said we are going to play with some very special children, some very brave children. When we got there, little D shouted...'Come out children...I here to play'!! They all played, laughed and squabbled like they knew each other for years. We hope they will know each other for years too.

You will never, ever look back!!

Well done and enjoy the sometimes bumpy ride, the destination is worth every second.

Elizabeth
xxx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Well done Hel on taking that first but MASSIVE step!

Elizabeth, good to hear today went well, wish I could have been there. It is amazing how our kids all just get on together isn't it? No matter what they have been through they just want to play and have fun and its fantastic to see how happy and settled they all are. My best friend said to me yesterday that she still finds it incredible that DS is so like me.

Mel x

katherine p · 19 Jun 2006

Elizabeth are you saying I'm a diva like my daughters:: Laughing

Hel well done on that first step, I personally found that the hardest.

As Elizabeth said some of us with our angels met up today and it is wonderful to see all the adopted children together and so like their forever families, its spooky but fab!

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Diva....haha... cough cough cough...Noooooo Kate!!!!!!!!!!!

So does this mean.......loud and non stop babbling like my little D?????????????????? Surely not!!!

Elizabeth
xxx

Elizabeth hope · 20 Oct 2007

Hel...what we are saying is.....get ready to see your character reflected right back at you in your child.

Good luck for all your first steps....your children are not as far away as you think. Our first ever meeting was the day on which little D was due...we didn't know that but how spooky. Especially as I said to DH when we came out that our child could be out there now or just about to be born. When I spoke to Foster Carer the first day I met little D she told me the due date...he was a little bit late being born...it made me tingle.

Elizabeth
xxx

Hel75 · 13 Apr 2010

Loving all your comments and just affirms we have made the best decision possible! Quite excited about the whole process (along with nervous obviously!!!)
I'll keep you posted,thanks for all your comments and support.
Hx

Hel75 · 13 Apr 2010

Very giddy and somewhat nervous..... INITIAL VISIT THURSDAY 26th MAY!!!!

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Well done Hel Smile

Initial visits are informal chats to see what you have to offer and to give you more information about the process and beyond. They should ask things like how you came to adoption, number of children you are interested in, ages etc but don't worry, at this stage nothing is set in stone, as you go through prep courses and HS your views on ages, numbers and issues can change drastically.

Keep us posted.
Mel x

vonny · 01 May 2006

Well done Hel and good luck for 26th, the only thing I would add is to mention this little group of 'on-line friends' who can offer you so much support - I have found that all the sw's we are involved in are really impressed by this, the support DH & I have gained by the 'adoption angels' group and the potential support the little ones may get at some point in time by meeting other children who have been adopted.

All the best,
Vonny
x

Hel75 · 13 Apr 2010

Thanks Mel & Vonny, really helpful to know what to expect. Found the BB support throughout IVF invaluable and looking like it will be for this process too- so glad I posted!! Can I come over and join the 'adoption angels' thread even though I haven't really started??
I appreciate this support SO much and wondered if there are any DH's that would be happy to share email address/facebook with my DH as I feel he hasn't got as much support as me and think it would be really good for him to have someone to email or private message on facebook who is going/been through the adoption process...
Thanks again...
Helen xxx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Hi Hel

Definately come and join the Angels hun, I'll add you to the front page Smile

The support is great and there are people at all different stages so there will always be someone who can answer any questions and offer support.

Unfortunately my DH has never been one for 'talking', he has a couple of male friends from the prep course we were on, but its always been me that does the research, the support, the meetings etc through ivf and adoption.

Just a thought but you could ask at your visit if the agency doing buddying where they can put you in contact with people that have already adopted and can offer some face to face support.

Mel x