CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

nikival · 11 Nov 2007

Hi ladies

Not good news for me today, I'm afraid. Went for scan this morning and there was no heartbeat. We started with an abdominal scan and the baby was about the right size - I know when we both saw it we got our hopes up that all might be well. But then the sonographer said that she was struggling to find a heartbeat and wanted to do an internal scan. I knew then that it was bad news, as the heartbeat had been so clear and easy to find when we were scanned at 7 weeks. Sure enough, she searched and searched but no sign. I haven't messed around choosing my options and will go for medical management next week. We're both devastated and I'm not sure I can put us through this again - DH is truly gutted. I really don't know what to do next. Because I've had two previous early losses, they are going to test the baby for various issues and, apparently, I can get referred to a specialist in recurrent pregnancy loss. This sounds like a good idea but, if I am going to continue with treatment, then I wouldn't want to delay for long and I know NHS appointments can take months to come through.

Sorry to put a downer on what's been such a positive thread. I hope that it remains positive for the rest of you ladies and you have healthy, happy pregnancies. I probably won't be around much now but I will be thinking about you all.

Niki xxx

Helena202 · 23 Jan 2012

Oh Niki that is just the saddest news. You have been such a wonderful support to all of us, it's just so unfair!!!!! All I can say is I am praying for you and your DH at this very sad time. I hope you don't give up on the chance to have a child somehow one day.

Lots of love
H x

nikival · 11 Nov 2007

Thanks Helena. All of you ladies have been massive support for me too and I am sad to be leaving you so early Sad

I will keep up with your stories, though, and keep in touch.

DH and I have been talking to each other and close friends and family and think we probably will try again. The fact that we got so much further via the donor sperm route is encouraging and makes us think it must have been the right decision. Everything feels a bit unreal at the moment and I think it's all going to hit me later. Or maybe I've just been preparing for it all the way along, especially after the bleeding on Sunday, I don't know. The worst thing today was to see my DH's heart break, right in front of me. It was devastating. I couldn't help thinking that I should have prepared him better for it but I was trying to be as positive as I could.

Niki xxx

Poppy83 · 22 Feb 2012

Hi guys

Niki i am so completely gutted for you both. Helena's right, you've been so helpful and positive for all of us all the way through. I really wish you loads ofb luck with whatever you decide to do next. You've really been the best advice giver so make sure you listen to your own once in a while and take care of yourself and husband!
I hope they manage to find some answers for you and give you the very best shot for next time!
Xxx

GolfGirl · 21 Mar 2011

Niki I am so sorry to hear your news. I'm afraid my news was not good either. 2 sacs still growing but nothing inside. They are not at the size yet that means we can have medical management though. Apparently there is a cut off point and we need to have another scan next week. I just want it to be over. Can't really take it all in.

My husband is devastated. It is the hardest thing. I feel like I have let him down twice now.

Thank you all for your support on here - wishing you the best of luck with your pregnancies ladies.

GG x

Helena202 · 23 Jan 2012

So sorry to hear that GG, it's so sad, this is a sad day. Please don't think for one second that you have let your DH down. This is nobody's fault - it is the nature of IVF - so much is beyond our control.

Lots of love and hugs

H x

nikival · 11 Nov 2007

Hi Golf Girl, Helena, Poppy - thanks for your messages. Sometimes I think this board is the only thing that keeps me sane! It's really lovely to know that you're thinking about us and supporting us.

Golf Girl - am gutted for you. I know exactly what you mean about your DH. Mine completely broke down in the scan room and it was horrible. But Helena's right - you haven't let anyone down. It's just the way these things go sometimes.

Typically, I've launched straight into action today and tried to get everything sorted out - it's the way I cope, I guess. Feeling very low and down but coping.

Thanks for all the support

Niki xxx

Hobbit · 14 May 2007

Only just got back in and read the terrible news.

Niki - So sorry that it was devastating news! I am gutted for you. You have been such a positive inspiration and support to all of us here!! I know you have previous experience and everyone deals with it in different ways, just look after yourselves. from personal experience my DH spent so long trying to be strong for me, he didn't deal with his own feelings properly and it had some long lasting effects. I hope you're both just concentrating on yourselves for now (((hugs))) I remember looking at my DH too and it's heartbreaking Sad

GG - Really sorry to hear your sad news too, and the fact that you now have to wait again too. It's so frustrating! You definitely haven't let anyone down, and this process is not for the faint hearted so you've already proven you're one strong lady just by being here. I hope you at least get some definitive answers next scan which will allow you some direction.

