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 Posted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 6:53 pm |
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Hi
I wasnt sure what thread to talk to so I thought I would start my own. I lost my baby when I went for my 8 week scan. I was looking at it on the screen its little arms and legs one moment the next I was being told sorry there is no heart beat or movement. That was 2 weeks ago and I feel like I am breaking in half. I cant thank my local hospital enough for the care and consideration that was shown to me when I went for the proceedure to have the baby taken away. They were amazing. I am now though wondering how to move on. Can anyone help. I cry every day. Today I went out for the first time and really struggled to cope with prams I just wanted to come home. I am staying with my parents at the mo for a while as i am a single lady and dont fancy being home alone.
Is there anyone out there that can give me some help to move on.
Thanks
sar xx |
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Posted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 7:38 pm |
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| Sar I am so sorry for your loss. I can't give you any words to make you feel better, but what I will say is it gets easier - I never thought it could or would, but now I can look at my scan photo and the other things we had and I don't cry but instead look forward to the day when we get our chance. Take time out and do what you feel is right for you. Thinking of you and sending my love x |
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Posted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 8:14 pm |
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Thanks Smellycat. How many weeks were you and how long ago was it? Have you thought about what your next step is? Do you want to try again? I am not sure as of yet as to whether i could go through all this again and there is the money issue too as i didnt have any eggs to freeze and i am 40 so i dont know how that stands either. So many questions so many mixed answers.
I know deep down that something must not have been right and it was nothing i did as I did everthing by the book but you cant help wondering why me?
I am so sorry that yu too have had to go through this and i hope that we both get to smile again very soon. Thanks Sar xx |
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Posted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 8:27 pm |
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| Mine was back end of October last year and we found at the 12 week scan there was a problem - after tests we made the decision to end the pregnancy at 14.5 weeks when I delivered our baby. At the time I couldn't possibly see any way forward but I did and we have - we have done another cycle and are due to test tomorrow. Please take some time and grieve, I promise I gets easier x |
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Posted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 8:36 pm |
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| Oh what a journey I am deeply sorry. I am crossing every finger for you that all comes out positive. Let me know how you get on tomorrow. xxx |
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Posted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 8:44 pm |
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| It does get easier and I think the one thing that helped me was believing that things happened for a reason, and if I could get pregnant once I could do it again - I just realised that our baby just wasn't ready to meet us and that he/she just needed a bit more time. What has helped is this board- the ladies are brill and very supportive. Take good care of yourself x |
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Posted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 10:26 pm |
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| Sar, you are having normal feelings. It does pass and ease with time though of course you will never believe me at the moment!. Your parents are the right people to be with right now. They love you and will support you through all of this. My Mum was fabulous and I will never ever forget the dedication she showed me and my family.....and as you will see now we have our fabulous twinnies, though the journey to get them was terrible and I could" throttle" them when they misbehave they are the best thing ever and I am so grateful that I have them...so there is hope! Take as much time as you need...it does get better....promise! |
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Rosemummy
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 5:07 pm |
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HI
Thanks Rosemummy your twins are beautiful were they from a second try? Did you loose your first early on? I havent been back to the clinic yet for a review meeting what do they do at that? I am mulling over what to do next I have just enough money to try again but dont know if I could handle it all going wrong again. I am a bit of a whimp. Bit the same with love really I shut people out because I dont want to get hurt but you have to let people in to live again. Its like a mental torture.
Smellycat I am a great beliver in fate and that things happen for a reason I did lose that way of thinking for a while but deep down I know its true. I love your thinking of the little one just not ready to meet you yet and I will think of that too it is a very nice way to think about it.
Thank you so much ladies for talking to me xx |
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 5:15 pm |
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| Hope you're feeling ok today sar. I too started to lose my positive beliefs about things happening for a reason because I hurt so much, but as things happen and time heals it really does make sense. I do honestly believe in the fact our baby just wasn't ready and that has helped me be positive that it would happen for us.. Today was my test date for cycle number two and it was a BFP for us this morning- we are obviously very happy but what it firms up for me is even though it seemed like it was never going to happen and so many things went wrong last year for us, we got through it and came through stronger and now we gave another chance and I believe that it the same for everyone x it will happen for you x |
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 5:31 pm |
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Oh Smellycat I am soooooooooooooooooooooo happy for you well done. You must be over the moon. Did you have eggs spare from the last go or did you have to start again? If I try again I have to start from scratch and at the mo as things are still so raw I dont feel strong enough to consider going through all that stress again. However I want a little baby so much its such a pull. I can understand how people try and try again its just so expensive. A lady I work with tried 11 times with no hope she never even got at BFP I dont know how she got through it. I wish you all the luck in the world with this cycle. Did you have one egg or two put back?
