CARE Fertility Bulletin Board

Melvyn · 05 Sep 2008

Don't know if anyone will remember me.
Have lurked on and off for a couple of years.

...and now I need you again....

Have 3 beautiful children. DD 11, DS 7 and DS 6.
Split with boys dad last year and moved into own house. It has taken till now to settle as lots of changes to be made by all of us.

I have now got a job which I love(and really appreciate after 6 years at home with the kids) Meet new people every day. I have a social life, new friends and money to call my own which I never had previously, and what was given to me as housekeeping I felt was begrudged.
In fact he admitted that he gave it grudgingly and that he didn't feel my job looking after the boys was relevant.

The boys see their dad almost every weekend.

I have been getting worried about the holidays as obviously neither of us can take 6 weeks off work. I sent him the following email about 5 weeks ago. He has just replied tonight!!! His reponses are in red.

******, I am getting really concerned about arrangements for holiday periods. I think it's important that the boys spend time with you and not just odd days now and again. The agreement between us is that the children shall live with me and you shall have contact each weekend as agreed and share holiday time. Holiday time for the boys is about 12 or 13 weeks a year. I realise that you can't take 6 weeks+ off work too easily and I don't expect you to. The statutory minimum holidays these days are 28 days a year which amounts to 5.6 weeks. I also have a job and I am not able to take 6 weeks+ off. I am relying upon friends and family to help out but clearly there is a limit to what can be done. Mum and Dad already cover a lot on a weekly basis, and not just for holidays. They certainly can't cover blocks of days throughout the summer holidays.
Its difficult to plan in summer since my contract here is coming to a close at end of June (they keep renewing every 3 months or so but expect this to be the final piece of work and I have no idea if, where or for who I will be working by then. Obviously I want some quality time with the boys but I canâ€™t commit to dates until I can negotiate terms with a new employer. Bear in mind that I may be out of work for a period, in which case I would be happy to have the boys full time but will have a significant reduction in income.

If necessary I will have to employ a childminder, which I am willing to pay for, for my share of the holidays. Can I suggest that you also consider this option.
Assuming Iâ€™m in work, a child minder could be a good option for part of the holidays; however I was under the impression that maintenance payments already cover this cost. I need to check exactly what is and isnâ€™t covered if we go down this road.

It is obviously up to you what arrangements you come to. If it helps you I am quite willing to drop the boys off at your Mum and Dad's on my way to work and pick them up on my way back. It would be a 6 -7 hour stay. Clearly I would not want to do this every day.
You made it clear that they werent exactly needed to help with the boys in the past . Whilst they may agree to look after them occasionally when they are in my care, this makes it difficult for me to ask if you can drop off and pick up the boys at their house. They have been away several times recently and I wonâ€™t now be seeing them until this weekend. I will obviously have to broach this subject face to face; I donâ€™t want to do it in a rush or over the phone.
The next holidays are half term but that is now covered. After that it is the first two weeks in April. Mum and Dad will probably be in France so I will need cover for one of those weeks. The choice is yours.
I might be able to help for part of Easter and Iâ€™ll let you know as soon as I can. In the meantime, I am requesting in return that you tell me about prior commitments that may interfere with my weekend plans as soon as possible, not just a few days before or as I pick them up. Neither do I object to ad hoc requests that you take them back for a while. If it is not convenient I can say no and I do understand that you might want some time with them occasionally at weekends. But try to give me fair warning of arrangements that have been known about for some time, parties, church, etc. It makes it very difficult for me to plan weekends effectively. I almost booked (pre-paid) swimming for Sunday the other weekend, which would have precluded them from going to church.

Matters are further complicated by my back problems. If I need an operation some of that time will also need covering.

Regards

Kath

PS. I do resent you saying that you will have reduce the boys allowance if you need to take time off work. I am not a childminder - I am their mother and I have to keep a house door open for them whether they are here or not.
As do I - Not sure how you can resent a simple statement of fact. I cannot make money materialise out of thin air if I am off work. The amounts taken are based upon expected income on a minimum 48 working weeks per year - I took 8 or 9 days at Xmas

I don't really know what to think. He seems to think that I am asking him to ask his parents to have the boys to help ME out. It's to help HIM out.
He says that I made it clear that I didn't need their help in the past...I didn't! I wasn't working.
He says childcare is covered under maintenance. Is he right. Want to pick your brains before I consult my solicitor, as am still paying her for previous work!

Help!
His is a very poor communicator. This is the second email I have sent to him in the last 8 weeks and this is his first response.
My parents are in their seventies, and whilst they are in good health, I appreciate they aren't able or willing to look after my kids(and my sisters 2) when they have a father, and another set of grandparents nearby.

Thanks

Kath .x.

Isobel · 25 Apr 2004

Sorry you're having a hard time. Being a working single Mum is a very tricky balancing act. To be honest, unless you've got full-time willing relatives with no other commitments available to help, I think you've just got to bite the bullet and pay for child care. You have a lot of years of education to cover, you'll probably be fighting over annual leave in school holidays with other working parents, and your ex is going to be unpredictable with his holiday due to his irregular work.

Is there a holiday club at school?

Welcome to the world of the working single parent!!

Isobel xx

completely new to ivf · 26 Jan 2012

Hey Melvyn, without over analysing, I really think that was a really civil backwards forwards emailing between two parents. I feel that the reasons for asking we're just and so were the answers. If you were together and he lost his job then he would be looking after the kids and you working, but as your not he has answered as simply as it is.