Thinking of you both xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hobbit · 14 May 2007

Niki our posts crossed, I'm like you and having something to concentrate on or focus on makes things a little easier!! You're allowed to feel down and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!

steph xxxx

nikival · 11 Nov 2007

Thanks Steph xxx

Wannabamummy · 31 Aug 2011

Hi ladies only just got in from work and saw this terrible news. Niki I know we all cope in different ways & you & DH just need to be there for each other whatever you decide to do. I am sending huge hugs your way and thinking of you both. We started this thread together and your advice has helped me through I just wish I could say something that would do the same for you.

GG I am so sorry for the news and having to wait another week must be awful. You haven't let anyone down life just plays some cruel tricks on us try to stay strong and be there for each other. Huge hugs sent your way.

xxx

Maple · 15 Nov 2008

(((Niki))) - I am so sorry to read your dreadful news ... I had stopped stalking you as I felt sure that you would be 'safe'. I feel really tearful and angry that after all your struggles (and doing everything possible) on this crappy journey that once again your and your DH's have been devastated by the loss. To have so much hope and happiness to be taken away from you. I wish that I could say something to take the pain and heartache away, but I know I can't.

Please take good care of yourselves, and give yourselves plenty time to heal.

Love and Hugs,
Maple
xxx

JEP · 26 Jun 2011

Oh niki you must be devastated chick. I am so sorry to hear your sad news. I wonder what on earth happened? The brown can't have been the cause can it? I guess you and the consultants may never know which also makes it even more heartbreaking for you. And your poor DH how awful. Like the others have said I have been really grateful for your daily support on here. You have always been so selfless and thought of others before yourself. I truly hope that you and your DH will take time to grieve for your lost little one and then will have a think about possible future options, if you decide to go down that route. Thinking of you and sending massive hugs xxx

GG - also totally gutted for you. I found myself in a similar position as you last time - and being called in weekly to re measure to check if they have met the guidelines to have medical management is hideous. At our EPAU I ended up getting the consultant down and when I went through the et date and the fact that it couldn't be 1month behind its time I was allowed to go for medical management anyway.

I really wish this ivf journey was not so cruel. It really is unfair.

Thinking of you both, and everyone else who I'm sure is now like me and feeling numb and anxious about the future.

Take care
JEP
X

victoriaj81 · 24 Feb 2012

So sorry to hear the bad news today, i'm literally in tears as I type here. It is so awful to have happiness snatched away from you like this

Nikki - like others have said, you have been invaluble support to others on here, really attentive and selfless; it just proves that bad things happen to good people. You and I were exactly the same number of days and weeks along, so I was really watching your progress closely, and just so sorry things haven't worked out for you and hubby. You seem like a very strong woman, so once you've had chance to cry and scream, just draw on your strength and the love of your family and friends. It's positive that you may now be able to have extra tests for recurrent loss though, so one day soon you may find a reason for this apparently pointless loss

GG - so sorry for your situation too. I've also experienced a previous miscarriage which took weeks to conclude so I know how the waiting feels; and the cruel feeling of still having to go for appointments which could and should have been happy ones, but are now sad. It's a very difficult time for you and hubby. Like others have said, you haven't let him down. It just doesn't work like that. Making babies is just one of those things have involves a higher power, whether you believe that to be God, Mother Nature or simply luck. Either way, it's outside your control (unfortunately!) so don't beat yourself up.

Sending love to you both

Lemon22 · 27 Jan 2012

GG - I'm really sorry to hear your sad news today I had my fingers cross that everything would be ok, it's so unfair. I know there is not much I can say to make things better through this difficult time but please don't think you have let anyone down just try and stay strong for each other.

take care xxxx

GolfGirl · 21 Mar 2011

Thank you everyone for your kind messages. Niki I too have gone into organising mode. It is my birthday next week and we are going away Easter weekend and then on holiday from 14th so I am now trying to ensure that whatever we've got to endure now does not affect any of the nice stuff we have got planned.