I have been out today and didnt feel as bad as yesterday I was panicing yesterday and just wanted to get home too many prams to cope with. I will let fate take my hand and lead me where I need to go and keep that thought in mind about how at least I got to 8 weeks when some people never even get that far.
You take care of yourself put your feet up now and let your other half ruin you. xx |
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 5:44 pm |
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| Hi sar- no we didn't have any spare embryos/eggs from last time so had to start from scratch but we did wait nearly 4 months to start again just because it was emotionally raw and I needed my body to have a chance to physically recover. The issue of prams, babies and pregnant women was awful and you're right it seems wherever you turn there us a constant reminder ( I have a friend at work who us due the day after I was and so I've watched ger bump grow and people coo but it got easier) but it does soon fade away. We had two embryos put back each time - we saw it as increasing our chances! Try and hold onto the fact you got to 8 weeks - you're body can do it but baby just wasn't ready and once you're ready ( and you will know) just go with what's right x. Glad you had an easier day today and hopefully managed to enjoy some sunshine x |
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 5:55 pm |
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I too have to go back to work to 2 ladies who are pregnant. One I have to work with quite closely and I just know I will hate having to smile and ask how she is but its got to be done. I think I would definately wait till later in the year as you say emotionally and physically you have to get back to normal. I think i would have a check up too to make sure all seems ok down there before I went any further as they do say after having the proceedure it can cause problems.
Two embryos oh gosh it could be twins for you maybe if it is thats what life wanted you to have. I do so hope that your baby/ies stay and snuggle in nice a tight.
You know what amazes me these young bits of things go out have a one night stand and then the next minute they are giving birth and they couldnt give a hoot for the baby and yet there are ladies out there that would make amazing mummies and yet possibly never get the chance. Life has a very cruel streak sometimes. |
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 5:59 pm |
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| I know and when our journey ended last time that's all I could think and kept having to force myself not to make judgements when I saw and heard people shouting at their kids and doing things that I would never do, but do you know something - it made us more determined to pursue our dreams and be the parents we wanted and know we can be! |
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Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 7:29 pm |
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Hi
Well I managed to buck up the courage to book in my review meeting today. I have booked it for the end of May. I thought that might be enough time away to get my head straight and to think about what i want to do. I have been out again today and seemed to feel a little better. I didnt feel like I was choking like I did on Saturday which is progress. Tiny steps each day thats what I am doing.
Hope your feeling ok Smellycat. Your name makes me smile you know I just think of some big ginger cat who needs a bath and when washed and dried has all its fur sticking out like a big fur ball LOL LOL LOL I am sure your nothing like that but thanks for bringing a smle to my sad face.
Rosemummy hope your ok
xxx |
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Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 7:40 pm |
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Well now you come to mention it... I do like cravendale lol
So pleased you have your review booked and have given yourself time- in a bizarre kind of way I found the review was closure- we went to the crematorium in the morning where our angel was and left a few bits for him/her and then went for coffee and a couple of hours later our review- we used that day as a day to close one painful chapter and to open the door to a positive future.
Glad you have managed to get yourself out and 'enjoy' it a little more than Saturday. It's strange isn't it, that in our shoes all you see are babies, pushchairs and pregnant women!!
Which care are you at? You still at your parents?
Last night I was overcome with fear of a repeat of last time and got myself into such a mental trauma state if the what ifs. Today has been much better and both me and DP have saud what will be will be, and we feel very blessed right niw so rather than worry ourselves stupid we are just thank ful - still doesn't make me stop worrying though!
Have our scan booked for 5th may so that's the next frightening hurdle- this journey is not easy is it?!
Have you got anything planned for tomorrow? |
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Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 7:55 pm |
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LOL LOL have you got furry thumbs. LOL.
You know this IVF is so stressful I can totally appeciate how your having a heart attack at every turn because i was neurotic all the way through this go. Every pain twinge etc i was panicing and i felt so sick right from the start got to the point where all i could eat was dry bread and chicken. I think if i did try again I would be worse so it is very understandable what your feeling. It is such an important thing and no one who isnt going through it can understand how you feel and how much you want it to work.