The His parents issue seems like it has history there, and He didn't really have to add that, however regardless of what issues you have/had, you have to bite your tongue to digs or anything personal. You need to keep a healthy communication with him at all times, despite any time frames, appointments holidays that may clash. Work them out.

I appreciate that your parents are older and you don't want to put too much on them which is really caring of you. But your situattion is ultimately that's something your going to be pro a active about. Maybe think about some after school classes that gives you more time ater school time?

Hope you keep it civil as you have, it is sensitive but just do best you can for the sake and happiness for yourself and your kids. Xxx

S xx

Melvyn · 05 Sep 2008

Thanks girls
There is obviously a lot mote to the story and a lot of history. Will reply with more detail tonight. Not easy to reply on a phone! I would just like to say tho that I am not looking to get anything out of this other than a fair share of holiday time.
Kath .x.

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Hi

I remember you and its good to hear you have a job you love and your own home now.

Childcare issues during school holidays are a complete nightmare whether you are single or married. A lot of working Mums find themselves working during the holidays just to cover holiday club/child minder costs which seems daft but unless you have an agreement with your company to work term time only not many places will allow you to take more than 2 weeks leave at a time.

Maybe your ex needs things spelling out to him regarding his parents and the fact that as you were home full time you didn't need people to look after the children but the situation has changed and it would be 'nice' for the children to spend some special time with their grandparents and vice versa????

I'd be a bit concerned over his comment about what maintenance covers and without knowing what your agreement is wouldn't want to comment on whether he is right or not about it being included. What I do wonder is if he is out of work and has the children for most of the holidays will he be demanding maintenance from you???

With his unpredictable work I think it will be very hard to ever get any real commitment from him over holiday childcare and this could cause you a lot of stress and keeps things less than civil. In this situation I think you arranging child are through other means is going to be far less stressful for you, at least you will know where the children have to be and won't get let down at the last minute.

You may need to get something drawn up between the 2 of you for the future as to how you will cover holidays? Do you have a contact agreement or is it something you have decided between yourselves that he sees the boys nearly every weekend? With the fact he is so awkward I would be inclined to get a proper agreement in place and include in that that holiday cover is split between you both and if he can't take the time off (or is unwilling) or arrange, in advance, for childcare through relatives that he has to pay the bill for holiday club on top of the normal maintenance.

Good luck with getting things sorted.
Mel x

MichelleN(uts) · 17 Mar 2004

Hi Mel, I do remember your posts too and am glad to see you've come so far - well done.

I know there is a lot of history here and it is difficult and incredibly stressful.

Having seen various friends and relatives separate over the years can I suggest as much as you possibly can dealing with things in a really calm and straightforward manner and not letting him rile you or wind you up is the best possible approach - in a way you have to 'put him in his place' and set your expectations of what he can and will provide and remind yourself of that.

The 'what's included in maintenance' comment is one he is going to throw at you again and again because as he is notoriously mean with money so it would be best to have an up front conversation (as you have started above) saying 'the kids have x weeks of holidays per year we need to cover them between us' - fair enough his work is not constant but at the same time you need to plan so what I'd be saying is - there are (say) 8 weeks of summer hols, you need to take care of them for these dates and I'm the other dates and we each need to sort out childcare for those weeks whether that's camp or a minder.

His point about advance warning is just an excuse to have a go - don't rise to it - I konw myself with school, parties, etc, you don't get much advance warning sometimes so he will have to hump it.

Hugs to you, you have come a long way in really not that short a time. For your own sanity try to keep calm about this and not let him wind you up. Can I suggest using an online diary (there's a google one you can share and I think there is an app for the phone too: https://www.google.com/calendar/render?pli=1) where you put in who has them when, what activites are planned, when grandparents/other family events are on etc and you each have to keep it up to date might help on that one.

Hugs honey, take a deep breath and try to keep it all as factual, simple, unemotional as you can, otherwise you will end up fighting with him constantly and quite honestly, life is too short to waste any more emotional time on him.

Hugs and lots of love

M

Rallygirl · 06 Mar 2006

Can only agree with Michelle, especially about the maintenance bit.

Likewise, I pay for all childcare when me and exDH are at work and at the moment, I cover all the school holidays with my mum (although she will be away fo 3 weeks of the summer holidays which is seriously panicking me already).

I feel very guilty at my mum having them so much but I don't know what else to do - I can't afford not to work and I can't afford child care in the holidays.

I think a quick phone call to your solicitor may be in order? I'm seeing mine again on Thursday and have lots of these kinds of questions to ask. Chat soon let you know what mine says xxxx

Mel · 16 Mar 2000

Michelle, its from Kath not Mel, you must have had my name stuck in your head from reading the post. Smile

lisa&katie · 03 Feb 2009

hi
i have been seperated for almost 5 years,and only a month ago,he has started having katie overnight
he lives with his dad,but still,he sees her when he can with his shifts,i have a just found a new man,been on my own since me and ex split,its fab and the sex wow amazing lol.sorry going of abit there
anyway,my ex pays a set amount a month so out of that when katie uses breakfast club or playscheme it has to come out of that
holidays i try to work round his shifts with the help from mum and sil,but can be difficult,its hard on your own and its not easy
hope things work out for you hun
lisaxxx