Niki I am glad to hear you are thinking of trying again. The consultant told me yesterday that to have 2 empty sacs is just really bad luck. I can't believe it and I am sure there is more to it than that. She then told us at we must not discount our frostie that was from the same egg collection. But that is something to think about in the future.

Going to stay away from these boards now. Thank you all again for your support in happy and sad times. You are a lovely group of ladies and I wish you all the best on your journeys.

GG x

nikival · 11 Nov 2007

Dear Vic, Wanna, Maple and Jep - and all you other lovely ladies who've been there for me on this journey...

Thanks so much for your messages. It means so much to me. I just sat and read them all this morning and felt blessed and supported to have you here to talk to.

We are doing okay and things don't feel as raw as they did yesterday. I'm actually able to look at the situation with a lot more logic today and am left slightly encouraged, at least. With my DH's damaged sperm we never got a clinical pregnancy but with the donor we got a proper, viable pregnancy right up until just before 8 weeks. Who knows what happened then but we are lucky - we will get the chance to test the fetus because of the other early losses, even though they might not be as relevant as all that because we're fairly sure about what caused those. So... I think I was also quite well prepared for this happening, knowing the stats for my age and so on and, to be honest, this risk always being at the back of my mind. I'm buoyed slightly by just how many friends I know who've had a miscarriage and then gone on, soon after, to have a healthy pregnancy. At least it's clear that my body knows what to do to get pregnant, and that wasn't, not really, before this attempt. Also, we hadn't had the DNA tested in DH's sperm and were just going on a 'hunch' really, based on what the embryologist thought was going on. What's happened back up that hunch so that's good news for us too.

On top of that, I know from my DH's reaction that he completed accepted the child. He was Bob's daddy, bless his heart. I never really had any doubts about that but these situations make you see things really clearly. I love my DH so much, and my stepkids, who make this easier by giving me such a lovely family life. I sometimes wonder if I should just count my blessings and be happy with my lot, which is much more than a lot of people ever have.

Anyway, I will be watching for your stories and staying in touch with this board. Thanks so much for your support and lovely messages.

Niki xxx

Helena202 · 23 Jan 2012

Niki I obviously don't know the full extent of your situation but the thing that made the difference for us was IVF with donor sperm. That way they knew that 2 strongest embryos went on board (one was a blasto) and one of them took.

I shared your stories with my DH last night (Niki & GG) and bawled my eyes out. It's just so cruel.

I have had a "blighted ovum" which is what I think you've had GG (empty gestational sac) and I remember the nurse saying (and I don't know if this will help you) that at least you haven't "lost a baby" and also now you know "this process can work" (and if you decide to go again like we did they might decide to stay next time Smile

Of course I had already visualised the baby in my arms so it probably didn't help a huge amount in hindsight!

I know all of this is just words and the pain can't be erased but know that you have an amazing support in spirit from all of us here!

Much love
Hx

nikival · 11 Nov 2007

Thanks Helena. We've been doing IUI with donor sperm so are in a similar situation. We did get a blasto twice from hubby's sperm and they implanted but miscarried very quickly. The embryologist told us that there was evidence, under the microscope, of serious damage to DH's poor little swimmers, which was why we went for this route. Someone else has mentioned that it is probably DNA fragmentation, although we've never had them tested for that. Circumstantial factors aren't on our side. DH was a smoker for years, is quite overweight and all these things can lead to DNA problems, but the embryologist felt that it was damage from sperm antibodies that was probably the biggest culprit. It feels like the medical establishment is only just beginning to understand MF issues to be honest. All of the new things they've learnt with ICSI/IMSI showed them sperm played more of a role than they thought, from what I've read.

I know what you mean about picturing the baby in your arms. I know me and DH had this time. We were cautious after our early losses for the first few weeks, but when we saw the heartbeat, we really began to believe. But sometimes it's just not meant to be.

Sorry GG, our posts crossed again. Glad you are sorting out some good times for yourself and everything is keeping you busy. I'm so sorry at your having to wait without intervention. That must be so hard. I don't know if any of those things the nurse was saying would make me feel better under the circumstances. Even the idea my baby might have been very ill doesn't help me much to be honest. Pregnancy loss is horrible no matter when or how, I think. Anyway, I hope that you have plenty of time to heal and lick your wounds and enjoy the nice things you have planned.