I am with Manchester and they are fantastic. Cant praise them enough what about you?
Tomorrow i think i am going to go out again with my mum and I might pop to the bank to see how I stand re getting a loan!! I need a new car really I have some savings but not enough to have a car and go through another cycle so need to see what my options are on that front too because that will obviously effect my next move. Being single I dont have a lot of spare cash to save at the end of the month so if i had to save for another cycle I just would be too old as i am 40 now. Time is a big thing for me too. I can hear this big ticking and it is very unnerving.
Take it easy get your other half to run around after you LOL xx |
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Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 8:09 pm |
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Furry thumbs - I have furry hands!!! Lol
I'm not feeling anything at the mo in terms of symptoms so wish I was throwing up lol ask me that again when I'm forcing down cardboard rivitas!!
What about a 0% credit card which you could pay off bit by bit? It's mad isn't it what we put ourselves through. Don't think because you're 40 that time is tucking- we met a really nice couple through this board and she is 40 and due to give birth to their son in a few weeks so it can be done!!
We are at Sheffield and they are brilliant - they have been very sensitive throughout this cycle because of our last one! |
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Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 8:36 pm |
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LOL I have furry toes LOL LOL LOL
I cant get another credit card already got 3 LOL so thought of a loan to pay them off quicker with less interest. I should have been an accountant i move money around that much. Are you from around that area I am from Stafford but was brought up in Oldham. I can honestly say I have found that people both in the private sector and NHS have been so good with me and so considerate. I am pleased to hear you are getting such wonderful treatment. Have you been trying for a long time? How long you been with your partner are you married? How old are you?
XX |
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Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 8:58 pm |
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Now furry toes is not a good look particularly in this hot weather with sandals lol
An accountant sounds like a perfect job for you- maybe try a bit of embezzling he he!!
Our experience of nhs and private has been very positive also - very understanding and sympathetic.
We live in Barnsley, I'm originally from down south - although used to teach at a school in Rochdale so that's not far from you.
Is this your first cycle? What made you try for ivf if you dont mind me asking? We started thinking about it 3 yrs ago but an abnormal smear 2 yrs ago stopped us and then actually managed our 1st cycle last august which ended as it did and now this one. I am 33 and my DP is 32, we have been together 7 yrs this summer and have been married for nearly 4 yrs- although I bet if you ask her she will say it feels a lot longer lol |
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Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 9:24 pm |
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I started looking into IUI afew years ago but my doctor told me i was too over weight and she wouldnt send me to the recomended clinic near me until I got my BMI down. So with much gusto i lost 2 stone with Weight Watchers but she told me she wanted me to lose another 4 stone and I was so gutted because it took me so long to lose that 2 stone. I went on the internet and found Care and applied and just kept my fingers crossed that they would accept me and I was so over the moon when I got my appointment for december last year. It was like all my xmases had come at once. I went along and found out after a hycosy test that i couldnt have IUI as both sets of tubes were blocked so had to go straight for IVF with donor sperm. As you can imagine I was over the moon when I got BFP first time but unfortunately none of my other 7 eggs were good enough t0 freeze. I had always said that if it didnt work first time that would be that but now i know I can get pregnant it kind of changes things. me being Rhesus neg too also may be a factor as many mummies lose their first when rhesus neg. So as you can see i am now gripping at straws. Talking myself into it again. I have had on and off relationships but no one wanted to stay around so i thought sod it who needs a man i will go it alone I cant wait for Mr Right any longer. As it happend Mr Right wouldnt have been any use anyway and IVF is the only way forward. Strange isnt it because i could have been trying for years and getting no where.
I used to live down south too. I lived in Chingford and worked in central London and then in Dartford.
I dont know about you but I find this forum board thingy a god send. I dont feel so lonely and I can talk to people who understand and who know exactly how you feel. My friends have been amazing but they just cant understand as they can pop out kids like they are shelling peas i am the only one who has no children yet i am god mother to many. One of my god children is actually due to become a dad in June and i am getting stressed about it as i will have to hold the baby and they dont know what I have been through. I feel a very painful moment coming up which I am going to have to act my way through and then cry in private when they have left.
I work in a school too. High school and am on hols at the mo which just happened to be at the right time.
Thanks for talking xx |
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Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 5:37 pm |
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That's fantastic that you lost 2 stone- well done you! Think if last cycle is anything to go by for me, I will end up putting that amount of weight on! Haven't stood on the scales since we were down regging because I dread to think - I seem to bloat like a honey monster!!
You've been on a journey to get to your ivf then haven't you with your hycosy test- I see lots if ladies have to have this- why is it suggested in the first place? Interested because it hasnt ever been mentioned to us. You're very right about not needing a man to achieve your dreams, but also very brave - not sure I have the guts, but I guess if mr right hasn't cone along ( which I'm sure he will) then you shouldn't put your dreams on hold.
I used to live in high Wycombe - dad was in the air force- cane up here for uni. What brought you up north?
I think with regards to your God son becoming a dad soon- you'll be amazed at how strong you will be. The first 'meeting' is hard but after that it's easier- I remember going to see my niece and nephew soon after our loss and it tire me in half but somehow I managed it and got through it and now it's fine.
Well today i have been in school doing gcse revision but that's it now- I'm now officially on holiday!! I'm liking the next half term with all the bank holidays in - might as well not be there!!! And to top it off it's only a 5 week half term
Did you pop into the bank today? How did it go?
Think tomorrow we are doing all our hanging baskets- but if the wind today is anything to go by, we might be fighting with the plants and baskets lok |
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Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 6:39 pm |
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Hi
Well I went on line last night and applied to see about a loan with sainsburys I rang them today and they say I have to wait till Friday and ring again and then they will let me know but I have a funny feeling they will say no as I dont think my credit rating is very good. God knows why I pay my bills on time I dont know how these things work. I dont get how some people have about 10 credit cards how the hell do they get them all. If that dont work then I will go to the bank and see what they have to say and if they say no then I will have to just live on beans and toast and save every penny I can to get my credit cards down as fast as possible and then do a bit of juggling from one to the other. Its amazing what you can do if your determined. The car will have to go on hold as well I am sure it will get me through another year.
A hycosy was suggested because I think my age was against me and I didnt want to waste time going through something that might not work. I told the consultant to be honest with me and I would go with his suggestions and that is what he suggested. I trust that they want the best for people too and he did say that it would be a waste of money to do IUI if I wasnt sure that I worked ok. If my tubes had been clear I would have tried IUI definately as it is so much cheaper. I think the NHS should re look at their funding for older ladies as younger people can get a free go cant they. I wish now I had realised that a few years earlier.
I moved back up north because I was sick of living away from the family really. I had lived for a few years overseas and then moved back to London with my job as I got promotion but I used to have to fly all over the world training people so one week I might be in Tenerife the next I could be in the Carribean. It was an amazing job but by the time I got to 32 I realised I wanted to settle down and have a family. I moved back up to the Midlands and changed my career and started looking for Mr Right. Unfortunately I found Mr Wrongs and so I am here now doing this alone.
I have never been worried about doing things on my own I am a very strong person but sometimes I do wish someone would just take the pressure off my shoulders.
I asked my mum today if she would like to come to the crem with me when I have the ashes scattered but she said she would prefer not to as she wants to close it off now so looks like I will go alone. Dont seem right to ask a friend to go. See times like these a partner would be nice.
You must break up later than us then from school as we broke up Friday go back on the 26th and 27th then off till the following Tuesday. Great half term next though isnt it think we have just 3 weeks in work. Kids go off on study leave so a little more peace and quiet. What do you teach?
Gosh I seem to have typed an essay. Funny isnt it. When I was pregnant I was looking round at clothes and things like you do for baby and I couldnt really see anything I liked and I was getting bothered about it because it was as if I was switching off the joy. Now today I have been passed lots of things and thought oh look at that it would be lovely for a baby. Bloody sods law I wonder if deep down my brain knew I wasnt going to get to the end so it rejected my shopping sprees. It seems most odd that I like things now.