Much love to everyone

Niki xxx

nikival · 11 Nov 2007

Well, I've ordered some high strength Co enzyme Q10 and some more melatonin. And I've already emailed the clinic to check in and outs of having the same donor again, and when we'd be able to try again. So it looks like that's what we'll be doing.

I probably won't be around on the BB board much now for a bit while I get my head straight and deal with all the medical stuff next week. So just to say I wish you all lots and lots of good luck for your ongoing pregnancies and thanks for all your support along the way. I hope you all have a very healthy 8 or so months to come. Will be thinking of you.

Niki xxxxx

Helena202 · 23 Jan 2012

Best of luck Niki and thanks for being so kind xx

Wannabamummy · 31 Aug 2011

Hi ladies

I think we are all probably still in shock for Niki & GG I wish them all the best for whatever they decide to do in the future.

How is everyone else feeling. I am very tired but nausea has not been around for a couple of days now. Hope everyone is ok? Has anyone got any future dates or had any mwife appointments.

Hope everyone is ok take care all xxx

JEP · 26 Jun 2011

Hiya wanna

Yes I think we must all be in shock at such sad news. Niki and gg thinking of you and take time to look after yourselves at this devastating time.

It certainly makes you remember not to count any chickens. I was struggling to get excited anyway due to anxiety & I do think it brings it all back home at how delicate this baby making process can be. Having done a bit of reading in a little baby book my colleague lent me its absolutely amazing how it all works isn't it?

My symptoms still on and off, had a worse day today with nausea hunger and fatigue. Been yawning all afternoon. TFI Friday I say!! I've still not heard from hosp about when scan is, I really hope they don't make me wait til the 14 week limit for the nuchel translucency part. They do the dating scan combined with this in Leicestershire. Then seeing me at 15 weeks which is the 17/5. What About you? Any appts? I'm just taking 1 day at a time. When my tummy starts to grow a bit I think I'll feel more reassured - wonder if I will be able to wait for next nhs scan or if will get another quick one privately? I think you could go mad with it - I know that's not the answer really!

How is everyone else doing?
Have a reasonable weekend girlies, shame the weather won't be so good, but at least there's no work!
Love JEP
X

Poppy83 · 22 Feb 2012

Hi guys,

It's such an awful shame, i was starting to think we were all home free but this has given me a bit of a wake up call.

I'm in leics too JEP, i havent had a call from the midwife yet at all so im not holding out much hope that i'll be having a scan at 12 weeks! Apparently they call you between 9 and 10 weeks (which is now) so i hope she bloody well calls in the week!! I just hope it's not the same one i had for my son, she was some crazy old woman who kept writing on my paper work about 'opening my bowls' lol. I did wonder what tableware had to do with anything until i worked out she must be dyslexic.

My belly has swelled to gigantuan proportions and i'm struggling to hide it and to fit into any jeans. I've read it's a combination of my uterus stretching quicker this time and bloating due to body not concentrating fully on digestion. By the evening i look about 4 or 5 months gone.. Aside from that i am soooo tired and people keep asking me if i'm alright and saying i look a bit peaky. Nice!

Know what you mean about feeling like paying for a private scan jep, i have the same niggle but dont think other half would go for that. He's a lot calmer since first scan, whish i was!!!

Hope everyone enjoys the (cloudy) weekend
Xxxx

Wannabamummy · 31 Aug 2011

Hi Jep & poppy.

Glad you are both ok but know what you mean about the waiting and wanting the next scan. I have my 12 week scan booked for 25th April which seems ages away counting down the days. I will be 13 weeks and 3 days by then. I also have a consultants appointment booked for 3rd May as it's twins you see a consultant quite often apparently.

Typical the sun has disappeared now I am not at work and could have enjoyed it. I know what you saying about the tiredness and bloating I too feel about 5 months at the moment I think it is a combination of constant hunger and the pessaries bloating me out plus the midwife did say I would start to show sooner with it being twins but not sure she meant this soon.

Hope everyone has a good weekend and we continue to keep each other as sane as possible take care all xxx