Well think I will go and get some tea now. Take care xx |
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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 1:22 pm |
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Hi Sar
Sorry been busy! I lost the first twin at 10 weeks - saw it at the 12 week scan, obv we were devastated but we had the other twin there so it seemed like it would be better in the end...but then, at the 20 week scan, it picked up a brain abnormality called ventriculomegaly. We had to go to Sheffield fetomaternal unit and have a scan done by a specialist and he confirmed that the ventriculomegaly was extremely severe, it is graded according to the amount of fluid in the brain ventricles. So we had an amnio then and there and it came back that Rose had Down's as well as the brain problem. AT that moment my life stopped and I feel pretty sure my heart did too as I nearly collapsed on the floor, I had to be supported because the second I heard that I knew that the pregnancy was over. It was so horrendous, we had her heart stopped on the Friday and I gave birth on the MOnday when my daiughter was at school so she wouldn't be traumatised as much - my Mum must have had the worst day ever on her own waiting for news but having to keep DD occupied once she was out of school. Rose was 22 weeks old when she was born. It is still so very distressing to write about and I still cry all the time (I am crying now) despite the good fortune I have had since and I still wonder what I ever did to deserve that pain and anguish. I often wonder if it is worse to have a miscarriage where you don't have a choice but no explanation or to have a termination of a baby that is so wanted where you have made that choice (if choice is the word, we didn't have a choice in my view) and a full explanation...either way, it is horrible. I still want my Rose back, every single day but I can't really say that because if I had her then I wouldn't have my twins....IYSWIM? I could not function properly for weeks, if not months. I was off work for 4 months and in the beginning I couldn't even read my DD a bedtime story or make her tea or even leave the house to take her to school...i have never ever been incapacitated like that - it was a literal emotional crippling and I couldn't make myself do it. I remember going out one day in the snow with her and laughing...and then feeling so guilty that I was laughing I started to cry. or the time I was ordering a burger in burger king and as I was waiting for them to put the stuff on the tray I just burst into tears, or the time I was at teh checkout at Asda and started to cry right there in the queue as I was putting the shopping into a carrier bag - it was so terrible. I gave up feeling embarrassed....I never ever want to feel that pain again, it is like a knife in my heart even now but at least in only comes every so often, but I still quite often find myself in tears - perhaps in the shower or while I am in the car.....but it has got better.
As for scattering ashes, we haven't scattered their ashes 18 months on. They are on the fireplace in the living room. I asked DH if we were going to and he didn' want to so there they will stay for now at least.
You will know when the time is right to try again. We decided to wait until the due date had passed and then get on with it as I am getting older now and time was ticking...we knew that the fet would be the lasy time we would try as we already have DD and we know we couldn't waste money on smoething we may never have so we have been lucky in that respect.....
What a ramble - I need to go esme is crying and Alex has been asleep for hours (?) and he will need feeding? Strange - he is usually more unsettled but there we are.
Hope you are feeling OK today...and a little stronger, every day it gets a little better. Expect worse days from time to time but it does get better. I couldn't even look at a pregnant woman without wanting to tear her arms off but now I don't feel like that at all, and even before I had the twins I still didn't feel like that...it was the grief talking and as you deal with that all these nasty things that are unlike you will also go....
xxx |
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Rosemummy
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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 3:26 pm |
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Hi sar, hope youre feeling ok today - sorry didn't get back on
Last night, was so tired and keep falling asleep today lol just hope it's a good sign!
It's a bit cold up here today, so dp has taken me to pick up my prescription of pessaries and metformin and then took me out for lunch, and now bless her she is in the garden doing the hanging baskets while I have been left on the sofa feeling fat from lunch and with a cup of tea!!!
What have you been up to today? |
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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 5:28 pm |
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Hi
Oh Rosemummy what a terrible experience for you my heart goes out to you. I was reading it off my mobile whilst I was waiting for my dad who had a hospital appointment and I had tears running down my face people must have thought I was mad. I cant reply off my phone but I can pick up the forum. You have put things totally in place for me my god I am sat here feeling sorry for myself but then you tell me that story and I should give myself a slap. You have been so brave to come through all that. How on earth did you cope with trying again you must have been petrified. I am so happy for you that you got an amazing end result you really deserve it.
Smellycat - you have got the right idea sat having a cup of tea LOL. Can I ask did you get your pessaries etc on the nhs from doc I could do with finding out the cheapest place to get things to try to keep the cost down for next go.
Please dont think I have disappeared if I dont answer for a while just not going to be able to unless I can hop onto someones computer as I dont have one at home. As I use one all day at work i dont tend to pick one up at home so couldnt see the point in paying out a fortune for something I wouldnt use.
I have had a nice time at my parents but it will be nice to go home later although i am very apprehensive as to being on my own as I have had mum and dad with me since it happened. Probably will spend tomorrow crying again. Think the house will get a spring clean at least it will stop me thinking about things.
Sar xx |
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